I Finally Know Where My Heart Is
by VioletBeauregarde
Summary: Following Basic Training, Finn visits Rachel in NYC. Is Finn in more danger in the Army or NYC? Dashes of Santana and Kurt thrown into the mix for my amusement. Begins at Season 3 Finale and moves forward.
1. I Finally Know Where My Heart Is

_**Season 3 "Goodbye" Episode spoiler**_

_I am not in a happy place regarding where I think Finn and Rachel are headed in the Season 3 Finale. This is my way of coping- a little stream of consciousness vignette with hope._

_Glee, Jane Eyre, etc. = not mine- Typos, grammatical errors, etc = all mine (and sorry)_

**I Finally Know Where My Heart Is**

His face... as he stopped running and watched my train retreat into the distance with me on it... I would never forget the expression on his face if I lived to be 100 and won a dozen Tonys. The love, the pain, the longing. It was like in the book,_ Jane Eyre. _Mr. Rochester described having a string attached to his heart with the corresponding end attached to Jane's heart. Rochester said he had a notion that if they were separated, that string would snap, and he would take to bleeding inwardly. I could feel the string attaching me to Finn tightly bound to my heart, and the pain was indescribable. I prayed I was strong enough, that**_ it_** was strong enough to stretch taut all the way to 110 E. 57th St. in NYC and not break.

Ironically, there was a production of _Jane Eyre_ on Broadway, but I couldn't even summon my usual enthusiasm to imagine seeing it, let alone reading for a part in it. I just kept seeing Finn, the valiant, strong man who was giving me everything by letting me leave him behind. He'd put a brave face on until the very end, when I almost couldn't see his expression at such a distance. I think I must have _felt_ rather than seen his pain. It seemed to be vibrating down that damn string. I knew my pain must be echoing back to him as well. This, being here on a train eventually bound for New York, was what I had wanted for as long as I could remember, so why did it have to hurt SO much?

The train was picking up speed, leaving everything,_ everyone_ to me, behind. Instead of watching the flat gray landscape pass by the window, I lost myself in the memories of last night in Finn's room as he held me, had been so supportive, so positive that it would all work out.

_"Well, I checked the Greyhound schedules online, and there are dozens of buses to the city every week," he looked down at me, wiped tears from my cheeks and gave me a crooked half smile. I kissed the corner of his mouth that turned down in only the way his did. I tried to meet his eyes and smile, but I felt my tight smile slip into a grimace as fresh tears escaped the corners of my eyes._

_"And you have the new phone your dads gave you for graduation, so we can even use Facetime if you are at a place with wifi," at this he lowered his chin and studied me under his dark brows, "Rach, you were meant to do this, you** have ****to** do this. You've had this dream of New York for most of your life. I could never forgive myself if I held you back or... Besides this isn't the end. We'll get through this, and I know we'll be stronger for this. I know we won't see each other as much but..."_

_"Finn," I sobbed, "Even though we haven't always been a couple, I haven't gone more that a couple of days without seeing you or talking to you for three years, to say nothing of touching you or kissing you... or ...or loving you," I looked down at our hands now entwined and took a shaky breath before continuing, "Remember the laryngitis when we thought I might never sing again? I told you I was nothing without my voice, and I needed applause to live? I decided a long time ago there was something I needed much much more...," I looked up into his eyes, "...you. Always, you. I know we are young, but you are my-my... I can't even find the words- there aren't words for what you are to me. The way you make me feel is like when I'm standing on stage singing a solo and killing it, but it's so much better than that because I know you feel the same."_

_His expression had softened at this. He leaned down to press his open lips to mine in a soft kiss. Our lips seemed to cling to each others as if they did not want to separate. I suddenly felt desperate to be as close as possible, to fuse our bodies together and ward off the dread of impending separation._

_Finally, he drew back his head and looked at me, his breath coming in little pants, "Rachel, I...promise...no," he shook his head in frustration. One of the endearing things about Finn was his struggle to find his words when he was emotional. He looked directly into my eyes, "I will** always** love you no matter where you are, who you are with or what you are doing. No need for me to promise, because that's just how it is and always will be." I could see tears in his eyes now, "...because I am right here." He reached out to place his hand on the left side of my chest over my heart. He grinned his boyish grin, "See, I finally know where my heart is. It is right here," gently pressing his palm into my chest for emphasis._

Now, on the train, I pressed my small hand where his large hand had been hours before. A sparkle like starlight caught my eye. The sun outside the train window had escaped the clouds and was glinting off the diamond in my ring, the ring Finn had given me with the promise that if I let him love me, it would be okay. Suddenly, I knew it would be, because he let me love him, too. I was Rachel Berry, and I was the luckiest girl in the world because Finn Hudson let me love him. He believed in me... in us, enough to let me go on my own for a while. I could do this. Leaving him had been the hard part, the rest was easy, because I knew where my heart was. At this moment it was in Lima, Ohio in a wonderful giant of a man that would someday bring it back to me no matter what...

_Now, back to my happy place where Finn and Rachel eventually marry, are wildly happy, and have all their dreams fulfilled (including Tonys and babies at 26)._

_Thanks for reading!_


	2. I Still Know You

******Takes place 3 months after Season 3's "Goodbye" Episode******

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_After watching the "Goodbye" Episode, I just had to continue with my earlier vignette "I Finally Know Where My Heart Is"_

_Notes: La Guardia Airport is one of the airports that serve New York City. ACU stands for Army Combat Uniform and is a type of uniform soldiers wear in the military that looks like army fatigues._

_As always, I own nothing but my own mistakes for which I beg pardon..._

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**I Still Know You**

**_Was that him?_** He looked so much older- maybe it was the tan on his typically fair skin. Yes, and his hair was a lot shorter in the standard military hair cut, but really, he was like a different person. It was disconcerting. The ACU-clad man, striding towards me through the throngs of people in the baggage claim area at La Guardia Airport, was some strange version of the boy I had loved for more than three years. He did have on his trade-mark, radiantly crooked smile, which I forced every acting skill I had to reciprocate. It was either that or burst into tears.

"Finn!" I squealed, as I stepped around an adorable Armenian family to meet him near baggage claim carousel number 4, where his fellow passengers from Atlanta, Georgia were awaiting their bags. There was a slight pause before I wrapped my arms around him with all the pent up fierceness I was feeling.

_This-_ this was Finn. He really was almost the same when he held me. He smelled a little different. Less like the Tide laundry detergent his mom had always used, yet still the spicy, soothing cinnamon scent that was exclusively Finn. He felt leaner somehow, which was to be expected after six weeks of basic training behind him.

The same hazel eyes glinted down at me as I tilted my face up to his, awaiting a kiss of greeting. I was startled when his long arms tightened around me, and his mouth found mine with a passion that would have embarrassed me if we had still been in our hometown of Lima, Ohio. Distilled in that kiss was three months of longing and desire and other things that I really did not want to catalog at that particular moment. Oh, this was ….heavenly... this was …so...Finn.

He drew back slightly, though his arms still held me firmly, "Hey," he murmured huskily, sending a shiver down my spine, "I'm so glad you could meet me, Rach," again with the slanted grin that was so him.

"Well, of course, how could I resist meeting my...er... the dashing war hero," I joked a little too stridently, "Well, at least I don't have to bug you about styling products for your hair anymore," I teased as I reached up and ruffled the short fuzz on his head. It felt strange, but soft- like thick velvet in my fingers.

He chuckled, "It does make my morning routine a lot easier, which is the point, I guess. Thank you, Uncle Sam."

My smile faltered a little, and he seemed to strive not to notice. "Well... so do you have any bags we need to wait on," I gestured towards the steel baggage carousel.

"No, I've got it all here in my kit," he hefted an olive duffel bag that I hadn't noticed before in his left hand.

"Great! Let's go grab a cab back into Manhattan then," I chirped, taking his other hand and leading him toward the nearby taxi stand. "Unless, you're really hungry. We could get something here..."

"I'm good for now. I had like 4 bags of peanuts on the plane," he replied, "The flight attendant's son is in the Navy, so she sort of adopted me. She even gave me some of those little bottles of liquor they have in first class."

Ah, so I wasn't the only one who thought he looked older, and maybe_ that_ was why he seemed so glad to see me. I smiled at him brightly as we stepped into the cab. I instructed the driver where to take us while Finn settled in next to me. As was customary with NYC cabs, we were jettisoned into traffic at break-neck speed. The motion jostled me practically into Finn's lap. Finn graced me with one of his sideways glances and a grin and put his arm behind my sholders. I just had to smile back, turning on the slippery vinyl seat to face him. I suddenly felt so shy and awkward, so unlike the Rachel Berry I normally was around Finn. Almost like in the beginning, before we were friends.

After what appeared to be a moment of thought, he shifted and raised his large palm to place it on the left side of my chest over my heart, "I still know you. How is my heart? Have you been keeping it safe for me?"

At that I emitted what could only be described as a laugh with a sob at the end.

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_Now if I could only find the shreds of my own heart. Sigh. I'm feeling dramatic, can you tell? Should I continue?_

_Thanks for reading!_


	3. I Feel Your Heart Burn

_**Notes:** A bit of AU: In this story, Finn joins the army **after** Rachel is in New York. In my first chapter, I was still kind of hoping for a miracle, and Finn would have moved to NYC to join Rachel later. Apparently no such luck._

_Also, I have been to NYC several times as a guest, but I am no native. Please forgive and try to ignore my goofs in geography, culture, typos, missing comas, slightly naughty language, etc._

_**Recap: Finn asked Rachel how her/his heart was doing at the end of the last chapter.**_

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**I Feel Your Heart Burn**

**_NO! I would not do this!_ **I told myself this over and over sternly and silently, as I alternately gasped for breaths and pressed my lips together firmly. I would_ not_ break down like this with the cab driver staring at me nervously in his review mirror.

Finn was looking at me with alarm, frankly. _How could he say something like that and not expect me to react?_ He seemed to snap out of it, as he moved his hand to my cheek, "Hey," he whispered, looking into my eyes, "It was a joke... like not a very good joke, but I didn't mean to make you cry."

"Oh, you are so...so...** Finn**," I huffed in exasperation. I looked back at him. He seemed so unsure, so worried, and actually kind of scared. I had to tamp down my anger, for the moment anyway, because I couldn't bear the fear I saw radiating from those almond eyes I still loved so much. I put my hand over his on my cheek and moved it back to my heart where it had been.

"Your heart hurts, but it still**_ loves_** as much as it ever did," I swallowed and pressed his calloused hand more firmly to me, "It is a little fragile at the moment, though, so you have to understand," I was really trying to ignore the staring cabby. Why, oh why, couldn't we have gotten a cab with one of the solid plexiglass partitions?

"Finn,"I softened my voice, _screw him_- the cabbie, not Finn, "When you left Lima like that, without really giving me a say in whether you joined the army or not...You had the best possible intentions for what you did, I know, but really- it** _hurt_** this heart so much,"punctuating my statement by squeezing his hand on my chest, "In fact I think it may still be a little broken. Maybe more than a little," I admitted this hesitantly, looking up at him.

He sighed deeply and shut his eyes as a look of pain crossed his face, "Rachel, you must know, like I told you when you would finally take my calls again... By the way, Santana is still a crazy bitch... just saying," I laughed weakly at his reference to my now (shocker) roommate.

Surprisingly, Santana had called me in New York within a week of my arrival, and suggested we room together, saying something like: better the devil you know than the one you don't. Her satanic reference had not been lost on me, especially when she had taken to answering my phone when Finn called and cussing a blue streak in Spanish. I had come to love the crazy and the bitch that was Satan...errr... Santana, but I couldn't dispute what he said.

"Anyway, like I said when you finally answered your phone instead of Santana," Finn continued, "I know you were hurt, but you have to understand what it was like for me. I was sitting there in Lima, the Lima loser I had always dreaded being, and worse, I was in danger of dragging you down with me. My dad never had the chance to break out of that … I didn't want to be_ that_ man. He walked out on his wife and kid... He left us, Rachel!" he spat the last part out vehemently.

"Finn," I replied gently, "After the Gulf War, he was sick, he needed help, and he couldn't get it. I would never let that happen to you. You had other options besides the army."

"You don't think Mom tried to help him?" he shot back bitterly, eyes flashing.

Suddenly, we were both brought back to the present by the sharp jolt of our cab, as our cab driver swerved mightily to miss a nearby bicycle messenger. Probably too riveted by our drama to be paying much attention to his driving. You knew you really were in a bad way, when a New York cab driver was interested in your backseat dramatics. They had usually seen it all, been there done that, and just wanted to get to the next fare.

The rest of the ride was completed mostly in silence with each of us staring out of our respective windows watching New York go by. Nobody's hand was on anybody's heart; we were both miserable. By the time we reached our destination, my 8 story walk-up apartment building in the Lower East Side, my heart had gone from burning with frustration to icy cold with sadness.

"This is us," I said with forced cheer while paying the cab driver, who I sincerely hoped to** _never_** see again, "We were so lucky my dad's cousin knew someone in the neighborhood. The apartment's tiny, but it's great we are on the island and don't have to take the train into the city everyday."

I saw Finn wince when I said "we." Was he imagining that he could have been the "we" I meant, but it was Santana instead? This thought really did bring tears to my eyes. Land mines everywhere.

I started to walk towards the narrow doorway leading to the steps of my apartment, when Finn stopped me by gently wrapping his fingers around my wrist. _"I'd forgotten how long his fingers are,"_ thinking to myself as my pulse thrummed under said fingers. Taking a deep breath and hoping he wouldn't notice how fast my heart was racing, I turned to him questioningly.

"Rach, I know this is so hard. Ah, hell," he shifted his duffle onto his sholder and ran his hand through what was left of his hair. That old nervous habit of his had the threatening tears running down my cheeks.

"I know I don't deserve for you to forgive me. I certainly don't deserve for you to love me, but my heart ...it...it _burns_ for you. Some nights I lay in my bunk when everyone else is asleep, and I just want you so much, and not in a sex kind of way. Well, not _always_ in a sex kind of way. I just want to hold you and have you there with me, so I can tell you stuff like about the mean-assed drill sergeant or the crazy guy in the next bunk, or that I just don't know if I can go another day without you."

I took a step toward the big, tall, strapping soldier standing on the sidewalk in his camo uniform, who had tears in his eyes. There was the Finn I probably loved the most of all: the sensitive Finn... heart in his eyes vulnerable Finn. At that moment my heart burned, too, and I forgave him everything. I was still mad, but I loved him too much to not forgive him.

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_Okay, I may have gone overboard with the heart references, but Finchel is a couple with so much heart, I couldn't resist._

_Always, always thanks for reading!_


	4. I Will Look for You

_**Notes:**This is a quiet little chapter. Just how it worked out._

_In the last chapter, Finn asked Rachel for forgiveness. She did forgive him, but now she needs to show him._

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**I Will Look for You**

Forgiving Finn had always been so easy. What came after had always been the hard part, but I was Rachel Berry, current NYADA student, someday award-winning Broadway actress. Time to put some of my new workshop skills into practice. I tried to think of the best way to convey my feelings. And there were so many feelings: _jitteriness_- like it was my first day at NYADA all over again;_ regret_- that Finn and I had been broken;_ fear_- that we couldn't fix it;_ love_, there was always love, and most importantly _**hope**_. Any man who could look at me the way Finn was at this moment was well worth the effort. We'd been broken before, and somehow pulled the pieces back together. Ironically, we had been in New York then, too. Sometimes, I still relived that on-stage kiss at Nationals. It was the first time in my life that I had completely forgotten about the audience staring up at me, waiting for me to showcase my talents. On that stage at nationals there had only been Finn and that kiss.

I puzzled all this out, standing on the sidewalk in front of my building with Finn, as dozens of people swirled around us going about their lives. Finn shifted his booted feet a little restlessly, but he did not look away, not once. There was so much I wanted to say- _better to show him_. I felt a smile spread across my face, "Come with me, are you ready?"

He nodded, seeming a little confused at my abrupt change in topic. He followed me to my building as I took my keys from my coat pocket and unlocked the small, black door. I turned and took his hand, at the same time grasping the ancient brass handle to open the door and bring him into the dim, dingy lobby. We walked past the broken elevator that hadn't worked since before the first George Bush had been president (and even then only occasionally) and passed through a crumbling archway to the seemingly endless stairwell that led to the apartments above. Moving in had been a grueling test of endurance for me- eight flights of steep steps up to my new apartment. Though at the moment, we weren't going to my apartment. I needed to show him something first.

About five flights up, I paused, glancing back at Finn, who was still carrying his duffel—_oops, I'd forgotten about that._ I needn't have been concerned, he wasn't even breathing hard. He grinned, watching me catch my breath, "Guess all that PT they make us do is paying off."

"It would seem so," I replied dryly as we continued on our way up to the tenth floor. I pushed open a battered steel door that led out onto the roof of the building. It was like many other rooftops in the city, covered with black asphalt interspersed with odd shaped vents and duct work snaking over its surface. I had discovered the roof my first night in my new home, when despite my exhaustion, I had suddenly felt the urge to climb, to see the sky again. Most people don't realize how little of the sky one can see in sky-scraper-dense Manhattan. It was one of the things I missed most about Lima, open sky.

On this rooftop, surrounded by many other rooftops and taller buildings, you could still see a chunk of the sky overhead. The traffic noises below combined to create a sort of soothing hum. It was dusk, so everything was bathed in a dim golden light interspersed with looming shadows from the other surrounding buildings. Finn walked with me as I made my way between the vents and ducts to my favorite corner. We stood looking over the edge of the roof. My voice seemed loud when I spoke, breaking the relative silence, "I come here a lot, though we're really not supposed to. If you look down Grand Street you can see a little bit of the East River when the air is clear. See, just there," I leaned into Finn and shifted our bodies to point out the tiny sliver of deep blue in the distance.

Finn's eyes were glancing around, taking it all in. "Now I can picture you here when I'm not with you," he mused softly.

A wave of sadness seemed to wash over us both, of the _what-could-have-beens_. I shook myself, "What I wanted to show you," I pointed directly up.

As Finn looked up, his upturned profile was outlined against the dimming sky, highlighting his cheekbones and long lashes. He really was remarkably handsome, even more so now. I mentally snapped a photograph for a later time. A memory to hold close on the cold nights when I sat here alone.

"Here is where I come to look for you when it's dark, or as dark as it ever gets in the city with all the lights," I said.

"What do you mean 'look for me'?"

"I can very rarely see any stars, but I know they are there... I know that the star you gave me is there..." with a sigh I continued, "...and somehow I feel closer to you. Even after you left Lima to join the army, and I was so hurt I wouldn't speak to you, and Santana would call you all manner of nasty names in Spanish... I came up here to remember you, while I looked for you... My star named Finn, who promised to always be looking down at me. Besides your love, that star is the best gift anyone has ever given me."

Glancing up at him, I saw a familiar look on his face. His lips were pressed together in a small grimace and his eyes were a little squinty with a crease between them. I had seen this look sometimes when I sang to him. It told me he was feeling things that he couldn't say or didn't know how to say, but they were profound things, loving things just the same.

When he finally spoke, his voice had a raspy edge to it, "Can we come up here together when it's dark? I want to be here just once when you look for me."

"I would love that," I replied a little thickly, "because I think...** I know.**.. I will **always** look for you."

I stood on my tiptoes, and pressed myself against him placing my lips on his for a soft kiss. A kiss of forgiveness, a kiss of hope that what had been broken was mending.

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_Hmmm... on the roof at night. Rating may be going up soon. ?_


	5. I Will Wait for You

_**Big thanks to all who have reviewed, favorited, and alerted (especially Amybf19). You inspire me!**_

_**Notes: **_

_Stay Puft is a brand of marshmallows, as in the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man from the movie **Ghostbusters 2**._

_Gomer Pyle is a 1960's American TV character known as a goofy, dimwitted soldier._

_Also, I hope Santana doesn't offend anyone, but you know how she is._

_**Last chapter recap: **Finn and Rachel have a touching moment on the roof of her apartment building, moving towards rebuilding their relationship._

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**I Will Wait for You**

"Maybe we could have like a picnic on the roof or something," Finn suggested as we were treading down the steps to my apartment, "Kind of like our first date. Only I promise not to run off this time."

"What a romantic idea, Finn," I was a little giddy that he would think of such a thing, "And a good idea since we don't really have a kitchen table yet. We've been using an old coffee table Santana's parents had and eating sitting on the couch. Really we're not sure there is room for a table anyway."

"Actually, I wanted to talk to you about that, "I continued, "The apartment is really tiny, but we've tried to make it homey. We were lucky it had two bedrooms- well more like walk-in closets. I think my room may actually have been used as a closet at one time given there were coat hooks on the walls. Anyway,"_ Rambling on_, "I hope you won't be uncomfortable because it's so small."

"Rachel, I have been living in room full of guys with my bunk as my only personal space, and Drill Sgt. Gramble would say that's even too good for the likes of me. He certainly doesn't have a problem leaning within two inches of a guy's face and yelling at the top of his lungs, if that guy doesn't get up fast enough for him at 0430 hours."

"Oh, Finn," I turned around and grabbed his hands, "That's awful. I knew you were in a bunk room, but I didn't know they yelled at you. I mean I know the army is supposed to be all tough and all, but they should still treat you with simple human kindness."

Finn looked amused and actually a little embarrassed, "Rach, it's not the boy scouts, that's for sure. And I won't lie to you and say it's all sexy like _Call of Duty,_ where I'm leaping out of helicopters blasting the bad guys and stuff._ (I mentally shivered at the thought!)_ It's kind of like a super, super, intense practice, like for football or something, but with weapons and jeeps, and it **_never_** ends." At the last comment, a look of extreme fatigue crossed his still-boyish features, making him look years older.

"I've been thoughtless, you must be tired,"I replied. By this time we had arrived at my apartment door, where I pulled out my keys and unlocked the three locks we had for security, "Let's get you settled. I have some of that sports drink you used to like, or we could run out and get something..."

We stepped into my apartment, which could best be described as a smallish room containing a combination kitchen and living area with 2 practically microscopic bedrooms and an antiquated bath room lining one side. Santana glanced up from the kitchenette, where she was apparently making a sandwich.

"Well, hellooo, Sgt. Stay Puft," Santana eyed Finn from head to foot with her characteristic scowl, "Though it looks like some girl scout left you over the campfire too long. Toasty._ (Yep- She noticed Finn's tan, too.)_ Guess it's time for a new name. Hmmm..."

"Santana, remember what we talked about," I said in playful warning, as she pondered her options, "Retract the claws."

Santana let out a very put upon sigh, "But it's so easy. Though..." Santana swaggered across the room to stand directly in front of Finn, "Let me just remind you, **Gomer Pyle**, of my upbringing. We girls from Lima Heights look after our own, and since I'm living with Berry here, she falls in that category. You pull anything else like this **_'Surprise! I'm joining the army!'_** crap on my home girl, let's just say, I have friends who can make even your dog tags disappear. _Comprende?_"

Finn's eyes got a little bigger at this, "Uh, Santana, could you like ….not say things like that when you're holding a knife?"

Santana looked down at the knife she had been using to slice tomatoes and grinned evilly. Pointing it at Finn's chest, "Sleep with one eye open, Fuzzhead."

_Fuzzhead- honestly?_ She was slipping, though that was practically an endearment coming from her. "O-o-kay..." I stammered, moving to put my arm around Finn's waist protectively, which was kind of comical given Santana was holding sharp cutlery, and Finn towered over us both by at least a foot. _I'm not sure who'd I'd bet against in that fight, though._

"Actually, Santana," Finn looked her straight in the eye, like he would a snake_ (respectfully!)_, "It was really cool of you to be there for Rach when I errr..."

"...Were a complete and total butt-munch, joining the army without even talking to her first," Santana interrupted, "**Hello, big life decision here**. **Should consult the girl-you-plan-to-marry about it.** And now I have serious concerns about the intelligence and preparedness of our military. Are they going to start drafting 12 year-olds next? Or maybe they plan to have you fall on the enemy combatants repeatedly?"

Finn was remarkably unperturbed by Santana's rant. "Anyway, thanks, I will always be grateful to you for having Rachel's back. Also, I think she's a lot safer with you here in the city with her."

Santana snorted. "No kidding, they don't sell pepper spray at Gymboree or the Audrey Hepburn section of Macy's or wherever the hell it is she gets her clothes."

_I'm not six! They think I can't take care of myself?_ "I'll have you know I've signed up for a self-defense class, and I have pepper spray _(True, Santana bought it for me.)_, and I'm not afraid to use it!"

Finn and Santana exchanged a look between them and burst out laughing. "Chica, you look like an enraged Disney princess doll," Santana said as she ruffled my bangs playfully.

Moving to wrap up her sandwich in plastic, Santana ambled over and put it in her bag by the door, "Got to run. I'm catching the 9:10 to New Haven to see Quinn, remember. Oh, and if Britt calls your phone, remind her I found mine, so she can call me. Thanks, Rach."

Looking at Finn with a smirk Santana quipped, "I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do but... well, that ship has sailed hasn't it? At least I won't be here for the train wreck that is Finchel make-up sex. Ughh..." She was out the door before Finn or I could summon a retort.

I moved my eyes from where Santana had just exited back to Finn, "Well, that went better than I expected. I think she's already on her way to forgiving you."

"How can you tell? And did she just call you _Rach_? I feel like I should go look outside and see if there's an eclipse or something," Finn replied in wonder.

I laughed at that. "Santana really is a good egg. Maybe a little hard boiled, but definitely a good egg."

Finn walked to me and put his hands at my waist, "I think you may be right. So when do I get a tour of your shoebox?"

"Well, this is the living room and kitchen, as you see," then turning us around to face the wall with three doors, "And first door on the right is Santana's room, middle door is the bathroom, which, by the way, don't turn on any other water while someone is in the shower, unless you want them boiled alive. And this..," I continued walking to the door on the far left, "...is my room."

My jitteriness had returned full force. Rather than butterflies in my stomach, it felt like full fledged bats or something. "Umm...Finn about sleeping arrangements..." I was blushing madly, "I really want to be with you, but could we umm...kind of take it slow and maybe just, I don't know..." I swallowed hard "... _**wait** _a bit before we're uh... intimate again?"

What was I saying? I knew for a fact that neither of us had had sex in more than three months, since we'd last been together. I was surprised I hadn't pushed him into my room and had my way with him already, because part of me _**really **_wanted that. But my heart was, like I said earlier, still a little broken from the whole _you-didn't-tell-me-before-you-joined-the-army_ thing.

Finn raised his hands to cup my face, his thumbs brushing over my cheeks. He tilted my head up, so my eyes would meet his, "Hey, Rach," he whispered, lowering his head to gently brush his lips across mine, "I will always wait for you."

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_Thanks so much for reading!_


	6. I Will

**_Notes:_**

_The Pentagon is located in Virginia just outside of Washington, DC. It is the national headquarters for US Department of Defense (DOD). Among other things, it's a huge office building, full of top ranking military staff. It really is shaped like a pentagon and is an interesting place to drive by if you are ever in the area._

_Warning-This is an expositional chapter, in which some plot stuff is explained, so it may be a little dry. Hope we can all press through together._

_Last chapter recap - Santana has left the building (Ha-ha). Rachel and Finn agree to ehhrm... wait (just a little) to be intimate again._

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**I Will...**

It was 2:30 in the morning. I was so tired, but I couldn't sleep. Knees drawn up to my chest, I sat in the old, overstuffed chair that barely fit by the window in my closet-sized bedroom. Street light filtered through the curtains, softly illuminating Finn, whose long legs made his feet hang over the end of my bed. He was so still, the only movement- the slow rise and fall of his chest. He hadn't stirred when I finally gave up on sleep and got up to sit in the chair fifteen minutes ago. Thoughts were revolving in my mind in an endless loop.**_ Three days, I had 3 days, and then Finn would be gone again._** It took everything I had not to take the two steps to my bed where Finn slept and wake him up. But he had been exhausted, so we had opted for a quiet night in, with leftovers for dinner and a lot of catching up on what had been going on in our lives. He had eventually fallen asleep on my bed while I was showering, and I hadn't had the heart to wake him. I'd simply snuggled next to him and dozed for a bit. Now, wide awake, I played our conversation from several hours ago over again for the thousandth time.

_My Apartment Several Hours Earlier:_

"I hope you like this tofu, veggie lasagna. I made it yesterday from a new recipe. Santana says it's quote 'better than most of the bunny crap' I eat, but, I know you've never been fond of my meatless dishes. I could make you a sandwich. I think Santana has some turkey slices."

"Ha!" Finn let out a small laugh and walked over to join me in the kitchen, "...and have her carve me up with a knife while I sleep. No, thanks. Whatever is fine, Rach. The food at Fort Benning sucks rocks, so even tofu lasagna should taste good. Can I errr...help?"

_His mother really has raised him well. _ I thought, watching him, as he eyed the congealed mass of lasagna with suspicion.

"I think I've got it, but thanks. Have a seat and talk to me while I finish up," I gestured to the wooden stool next to the counter.

"So have you heard what happens next now that Basic Training is over?" I asked, trying to appear casual as I sliced lasagna to heat in the microwave.

"I'm going on to AIT, Advanced Individual Training. I requested placement somewhere along the east coast, but I have to go where they tell me."

"So they could send you to ….Afghanistan or someplace like that," I couldn't hide the shaking in my voice, "You have no say?"

"Not much, but AIT is almost always on bases in the US. I have some skills with engines and cars and stuff from working at Burt's shop, so that makes me more valuable than a lot of new recruits, according to my CO. We're looking into programs that would help me build on that. I've taken tons of skills tests and personality tests since I joined up. I thought my test taking days were over," he said ruefully, "The army had other plans."

I walked over to stand in front of him where he was perched on the kitchen stool, placing myself between his splayed knees. I put my left hand on his thigh above his knee, and I felt him tense a little, as a flash of desire shot through us both. Trying to ignore the heat curling in my belly, I said, "Well... you know what I think. Your dad would be so proud of you, Finn, and I know your mom is."

"Yeah- when she's not freaking out about **_'her baby'_** being in the military,"he responded dryly, "I hope my dad would be proud. I mean, I never knew him, but hopefully I'm setting things right. I haven't had any luck so far finding out about his time in the Middle East during the Gulf War. They keep telling me that his records would take a really high level security clearance to get, like they're top secret or something. Makes me wonder what really happened..." Finn trailed off, his expression thoughtful, "Actually, turns out Burt is going to be a big help with that, being a Congressman and all. He's already trying to set up meetings with some generals at the Pentagon or something."

I didn't really know much about the Pentagon, and I guess it showed on my face.

"The Pentagon is near Washington, D.C. It's kind of like the headquarters for the whole military," Finn explained, "I'm hoping, if I can get some top brass to look at my dad's case, I can get his dishonorable discharge checked into or maybe even overturned."

"That's wonderful, Finn!"

Finn placed his fingers over my hand that had been rubbing circles on his lower thigh, "Rach, that's...umm... really...distracting."

"Oh- sorry," I moved to take my hand away, but he stopped me by flexing his fingers over mine, his thumb brushing over my engagement ring, "I felt so selfish today, in the airport, when I saw this." He looked down at the ring on my hand, "I wasn't sure you'd still be wearing it. You have every right to take it off and not wear it anymore..." His voice seemed to fade at the last, as if he was afraid of what he was saying.

"Finn! Why would I not wear it?" I suddenly felt a little dizzy, as a thought occurred to me, "That is... do you think I should stop wearing it? Because I've never stopped..." My turn to have my sentence trail off. This was hard.

"That's why I felt selfish, Rachel, because I was so glad when I saw it. Much more than glad, actually, but I have no right to expect you to keep your promise to me now that I've done what I have- joining the army. When I first decided to join up, I thought I could let you go, you know, for your own good. Give you the chance you deserve to have a better life without me...at least for a while, anyway."

"Stop right there!" I interrupted angrily. _Oh, how I wanted to shake him!_ "There is NO**_ life_** without you, that is a better life, so you can stop that thinking right now."

He laughed bitterly, "That's it, don't you see? I couldn't go through with it. I was trying to be all noble and stuff, but I just couldn't stay away. I'm not strong enough to let you go. I thought I was, but I'm not."

At this I shuffled myself closer to him as he shifted on the stool, so we were eye to eye, "You are one of the strongest men I know, Finn Hudson. I knew that the day you practically forced me on that train to New York. Things didn't work out like we hoped exactly, but can't we be strong together for each other? I will NOT give up on us!" _I was Rachel Barbra Berry, damnit! Nothing was going to keep me from my dreams, and Finn Hudson, my future husband and someday father of my children, was a huge part of those dreams._

_Back in my bedroom around 3 am:_

So, I'd seemingly quelled Finn's worries about me, but what about my worries about him? As I sat in the 3 am dimness of my room, watching Finn sprawled adorably on my bed with his mouth hanging open, I realized that I needed to hear him say that he wanted us to continue our engagement. I had been so busy convincing him that I wanted us to, that I hadn't really heard what he wanted. He had as good as said that he had intended to break up with me. But his kind, gentle heart wouldn't let him. Maybe he was just afraid of hurting me. One of the wonderful things about Finn was how he put others before himself. As usual, I had been so caught up in my own feelings that I may have missed what he wanted.

Gnawing on my lip, I made a decision then and there. Of course, I wanted Finn for the rest of my life, and I thought Finn felt the same, but it was time to let him tell me what he wanted. Now I just had to wait for him to wake up to do that...

_Later:_

I must have nodded off, because next I knew- Finn was crouching in the darkness in front of me, clad in his army green boxers and t-shirt, "Rach, babe... what's wrong? Why'd you get out of bed? I mean, I knew you crawled in with me at some point. Sorry I fell asleep earlier. Everything okay?"

"Couldn't sleep...but must've dozed off," I replied groggily, "Wasn't sure you still wanted to marry me." _(Suddenly, I was much more alert. Did I just say that out loud? I hadn't meant to be so abrupt.)_

"_**What?**_" he looked startled and very hurt, "How could you think that? After all we've talked about..." He took my hands and gently pulled me over to the bed where we got in. Wrapping his long arms around me he held me as though we were spoons in a drawer, his front to my back. We both sighed deeply. "Rach, more than anything, I want to be here like this every night for the rest of my life, holding you while you sleep. I'm just not sure it's the fair thing, the right thing to do for you, since now I can't be here all the time."

"Don't I get a say in what's right for me?" I responded, back to wanting to shake him again, "So you do still want to marry me... someday." I was glad it was still dark; I was blushing furiously.

"Rach, there's a song that my mom used to play for me when I was a kid that I've been listening to on my iPod a lot lately-like when I'm laying in my bunk not sleeping because I miss you so much. It'll be rough, but would you like to hear it? Would you like me to sing you a lullaby to help you sleep?"

"I'd love a lullaby, Finn." At this he tightened his arms around me and kissed my temple, putting his head next to mine.

As Finn began to sing into the darkness around us, I could_ feel_ my lullaby vibrating through his chest and into my back:

_("I Will" by the Beatles)_

_ Who knows how long I've loved you?_  
_You know I love you still_  
_Will I wait a lonely lifetime_  
_If you want me to, I will._

_For if I ever saw you_  
_I didn't catch your name_  
_But it never really mattered_  
_I will always feel the same._

_Love you forever and forever_  
_Love you with all my heart_  
_Love you whenever we're together_  
_Love you when we're apart._

_And when at last I find you_  
_**Your song will fill the air**_  
_**Sing it loud so I can hear you**_  
_Make it easy to be near you_  
_For the things you do endear you to me_  
_Oh, you know, I will_  
_** I will...**_

As he held the final notes of the song, I felt something warm and wet hit the side of my cheek and slip sideways over my nose. I looked up through tears of my own, "Finn, you're crying."

"That was just ...**wow**...amazing!" I snuffled in a deep breath, "Oh, how I love you. You always could pick songs that say it all. That does it. There will be no more talk of 'setting me free,' Finn Hudson! You **will **marry me someday!"

And at that he whispered in my ear, "I will..."

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_Well, hope you enjoyed. Thanks for reading!_

_Warning: Rating really is going up in the next chapter or two. Sorry, but I like a little spice with my Finchel._

_The song above is called "I Will" by the Beatles. It's a lovely song, which I highly recommend._


	7. I Run to You

_This chapter was a delight to write, so I really hope you like it. Please let me know. Also, the rating is up, so be warned. Nothing too naughty yet, but give me time._

_I may not be able to update much more this week, but please check back often, as I will try to get the next chapter up as soon as I can. Please don't forget about me!_

_Thanks! _

_VioletB_

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**I Run to You**

I woke to dim sunlight filtering through the window. Snuggling down in the covers, into the delightful smell of … Finn...hmm...he always did smell so good. I had never figured out why, but it must have had something to do with pheromones. He had a smell that was genetically designed for me- a smell that could drive me crazy and comfort me simultaneously. _Wait a minute_- I sat up in bed, _where was Finn?_ I glanced at the clock beside my bed- 9:15 am. Hadn't meant to sleep this late, but I had been awake for hours last night mulling over the state of my relationship with the man now missing from my bed. I giggled to myself. I sounded like a wanton... "man ...my bed" etc. I had been looking forward to a little cuddling this morning. _Where was he?_

My question was answered as I padded out of my room into the kitchen. I could hear the shower running in the bathroom nearby. Hmmm... tempting to step in there. But we weren't quite there yet. I tried to banish visions of water running down Finn's body, over his skin...**_Stop it, Rachel! _**Definitely time for a cup of tea. I noticed there was coffee in the pot in the kitchen. Funny, I didn't remember Finn drinking it...My musings were interrupted by rapid-fire knocking on the front door. Who could that be?

"Rachel Barbra Berry, open this door this instant," came a disgruntled and rather shrill voice belonging to my best friend and Finn's step brother, Kurt Hummel, fashion guru extraordinaire.

When Kurt had not gotten into NYADA last Spring, we had been devastated. Though, to quote Julie Andrews, _"When God closes a door, somewhere he opens a window."_ Kurt was now enrolled at the Fashion Institute of New York or FINY, as we called it, the humor of the cutesy version of Finn's name, not lost on either of us.

I hurried to open the door before the neighbors called the police, "Shhh... Kurt. The neighbors …" I whispered as I pulled him into the apartment.

"As if they weren't up all night listening to you and my brother having fantastic reunion sex. You forget who you're talking to, Rachel Berry."

I struggled to control my features as Kurt breezed by me and into the kitchen, "Where is the big lug? And why didn't you text me last night when he got in? Really, Rachel, he is my brother..." Kurt picked up the coffee pot and sniffed it daintily before wrinkling his nose in disgust. "Looks like I'm too late to save Finn from himself. The man still can't make coffee," Kurt mused as he dumped the entire pot out in the sink and turned on the water faucet full blast.

"Kurt...wait...STOP! Turn that off, Finn's in the..." I was interrupted by an angry yowl coming from the bathroom "...shower."

"Whoops," Kurt sheepishly turned off the water, "Really, Rachel, you should talk to your landlord about the ancient plumbing in this place. I don't know how you stand it..."

Suddenly, the bathroom door opened, steam billowing out, **"Rachel, what the hell!"** a very wet, very irritated, and a very... well .._.naked_, if you didn't count the positively_ tiny_ towel wrapped low around his hips, Finn stood dripping on the tile floor.

Oh. My. God. I plunked down hard on the wooden stool in the kitchen, which was luckily behind me because I'm not sure my legs would support me. Finn obviously had not been shirking during all that physical training the Army made him do. My earlier imaginings of water sluicing down Finn's body in the shower had fallen way short of the mark. He was like one of those two story Calvin Klein ads in Times Square. Naked Finn was quickly catching up to Sensitive Finn on my list of favorite Finns.

"Well, hello, brother mine! You are looking so...fit," Kurt pranced over to stand next to Finn's very muscular shoulder. Kurt seemed to think of giving his brother a quick hug but then thought better of it, "Rachel, shut your mouth, dear."

I quickly clapped my mouth shut, knocking my teeth together, as Kurt waggled his eyebrows at me. Fortunately, Finn missed most of the bi-play between us. "Hey, Kurt, I suppose I have you to thank for the boiling water shower. How are you, brother?"

"I am doing well, Finn. I needn't ask how you are. You look fabulous, toddler haircut aside," Kurt replied.

"I kind of like it short. As Rachel says- no hair products necessary. Yay!" Finn brushed his hands over his hair, unintentionally flexing his biceps in the process, grinning crookedly down at his brother. My heart sped up even more, if that was possible. _Oh, my..._

**Rachel. Get. A. Grip!** I was thinking in single word sentence fragments now. Really. This was _Finn._ It didn't matter what he looked like**_ (gorgeous body)_** because he was the love of my life. This was just a bonus to offset the suckiness of him being hundreds of miles away from me in the military most of the time.

"Well," Kurt picked up that I was actually speechless, a very rare occurrence for me, I must say, "I just popped by to see what you two lovebirds had planned for today." Kurt nodded expectantly at me as if to say snap out of it, girl.

"Erhm... we hadn't really discussed that yet, had we, Finn?" I was madly trying to think of a way to get Kurt out of the apartment before Finn remembered to put his clothes on. I loved my best friend, but really...

"Whatever you want to do today is fine, Rach. I'm all yours," Finn replied._ If only_, I thought as Finn walked over to stand in front of me, "And good morning, babe," he leaned over and kissed me lingeringly, "You were so out of it this morning, I just had to get up before I... That is..." Finn was blushing as he glanced down at my lace edged tank top with coordinated sleep shorts and quickly looked away._ So maybe, I was affecting him a little bit, too._ I just had to grin.

"O-kay," Finn and I both started at Kurt's voice._ (Was he still here?)_, "How about we hit some tourist spots like the Statue of Liberty or Ellis Island and have some lunch at that darling little vegan place in the East Village? Or we could go by the TKTS booth in Times Square and see what shows they have discounted for today's matinees."

I struggled valiantly to push down the raging desire that was currently coursing through my veins. Finn really should spend time with his brother, and we would have time for _other things_ later. The sooner we got moving, the sooner we'd be back, I thought with resigned determination. "How about a show then, Finn? I've heard _Rock of Ages_ is really good, and I bet you'd like it. They even sing "Don't Stop Believin'," though, I'm sure it can't compare to our version."

"That sounds great! Let me just throw on some clothes _(Drat!)_, and I'll be ready. I used some of Santana's skim milk and had a couple of bowls of cereal. Remind me to grab some more milk, while we're out," Finn was obviously thinking of the knife again.

"Sounds like a plan," I smiled a little too brightly to compensate for my disappointment about Finn putting on clothes, "I'll grab a Kashi bar and be dressed in a jiff. Kurt, would you mind making me a cup of tea? Please, remember about the water. Thanks!"

Once we were all dressed and ready, we headed over to Broadway and 47th to the TKTS booth, where discounted tickets were sold every day for Broadway shows. Luckily, _Rock of Ages_ was one of the matinees listed on the electronic boards outside the booth. Finn insisted on paying for our tickets, as he said he was the only one of us with a full-time job at the moment. Really very sweet, because even at a discount, tickets to Broadway shows weren't cheap.

Kurt, Finn, and I had so much fun wandering around the nearby streets looking at all the theater marquees. We ate at one of my favorite Chinese restaurants in the Theatre District, Ollie's, where the food was good but inexpensive. I was glad we chose Ollie's for lunch, as I watched Finn devour his fourth batch of dim sum and wash it down with spicy soup. I guess it took a lot of food to maintain that muscular body of his.

By the time we headed for the Helen Hayes Theatre for the play, we had all acquired cheesy, matching I -heart- NY t-shirts from a street vendor, and Kurt had sworn to take Finn shopping to improve his wardrobe, now that most of his civilian clothes didn't fit anymore. I really had missed his t-shirt under a plaid shirt combos. They were so him. I'm sure Kurt had other fashion ideas. That ought to be an interesting shopping expedition...

I sat between my two boys, near the back of the theatre. The show was fantastic with the leads having amazing voices. I zoned out several times picturing myself up there playing, Sherri Christian, though I didn't really fit the Kansas-born ingenue character. During the ending number of "Don't Stop Believin'" all three of us had tears in our eyes for what used to be. Finn clasped my hand tightly. Certainly, one of the best moments of my life had been standing on the Regionals stage with Finn singing that song along with Kurt and the rest of the New Directions. The message at the end of the play was so applicable to our own story- _Dreams don't always turn out the way you plan._

We were all in quiet moods after the show. Kurt said his good-byes for the time being, after I gave him a few pointed looks while Finn wasn't looking. We made plans to meet up for brunch the next day, anyway. Finn and I decided to take the long walk back to my apartment, though the sky had several angry black clouds looming.

"This is still so romantic, Finn, walking with you in New York, like when we were here for Nationals. Hard to believe that will be two years ago soon."

"Sorry, I'm not all dressed up to take you to Sardi's this time, Rach," he quipped, a sweet smile on his face as he looked down at me, and tightened his grasp of my hand.

"No- this is perfect, just the man I love in the city I love, alone together," I said as I hugged myself closer to his side.

"Well, looks like we might need to pick up the pace, if we don't want to get wet," Finn said glancing at the cloud-darkened late afternoon sky.

Just as he said that, the sky opened up, and it started pouring. Rain in New York can be romantic, but not so much without an umbrella, and when it really lets loose. We started running pell-mell, but Finn's longer legs soon outstripped mine, especially since I was wearing heels, which I often did around Finn to offset our height difference. His wet hand slipped from mine, as he ran several long paces to the tattered awning in front of my building before he realized that he had gotten ahead of me.

"Rach?" he glanced around and saw me limping along, half a block away, "Oh, I'm sorry Rach," he yelled over the torrential downpour, as he dashed back to me and scooped me up, as though I were made of feathers.

I squealed and clutched at his wet shirt, as he carried me back to my building where we paused under the awning to catch our breaths. Well, my breath, he didn't seem to be the least bit out of breath.

"Thanks for running back to get me," I looked up at him from my position against his warm chest where his wet t-shirt seemed to be clinging to every muscle. His eyes darkened as he returned my look, only after his gaze skittered over my pink dress, its damp bodice clearly outlining my breasts, partially pressed against him. Our wet clothing seemed no barrier at all, as the damp heat from our bodies combined, I could swear I saw steam rising.

"I will always run to you," he murmured huskily against my lips just before our mouths hungrily crashed together.

* * *

_Is it hot in here? Rating may need to go up further. Ehmmm... not sure yet. I hope you enjoyed it._


	8. I Melt with You

_**Warning: SMUT ahead, hopefully semi-tasteful smut, but smut all the same.**_

_Frankly, I struggled a little with this chapter. I have always enjoyed writing sex scenes, but I wanted to keep the rating at T for several reasons, thus the struggle. I hope I have succeeded. Apologies to anyone who feels I have not._

**_Last chapter Recap: Kurt, Rachel and Finn spend the day in NYC. After bidding adieu to Kurt, Rachel and Finn get caught in a downpour and heated moments follow..._**

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**I Melt with You**

I was shivering by the time we made our way to my apartment door, and I don't think it was because I was soaked to the skin by the sudden New York rainstorm. Actually, I felt kind of.._.hot_...Well, Finn did have me pressed against the door, pretty much holding me upright. My knees had probably stopped functioning long ago. Our mouths tangled in repeated open-mouth kisses, drinking the rain drops from each others lips. His long fingers splayed in my hair against my scalp, as his thumbs pressed at my jaw, tilting my head to deepen our kisses. Our tongues apparently had minds of their own as they tangled around each other. The only sounds to be heard in the empty hallway, were the whispers of our breathing and the gentle drips of the rain that fell from our wet clothing onto the tile floor.

_Oh...this was...incredible_. Like coming home after a long absence to a huge surprise party in your honor. It was, _we were_, the same but so much better, so much _more_ than I remembered. Finn's tall, supple frame bent around mine. This … if we could just have _this_, I knew we could work everything else out. As I pressed myself into his heat, of _this_ I was certain.

After what could have been seconds or hours, he drew back and looked at me, his eyes hooded. So much, **so much** emotion in those beautiful eyes now focused on me. "Rach, are you _sure_? Because if I... take you in there, I ...I don't think I'll be able to stop. I need you. I...", he shut his eyes tightly for a second and then opened them to look at me, " ...I want you so much." He was gasping a little, and it was disconcertingly sexy to see him so stirred up under the power of his desire.

If I had any doubts _(I did not.)_, they would have been gone after that. I raised my shaky hands from his shoulders and placed them on his rain-dampened face. As my thumb trailed over the corner of his mouth, it twitched up into one of his half smiles I loved so much. That was when I finally emerged from my kiss-induced haze enough to realize that Finn was trembling, too.

"Finn, you're trembling... are you... cold?" studying him with concern, "We should go in, get dried off..."

He let out a short gust of a raspy laugh, "No, babe, I'm trembling because of you. _You_ make me tremble."

Well, what was I to do with that statement?_ First_- kiss him senseless, in hopes of showing him at least a fraction of the fierce passion and love I felt for him. _Second_- get him into my apartment and out of our clothes as quickly as possible. It took me several tries to get all three locks unlocked, but finally, the door swung open.

Finn carried me to my bedroom in four resolute strides. The apartment was dark, except for the watery light filtering through the windows. Strange liquid designs were projected around the shadowy room as light passed through the rivulets of rain running down the window panes. All was hushed and still, though I could hear my pulse pounding in my ears over the rain. Finn lowered me to my feet by my bed. As my body slid clingingly down the length of his, he groaned softly.

Surprised I could still stand, I took a small faltering step away from him and grasped the open edges of his plaid shirt in my fingers, pushing it off his shoulders and down his long arms. His t-shirt followed, making a wet plop on the floor of my room when it fell from him. He toed off his shoes, and I unbuttoned his pants, which then rode very low on his lean hips. Somehow, my dress was pushed from my shoulders, and, like a pink waterfall, fell down my body over my legs to pool at my feet. His eyes flickered over me hungrily, as I fought to stand there in my pink bra and panties and return his gaze.

We stood facing each other for a few moments in the odd half-light. He looked the same yet different, my beloved Finn. I had always enjoyed the contrasts between us, his large powerful frame dwarfing my much smaller feminine one. These differences seemed magnified now after long months of absence.

Rising on my tiptoes, I placed slow kisses along his collarbone, trailing my lips down his bare chest to rest over his heart, where I placed another soft kiss. He inhaled sharply, and reached out for me, hands grasping my waist. Dipping his head to drop warm kisses at my throat, his exhalation skittered over my skin, making it prickle. "You taste like rain," he murmured, as his lips followed a similar path downward over my chest.

Arousal thrummed through my body, pooling at my center. Had that throaty gasp come from me or him? Had I really pushed him onto his back onto my bed? _Oh, how magnificent_... Finn lying there, the firm contours of his torso bathed in the wavering light and shadows playing across his pectoral muscles, abdomen and beyond...

_How I wanted him! Had I ever wanted anything more?_ I stood between Finn's knees, while his slitted eyes gazed up at me with open desire, but he remained still, save his rapid breathing. He seemed to be asking a silent question- waiting for the answer, to which I nodded my head slightly. His sensitive palms came up to lightly brush over my thighs, abdomen and breasts, removing the remaining scraps of fabric that had concealed me from him.

His eyes flared, _they burned_. I moved over him, _melting_ with him, onto him. His fingers flexed at my hips, as I hovered on the precipice. Suddenly, he was everywhere at once, but still I couldn't get close enough. _So close_...now on my back, his face over mine, in murky shadows, save the glimmer of his dark eyes. I moved restlessly under him...wanting...needing...aching. Then, we were sharing endless kisses that mirrored our other movements- our bodies clutching, grasping, reaching... Suddenly, the world exploded into a million shimmering stars, but my eyes were open, and he was there just above me, _ just there_. I knew he saw them, too.

He rained many tiny kisses over my face, eyelids, cheeks, ears, and neck, all the while, whispering over and over "I love you..._always you and me_..."

I took his hand in mine, lacing our fingers together, and placed them on my bare chest, holding it over my heart, laying my other hand in the corresponding spot over his heart, _"I melt with you."_

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_If nothing else, this chapter has inspired me to write a naughty M-rated one-shot of Finchel sex. Be on the look out for that, if that is your cup of tea._

_Thanks so much for reading! _


	9. I Want It All

_This is a fluffy, flirty little chapter with a little bit of spicy hijinks thrown in. I felt like lightening the mood for a bit after the intense intimacy in the last chapter._

**_By the way, please, please check out the 2 part companion piece I'm writing for this story. It's called "I Am Finn Hudson, Clueless Male (Part 1)" told entirely from Finn's perspective. It is rated M for minor language and some smut. Curious to know what you think- should I continue?_**

_Last Chapter Recap: Finn and Rachel make transcendent love after getting wet in a sudden rainstorm._

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**I Want It All**

As I squinted at the semi-early morning light streaming through my window next to my bed, I decided, it was official. Sex with Finn was like a box of chocolates. Once I had a little taste, I had to have the whole box. We made love three times the previous night (if you didn't count the _other_ activities we got up to), and I was pretty sure the box was still mostly full. _Lucky me._

I reached behind my back and carefully laid my fingers on Finn's bare hip, just to make sure it hadn't been a brilliant, wonderful dream. Yes, he was still there. How awesome was that! Well, I'd let him sleep a bit more before I disturbed his slumber. To be at his best, a man needed his rest once in a while, after all. I must be grinning like a fool. Last night had been well... orgasmic. We seemed so much more in sync with each other, like we had suddenly gotten better at relating on a sexual level. The things that man could do with his hands and mouth-_ Oh, my_. I felt a twinge below just thinking about it.

I very briefly debated about getting up, but it felt so good just lying there with Finn's warm, muscular body at my back, his arm thrown over my waist, his breath softly brushing against my neck as he inhaled and exhaled in his sleep... Geez, the man could get me wound up even while he was asleep! I had it _bad_, but then I had always had it bad- ever since the first time I saw him walking down the Junior Hall at McKinley- the big, tall football player in his letter-man jacket. Little did I know then that he would become such a huge part of what was important in my life.

The only dark cloud on my sunny horizon was the fact that Finn would be leaving in 2 days, going back to the Army, and who knew where after that. We needed to have a frank talk about our long-term plans. It was so unlike me to not have a plan in place already. I just knew I loved Finn, and he was the love of my life. I wanted us to be together and married eventually. He seemed to feel the same, but long distance relationships were very difficult. Kurt and Blaine seemed to be managing it, but then Blaine wasn't in the Army.

Alright, Rachel Berry, you are not going to let a little thing like a thousand miles get in the way of what you want. You and Finn will find a way to make this work. He got leave didn't he? You could always go visit him where ever he was. He had said he would most likely be in the US. You will ignore the sharp toothy fear at the thought of him having to go someplace dangerous or overseas or both. You will deal with this. My mental pep talk was suddenly interrupted when I realized someone was errm...awake. Heavens, the boy was like the Energizer Bunny.

"Good morning, babe," came a deep, husky murmur in my ear. I could feel his lips there when he spoke. There I went- melting again. Oye. This spooning thing was awesome! Rotating my neck to look back at him, I smiled brightly. His eyes crinkled as he smiled in return, a little sexy beard stubble on his jaw.

"Hi- sleep well?" I asked, my voice a little raspy, as I angled my head backwards and placed a sweet kiss on his lips.

"Yes, among other things..." Finn's look could only be described as the cat that ate the canary- wicked, wicked Finn. His hands started roaming over my bare skin under the covers._ Oh...mailman! Now he had gotten me in the habit of doing that, but honestly...Oh, what the heck?_

I started to turn around to face him, but he stopped me by moving closer behind me, nipping a kiss on the back of my neck, and gently placing a large hand on my hip, "No, Rach, this way...," and he proceeded to show me "this way" in delightful detail.

_Much later..._

Well, now that I was a boneless mass with Finn curled partially beneath me... "Truly not sure I can move to get up now," I sighed theatrically.

"Then don't," he answered, on his back, eyes closed with his arm tucked behind his head, new and improved bicep bulging.

_Look __away __from __the __hot __man, __Rachel __Berry!_ I really had to get firm with myself, if we were ever going to get out of this bed.

Finn's stomach chose that moment to rumble, and I giggled.

"Woman, go get me some grub," he quipped in his best authoritative voice _(not very)_, "You're starving me to death."

We both burst out laughing. "Well," I moved to lay on his chest, looking down at him, "I can't have _my __man_ starving, can I?" I planted slow sultry kisses along his scratchy jaw. The slight abrasiveness made my kiss-swollen, sensitive lips tingle.

_Okay, __now __really, __**step **__**away **__from __the __hot __man, __Rachel __Berry! _My internal voice was really being a kill joy. Sighing deeply, I moved to get up. Finn let out a whiny groan, and wasn't inclined to remove his arms from around me, but I did finally reach an upright position next to the bed.

"Finn, we have exactly 45 minutes before we have to meet your brother for brunch. You need food, so it's a win-win," I pulled back the covers- big mistake. Faster than I could blink, Finn was standing up next to me. The Army training must have helped his reflexes, because I didn't see what was coming next either. He scooped me up, one arm under my shoulders, the other behind my knees, and started striding out of my room.

"Rachel Berry, I think you need a shower, you're a dirty gir..." Finn froze in the doorway of my room, the expression on his face one of shocked horror.

"Ay, dios mio! My retinas are burning! Burning!" came the irate voice of my roommate. Santana was back...early. A naked Finn was holding a naked me in front of shocked Santana. I didn't know it was even possible that I could shock Santana! Oh, this was awkward. Worse than awkward. I think I had a permanent blush now.

After Finn very quickly backed into my room, and I shut the door, he put me down. I began pacing in the small space, "This is awful. Although, when Brittany came up last month, I got more than eyeful myself, let me tell you, but Finn...I'm not like **that**. I have an image to protect. I need to go apologize at once." I started for the door.

"Err...babe..." Finn paused in pulling on his t-shirt.

"What Finn?" I said, my voice several octaves higher in irritation

"You might want to put on some clothes first," he said sheepishly, gesturing to my state of undress.

Glaring at him, I stomped over and pulled on the first thing I could find, an old chenille robe with pastel ice cream cones all over it. Finn shot my robe a strange look, mumbling something about best ice cream ever, as I glared at him and exited my room with a flourish.

"The Rachel Berry Storm Out. Classic." I heard him say.

If I weren't so anxious to apologize to my roommate, I would have walked back in and really let him have it. Instead, I straightened my shoulders and corrected my posture looking around the open living room/kitchen area for Santana. She was in the kitchen stalking around muttering in Spanish with the occasional dramatic hand gesture at the sky.

"Santana, I am **so** sorry. What you must think... It won't happen again."

"I know exactly what I think," she paused for dramatic effect, crossing her arms over her chest, "You and Buzz Lightyear were NAKED, Berry! Not that I haven't seen it all before, but inform Buzz that clothing is NOT optional in the public areas of this apartment. What am I supposed to tell my future unborn children that come out with white hair because I'm so traumatized? And who the hell drank all the milk?"

I walked in what I hoped was a humble way over to stand next to her. "We'll get some milk after we go to brunch with Kurt, if that's okay. In fact, would you like to join us? We're meeting at that new place with the really good tofu blintzes."

"Rachel, I have seen enough of you and Beetle Bailey to last me a **l-o-n-g** time," Santana replied, but then she smiled and chuckled, "Although, and if you tell him this, I will deny it to my dying breath, the Army has really whipped that sack of potatoes into some kind of good shape. I'm just saying." She shrugged philosophically.

"I know, right..." I giggled, just couldn't help myself.

Santana snorted, "Just bring me some 1% when you come back, chica."

It's surprising how fast one can get ready when one feels really bad for parading around naked with one's naked boyfriend in front of one's roommate, and really just wants to get out of said roommate's hair. Fastest. Shower. Ever.

Finn and I took turns in the bathroom, and were ready in record time. Santana lurked in her bedroom during all this, and at one point I heard "Peacock" by Katy Perry blaring on repeat. Finn's eyes went huge after he heard one verse, and he ran for the door red-faced saying something about getting us a cab. I didn't have the heart to tell him we were walking to meet Kurt for brunch. At least my roommate had a sense of humor.

Kurt was striking a dashing pose at a table by the window as we entered the quaint little place in the East Village where we were having brunch.

"Only ten minutes late," Kurt teased, "I thought I'd be waiting all morning for you two, especially after Santana texted about her full-frontal greeting this morning."

"What?" I screeched at the same time Finn said, "At least she didn't get pictures." I felt positively sick at the thought.

After we ordered, Kurt immediately started in on Finn about a shopping expedition for new clothing, as I mediated, or at least tried to mediate.

"Most of the stuff I have still fits," Finn said defensively, "And besides, I'm in ACU's most of the time anyway."

At this Kurt rolled his eyes and looked in askance at Finn's current attire (faded polo shirt that was straining a little across the chest and khaki's) as though it were a polyester leisure suit from the 1970's. Actually, Kurt would have preferred the leisure suit.

"Finn,"Kurt began, "We all know that you are not known for your, eh, fashion forward thinking. Let me put it bluntly. You dress like a four-year-old who has raided his 2-year-old younger brother's closet."

Well, that was blunt alright, I shifted uncomfortably in my chair, "Kurt," I started a little warningly, "Though, I think we'll all agree, that wardrobe updates from time to time, are important, Finn's style..."

"Or lack thereof," Kurt interrupted as Finn glared at him.

_Grant me patience_- starting again, "Finn's style has always been conservative and based on comfort. I don't think we should try to drastically change that. His lack of artifice is one of the things I've always found so charming about him."

At this Finn leaned over and kissed me softly, his eyes twinkling. We must have been enjoying ourselves a little too much because next thing I knew Kurt was clearing his throat and saying sharply, "Rachel...Rachel," Finn and I reluctantly sat back in our respective chairs and focused our attention on the slightly ruffled fashionista across from us, "Seaside cottages circa 1950 and baby ducklings are 'charming.' Men's fashion, however, is _not._"

At that emphatic statement, Finn and I looked at each other and silently agreed, no point in fighting a battle we couldn't win. Might as well make the best of it.

"Well, I suppose I could use a few things..."Finn began resignedly.

At this you would have thought it was Christmas, Mardi Gras, and Fashion Week rolled into one, as Kurt leapt to his feet clapping excitedly, drawing the attention of our fellow diners as he exclaimed, "Yay! I've been wanting to do this for years, though it's a shame you have no hair left to speak of... Oh, well, can't have it all."

As Kurt sat rattling off department store and boutique names, Finn's eyes sort of glazed over, so I took pity on him, "Kurt, maybe just pick a couple of key stores for today..."

"True, Rome wasn't built in a day," he agreed, "I think we'll start with the basics. Bergdorf's, maybe.''

"Or we could go to Barney's...get some ideas..." I started. I was having visions of Finn spending his entire month's salary on a John Varvatos jacket.

"Oh, no, Ms Berry, this is a brothers only outing. No girlfriend/fiances allowed," Kurt smiled smugly, "Besides, don't you trust me? Can't I borrow your man for a couple of hours. I promise you'll be happy with the results."

_This had train wreck written all over it._ I glanced over at Finn, who looked a little frightened.

"Well, I don't know," I said frantically trying to think of a way out of this for Finn.

"Didn't you have some work you needed to do for your History of Theatre class tomorrow..." Kurt prodded.

At this Finn straightened his shoulders, and I knew that look. It was the _Man-up, Hudson_ look. _My brave, brave, naive boy. _ "Rach, you go on, we'll be fine. I don't want to get in the way of your school work."

"If you're sure..." I said looking at him a little guiltily, "I could get my project done now, so we can have all evening together." _I was bailing on him, so shoot me._ "Now, don't let Kurt bully you into buying something posh that you don't need or won't wear."

Kurt overheard that, "Rachel, you wound me. One can be fashionable on a budget. Look at me!" Gesturing to his elegantly casual attire with pride.

As we got up to leave the restaurant, Finn shot me one of his crooked grins, leaning down to me murmuring, "I have special plans for you tonight, and Kurt will actually be great for helping me out with them."

Now I was really intrigued. Raising myself up to kiss him goodbye, I flirtatiously replied, "If that's what you want, Mr. Hudson."

"Oh, Ms Berry," he said in a low voice that sent shivers down my spine, "I want it all."

* * *

_Hmmm... what "special plans" could Finn have in mind? Will he survive a shopping trip with Kurt? Reviews would be great!_


	10. I Would Give You the Stars

_Warning: You might get cavities from this chapter. Ooey-gooey sweetness, etc._

_Last Chapter Recap: Finn and Rachel have a frisky morning before Santana returns from her visit with Quinn. Rachel and Finn have brunch with Kurt who wants to take Finn (gasp) shopping. Finn hints at surprise plans for Rachel later in the day.  
_

* * *

**I Would Give You the Stars**

_Sometime After Brunch with Kurt and Finn..._

By the time I got up the eight mountain-like flights of stairs and into my apartment, lugging my library books for my History of Theatre project and milk for Santana, I was a bit cross, even I'll admit. I forgot to ask Finn to get the milk, so I picked it up, after all it was for my roommate.

I called out softly as I unlocked the apartment door, lest Santana come at me with pepper spray. She was a little too vigilant when it came to security. A good thing overall, but I had almost been maced twice already, when arriving home especially late after evening workshops at NYADA. I always tried to let her know it was me before any sudden movements.

"Hey, Rach," Santana greeted me in a bathrobe and her hair in a towel, just leaving the bathroom, "I'm working the evening shift tonight, so I won't be home until around 11. Thought I'd give you and Naked Big Foot a heads up," shuddering delicately as she glanced behind me _(as if 6'3" Finn could be hiding behind 5'2'' me)._

Santana worked at a cafe near the NYU campus a few nights a week. I always wondered how she made any tips. I could only guess that the patrons liked her sassy version of tough love, because she seemed to do okay. Actually, Santana's brash personality seemed to fit right in here in the city.

"Where is he anyway, did the Army haul his ass to the brig for being out of uniform or something?"

"No- Kurt declared he needed some brother-time with Finn, so they went shopping, of all things," I answered, as I put the milk in the fridge. "Kurt has decided it's time to update Finn's wardrobe."

Santana's eyebrows shot up into her towel at this. "Almost wish I could be there to see that," Santana replied, "Do they have a Big and Tall Section at Baby Gap these days?"

_Interesting that Santana had a similar opinion about Finn's wardrobe. _ "Actually, I'm a little concerned about what Kurt will talk Finn into buying, but Kurt insisted I would be pleased with the results. Well, this gives me a chance to work on my project due next week, so I'm hoping for the best. Hey, with this morning being so um...rushed..."

"That's one way to put it," Santana mumbled.

Blushing I continued as though I hadn't heard her, " How was your trip to New Haven? How's Quinn? I imagine she's really busy since she decided on pre-law."

Santana shrugged, "Quinn is Quinn. Those Yalies don't know what hit them. We went to a party last night, which was epically boring, but whatever. She said to tell you and Jolly Green,' hi.' She asked when you were going to use your rail pass."

"I'll have to wait until after first block classes finish, but I'd love to see her. I'll text her, and set something up. Maybe we could all three hang out here one weekend..."

Santana and I continued to discuss day-to-day roommate subjects for a while. After she left to dry her hair, I turned to the pile of books and papers that would hopefully be a project one day soon. Working steadily, I looked up from where I sat in the chair in my room and noticed it was going on 3 o'clock. Hmmm...Finn was having a marathon torture session with Kurt.

I ambled into the kitchen for a snack, grabbing an apple from the fruit bowl. Standing at the sink munching my apple, I noticed a frying pan that Finn had put in the drying rack after washing it. He'd made me vegan grilled cheeses last night in between all the sex. Actually, even the grilled cheeses had turned into a heavy make-out session culminating in creative use of the kitchen stool, which I was now staring at absently. My hand went to my throat unconsciously, my fingers brushing over a small sensitive patch of skin. There was a reason, I'd worn my hair down today. Finn was generally very careful not to mark me where others could see it, but we'd both been carried away by the moment many times last night. I felt a naughty little thrill of desire shoot downward through my body. When would I ever have enough of him? Never, I hoped.

This brought me to his comment before we parted after brunch, so I was again burning with curiosity. What special plans could Finn have in mind? Speaking of plans, Finn was planning a surprise for me- what kind of fiance was I not to reciprocate? As I mulled over various things Finn might like, my eyes fell on his headphones, that were sticking out of his bag. I had a wonderful idea, a brilliantly, classically Rachel-esque idea. I hoped there was enough time. I grabbed my laptop and the other things I would need and jotted a note to Finn that I hoped I'd be back in an hour or so. I yelled good-bye to Santana as I left.

It took a little longer than I had hoped, but I was home a little before 5 pm. Finn was nowhere to be seen, but there was a pile of shopping bags, some with logos I recognized in the corner of my bedroom. It was really hard not to look in them to see what he bought . He probably wouldn't mind, but perhaps he wanted to show me himself. I certainly would enjoy dressing and undressing the model for my own personal fashion show of Finn's new clothes.

Anxious to get the show started I pulled out my phone to text him:

_Whr r u? Hom sn? XO_

My phone buzzed within a minute with his response:

_B thr sn DNT Lk in bags! XO bk_

Well, trouble averted there, but those bags were just sitting there calling out to me. Open me! Look in me! He said he'd be here soon. I could wait. I _would_ wait.

My inner voice really was being strict today. I purposefully walked out of my room, determined not to snoop, no matter how much it killed me not to. It was truly a lot to ask of Rachel Berry. I was mulling over the idea of going in and at least picking up the bags and giving them a pat down, since that wouldn't technically be looking_ in_ them, when there was a knock at the door. That had to be Finn. I had wanted to give him a key, but he'd said Santana's head might spin in complete circles on her neck if I did. _Probably a good call._

I walked, well- _ran_ actually, to open the door and launched myself at my rather startled fiance.

"Hey, Rach," he chuckled softly into my hair, "I missed you, too. You should have checked to see who it was. I could have been some stalker or something."

I grinned up at him, "My _Finn-senses_ were tingling."

He leaned down to murmur, "Is that _**all**_ that's tingling? I'll have to see what I can do about that later."

"_Later?_ What is this _later_?" I faux-whined at him.

Heated kisses followed, as I basically took up residence against his wonderful chest. Finally, we separated, a little breathless. _Nice to see army PT couldn't stop that kind of breathlessness._

"Wow, babe, remind me to go shopping with Kurt more often."

"I'm just glad you survived in one piece," I responded, my eyes running up and down his tall frame, "Not wearing your new clothes yet? Was it too terrible? Are you so traumatized that you can't bring yourself to wear them?"

"No, Kurt was pretty cool about it. He actually listened when I told him I wouldn't wear chinos so tight they showed all my um... business. Shocker, it was kind of fun, and we got loads done. Sorry I was gone so long, babe. I want to spend as much time as I can with you, but Kurt did keep saying, 'Just try on one more shirt, Finn, it's in your color palette' or whatever."

"I can't wait to see what you got," I rubbed my palms on his chest, "I thought maybe I could have my own private fashion show. I'll be your... dresser." _(AND __**undresser**__, if I have anything to say about it!)_

"Sure, we have a little time before Operation Surprise Rachel begins," he replied.

My surprise had its own code name. **Goody!** I fought not to jump up and down at that, as I followed Finn to the pile of shopping bags in my room.

"What would you like to see first? I got some jeans, a few shirts, and a pair of pants. We didn't get to shoes, but I got a new jacket that's awesome, and it was at this place Kurt knows where things were fairly cheap, so it didn't cost a fortune. That coet-courtier – or however you say it- stuff was wicked expensive."

_Well..._ I barely made it through a pair of jeans and two shirts before I just had to pounce on the man. _Who knew a dresser had to touch her model so much?_

_Afterwards..._

Lying on the floor of my room _(We didn't get to the bed.)_, with my head on Finn's bare chest, I said, "I liked the jeans a lot. They fit really well. The last shirt was a good color for you. Sorry, I popped off a button pulling it off of you. I'll sew it on again for you later."

Finn shot me one of his half smirks, "Thanks! I could tell you liked them, Rach. I'm so glad they met with your approval. I'd hate to think what you would have done to me if you _hadn't_ liked them."

At this, I teasingly elbowed him in the ribs, "Unless you take to wearing a fluffy bunny suits or something, I like pretty much anything you wear. Now that I think of it, you'd look pretty cute in a bunny suit."

"Don't even think about it, Rachel Barbra Berry," Finn huffed as he prepared to get up from the floor, "So are you ready to prepare for **OSR**?"

For a second I shot him a confused look, "**OSR**? Oh... you mean **O**peration **S**urprise **R**achel?"

"Yes, if it's one thing the Amy just _**loves**__- it's _ acronyms, so I've kind of gotten in the habit. For example: you are my** IHF** who I like to **MSE**."

"Errr...translation, please?"

"You take the first letter of each word. You are my** IHF**, **I**ncredibly **H**ot **F**iance, who I like to** MSE**, **M**ake **S**cream in **E**cstasy. Get it?"

I had trouble getting off the floor I was giggling so hard, "Oh, I like that! I'll have to think up some for you."

"There already is one for me: **STUD**," Finn smirked as he reached down to help me up. _(Well that's a little vain.) "_**S**eriously **T**all, **U**ncoordinated **D**ancer." _(Ooh. I see.)_

"Oh, stop it. Your dancing's not that bad. You have really improved tremendously since the whole broken nose incident, which we shall not discuss."

* * *

I asked Finn where **OSR** was happening, and what I should wear. _Didn't want to be under-dressed or over-dressed after all._ And all I got were cryptic responses. Wear a comfortable dress, he said, but he wouldn't even give me a clue about where we were going. Hmmmm... what could it be? He also banished me from my own bedroom while he got dressed. _Hmmpf... spoil sport._

I got ready in the bathroom fairly quickly. I was wearing my cute little black dress (**LBD**), which was comfortable and sexy _(I hoped)_, tapping my foot on the living room floor, by the time Finn finally opened my bedroom door.

_**Warning: sappy gabbling about hot boyfriend to follow... wait for it... Now**_**:** There stood the most handsome man in the world in black pants that fit to a T complimented by a collared black shirt, stretching just-so across his broad chest and …..Adidas trainers. _At least they were mostly black._ I seriously was going to have to look into having my jaw wired shut, the way it had been dropping open at random times lately.

"Finn you look...**so** amazingly handsome. Kurt really has outdone himself. Of course, he had good raw materials to work with."

He blushed. I _loved_ it when he blushed. It highlighted his freckles.

He walked over and took my hand, "You look really beautiful, but then you always do. Are you ready? I think it's dark enough." As he was glancing outside the apartment window, I noticed the large flashlight Santana and I kept for emergencies in his other hand.

"Let's go," I said, my mind was just fizzing with excited ideas. _Why did he have a flashlight?_ He was dressed up, but not too much. Then he grabbed a small cooler near the front door that I hadn't seen before. A clue! _A cooler?_ Sporting event- _nah, we were too dressed up for that_. A picnic in Central Park. _Possible_. When we left the apartment, we didn't take the customary staircase down to the street like we would normally. We went up the stairs instead. _**Ah-ha! **_I, Rachel Berry, at the risk of sounding immodest, had brilliant skills of deduction. _The rooftop-_ We were going to the roof. **_This was going to be awesome!_**

Finn led me through the same battered metal door that accessed the roof. It was pretty dark up there, even with the city lights, so Finn turned on the flashlight and led me through all the duct work and piping to what I had told him was my favorite corner at the edge of the roof. It was even darker here, and I could hear the hushed rumble of traffic below. A gentle breeze floated around us.

As my eyes adjusted to the very dim light, I couldn't believe what I saw. There was an old quilt of Santana's spread on the floor of the rooftop along with several throw pillows from our apartment. In the center of the spread there was a candle in a glass lantern that I remembered from Kurt's apartment. Finn set the cooler on the quilt. _Oh- a romantic rooftop picnic! _ I slowly took the couple of steps separating Finn and me and reached up and kissed him softly, humbly and murmured quietly, "Thank you so much, Finn. This is the best surprise."

"Rach, before we light the candles, I'd like to show you one of your gifts while it's still dark. Have a seat on the blanket," I noticed he was shining the flashlight at a low white-washed wall nearby, at the edge of the rooftop. "There- that ought to charge it enough." _Charge what? _ I looked at the blank white wall in question.

He sat next to me on quilt, facing the wall, and flicked off the flashlight. Darkness fell around us, _except for straight ahead on the wall_! Now there were letters glowing on it's seemingly plain surface:

**For Rachel Berry, Star of my heart. **

**I love you always.**

**Finn Hudson**

Around the letters there were dozens of stars drawn in the same glow-in-the-dark paint.

"You said you couldn't always see the stars up here, especially the Finn Star I gave you... so I wanted to give you stars that you could see any time you wanted- at night anyway. When you come up here to look for me, like you said, at least this part of me will be here. If I could, _**I would give you the stars, Rachel Berry**_." He whispered the last before he kissed me tenderly.

* * *

_Note: My limited experience with glow-in-the-dark paint showed that it needs to be exposed to the sun or a light source to start glowing. My apologies, if this is incorrect._

_Thanks so much for reading! Hope you liked it. Reviews brighten my day._


	11. I Will Shout from the Rooftops

_Little warning: I thought Finn deserved a reward for his thoughtfulness and hard work... wink... wink._

* * *

**I Will Shout from the Rooftops**

_Last Chapter..._

_Finn sat next to me on our picnic quilt, facing the low, white wall at the back corner of the rooftop. He flicked off the flashlight and darkness fell around us, except for straight ahead on the wall! Now there were letters glowing on what had been a plain, white surface moments before:_

_**For Rachel Berry, Star of my heart- **_

_**I love you always,**_

_**Finn Hudson**_

_Around the letters there were dozens of stars drawn in the same glow-in-the-dark paint._

"_You said you couldn't always see the stars up here, especially the Finn Star I gave you... so I wanted to give you stars that you could see any time you wanted- at night anyway. When you come up here to look for me, like you said, at least this part of me will be here. If I could, **I ****would ****give ****you ****the ****stars, ****Rachel ****Berry**." He whispered the last before he kissed me tenderly._

* * *

_A little later on the rooftop..._

Finn had defaced (sort of) public property for me! _The __love __I __felt __for __this __man._ "Finn I love it! How did you do all this?"

"Well..." he smiled a crooked, little smile, looking at me from under his jet brows, "I had a little help. Even from Santana! You know, you are so right about her- definitely a good egg, and turns out a closet romantic. I had the paint idea already, but Kurt helped me make it so much better. I totally get your gay best friend thing now."

Finn leaned over and picked up the cooler nearby and began digging through it, "I have veggie sushi, that Kurt said is your favorite," Finn set the plastic tray between us. "I think I even have chopsticks in here somewhere. And strawberries covered with dark chocolate, so they're supposed to be vegan. Oh, and remember that flight attendant whose son was in the Navy? I told her I was coming to visit my fiance, if you were still even my fiance, because honestly, I thought you might chuck my ring back at me as soon as you set eyes on me..."

"Hmmm... sounds like something I'd do. Should have thought of that... " I replied teasingly.

He looked at me pensively for several seconds, "It's what I deserved, but how grateful I am you didn't! Anyway, Betsy, that was her name, insisted on giving me these," he held out two small bottles of champagne, like they have on airplanes, "She said the champagne might help my case. Who was I to tell her that I technically shouldn't have them? Oh, and best of all, she also gave me these..." with a proud flourish he pulled out a small stack of clear plastic cups, "Airplane cups like the ones you used for our first date on the stage at McKinley! I wrapped them in a clean shirt in my duffle, so they wouldn't get cracked. Now, where did I put the matches to light the candles?" He patted his pants pocket.

My gaze moved from Finn's love token, glowing on the wall in the darkness, to the wonderfully thoughtful picnic of my favorite things, and then it settled on the man himself, currently searching his pockets for matches. "Oh, Finn, this is just so …" I started crying. _Where __was __my __inner __voice __when __I __really __needed __her __to __tell __me __to __stop __my __blubbering?_ Why was I crying- spoiling such a romantic gesture?

Finn cast me a worried look, as I struggled valiantly to stop my dramatics. "Hey..." he reached out a hand to my cheek, his thumb stroking my cheekbone to brush away a tear. "Kurt was afraid of this. He said you would love it, but it might make you sad."

_Deep __breaths, __Rachel __Berry._ "How can I be sad, when I have the best fiance in the world? Finn, I do love it, but it reminds me that you will be leaving day after tomorrow. I will be on this rooftop without you, looking at this," gesturing at the wall, "Day after tomorrow."

"Don't you see? That's why I did it. You will never really be 'without me,' if I have anything to say about it. Yes, we may not be in the same city or state even, but I can only hope that someday we **will** be together. Here in New York or wherever, married with kids, arguing about which big part you should accept next. I don't have a crystal ball, but I would not love you so much to have this not happen someday."

This was a lot for Finn to say. I sat there on Santana's old quilt, my gaze alternating between Finn's strikingly earnest face and the wall with his love scrawled on it, flummoxed, frankly. Finn had a way of cutting through all the things that weren't really important, to what really **was** important.

"Then why am I even worrying about the day after tomorrow, when you are here with me now?" I finally replied, while squaring my shoulders, "Isn't this supposed to be our RRPT?_ Let's do this!_"

Finn smiled at my determined Rachel face, "RRPT?"

"**R**omantic **R**ooftop** P**icnic for** T**wo, silly. Where I do this..." I basically launched myself at him, throwing all my weight into it. I managed to knock him almost flat on his back on the quilt. I am a very determined woman when I want to be, which is most of the time. I pressed my advantage, as I basically pinned him on his back, my hands on either side of his chest. I could just make out the liquid glint of his eyes looking up at me, my hair falling in a shadowy curtain around us. I leaned over to trail my lips over his jaw to the side of his neck and up to his ear, while my fingers strayed under the collar of his shirt.

"R-rach-el..." his breathing changed, sped up, "God, that feels so good..."

"That's what I was aiming for, Mr. Hudson," my husky reply, "I just can't seem to get enough of you. I don't know what is wrong with me. It's like I need my Finn-fix right away, and I just can't wait. I mean, here we are on the roof. Anyone could see. At least it's dark."

"Not..." he paused, on a little moan from deep in his throat, while my teeth gently nibbled at his earlobe, "..._that_ dark, sure...ly."

I didn't even look up from my task of nuzzling his neck, "Dark enough, _surely.__" _I moved my hips against his suggestively, feeling him firm against me, "And I have a little secret, Finn. You said to wear a comfortable dress, but you said nothing about underwear." I grasped his hand and moved it up my thigh, so he could feel for himself.

At that, a strangled groan came from the shadows below me. I shushed him by moving my lips to cover his, and then as his fingers moved over _me_, he had to shush me in turn.

All was relatively quiet save the distant murmur of traffic and the breeze rustling through the buildings. If there _**had**_ been anyone else on the rooftop, and they stopped to listen, they might have heard the occasional whisper of movement or a shuddering gasp as two shadows seemed to move as one in the darkness.

Afterward, as I lay panting on his chest, our clothes in disarray, I hugged him tightly, pressing my cheek to his rapidly rising and falling chest, "Oh, I wish..." I shook my head and giggled lightly.

"You wish what, babe?" he murmured, as he stroked my hair.

Raising my head to put my chin to his chest, so our faces were very close, "That I could shout! It's so silly."

"What would you shout?" he asked, playing with a tendril of my hair.

I arched my back and raised my torso from his, "**I...**" began in a faltering, loud voice, "It's not so easy..." I cleared my throat and tried again, as loud as I could yell, "**HELLO, NEW YORK? I AM RACHEL BERRY, AND I LOVE FINN HUDSON! HE'S GOING TO MARRY ME...**"

My voice echoed around in the empty spaces among the surrounding buildings. Finn's eyes were huge as he looked up at me.

After a beat or two of silence, somewhere a disembodied voice replied in a strong Cockney accent, like from _Oliver Twist_, "Well, good on ya', Rachel Berry. **Now shut it**, so's some o' us can get a bit o' sleep!" This was punctuated by a sharp crack of a window slamming.

Finn and I rolled with laughter, crushing whatever sushi had survived into the quilt.

* * *

_Ah, maybe they salvaged some of the sushi. Hope you enjoyed the rooftop picnic, because, as Bette Davis would say, "Fasten your seat belts. It's going to a bumpy night." Or maybe in this case, next day._

_Thanks so much for reading! Comments always welcome._


	12. I Saw You

_**Thanks so, so much for all the wonderful reviews, alerts, and favorites! I'm so glad you all are enjoying this story.**_

_As always, I own nothing but the mistakes I make. Please forgive me those..._

_Last Chapter Recap: Romantic and errr... heated rooftop picnic at night, where a good time was had by all- by all, I mean Finn and Rachel but not by the crushed sushi._

* * *

**I Saw You**

_Early -ish the next morning..._

_Conflicted_, that's what I was- lying in my bed with my dazzlingly sexy _(What? __It __was __the __truth!)_ fiance dozing next to me, all snuggly and warm. _Eww...I __was __turning __into __such __a __cliché._ I grinned. Back to the topic at hand: I was conflicted because I had a 9 o'clock class,"Techniques in Jazz Dance," but I _**so**_ wanted to stay in bed with my gorgeous hunk of man. _I __was __doing __it __again... Repeat to self: I will not objectify Finn. I will not objectify Finn. _My internal voice never seemed to sleep when I wanted her to.

It was 7:20 already, I had to get up if I was going to make it by 9. Why couldn't I just stage a bed-in like John Lennon and Yoko Ono? But instead of world peace, I wanted a total ban on classes that started before 11 am when one's fiance was in town. Well, maybe noon. _Now, __I __really __was __being __frivolous._ It was a good thing I had such a strong sense of responsibility to my craft. This thought wasn't very comforting as I hauled my fanny out of bed, after planting a feathery kiss on Finn's bare shoulder.

Casting one more longing look down at my_ hot_.._.correction_... the _**love of my life**_, I threw on my ice cream cone patterned bathrobe and limped to the kitchen for some tea and muesli. Santana was up and staring grumpily at her coffee. She was not a morning person- big surprise. I, however, usually was, but _not_ today.

"Morning," I yawned as popped a tea bag into a mug of water and put it in the microwave.

"Berry, why is there sushi all over my old bedspread?" Santana gestured to her bedspread folded over the couch with grains of rice sticking to it. "Tsk... never mind, I don't want to know," she grimaced in a way that only Santana could grimace.

"Sorry about that, I'll wash it as soon as possible. I can loan you one of mine in the mean time..."

"Nah, just wash it when you do your laundry next. Actually, I told the hairless-yeti that I would probably burn it when you guys finished using it for 'your picnic on the roof'" she used her fingers to make quotation symbols in the air to punctuate her innuendo. I would have been offended, if what she had been implying weren't true. I was blushing furiously, as I recalled in brilliant detail our romantic picnic with champagne, squashed sushi, and yummy chocolate strawberries, which Finn and I had taken turns feeding to each other. All this was mixed in with mind-blowing sex, of course. I could feel the blood rushing to my face.

I was saved from having to make a response by the opening of my bedroom door. A very sleepy Finn wandered over to kiss me on the top of my head with a slurred, "Morning, babe."

"Too early for this shit!" Santana exclaimed, but without any real anger. She picked up her coffee and walked into her room.

"Santana..." Finn began, as if to make peace.

"Finn, I wouldn't try to talk to her too much before her first cup of coffee. She's a little grumpy in the mornings," I warned.

"I thought she was _always_ grumpy," Finn grumbled, walking over to the coffee pot, he held it up to study it closely. _Probably debating if it was safe to drink, since Santana made it._ Shrugging, he poured a cup, "I'll make her some more, if she wants it."

"Wise move," I replied as I took out cereal bowls, "Cereal? Sorry I can't stay to help you make a better breakfast, but you know I have my dance class this morning."

"Cereal would be great," he walked to the fridge and got out both the soy and 1% milks, setting them next to the bowls.

While we were eating our cereal, I asked, "So what are you up to today? I should be done with classes by 3 or a little earlier. Maybe we could meet for lunch? I could print a map of campus for you."

"Yeah, that'd be awesome. Kurt said something about getting together to hang out this afternoon, so I'm sure I'll manage not to miss you_ too_ much," he smiled down at me.

"Wish I didn't have class... It was really hard to get up this morning and leave you all cozy in bed. Speaking of which, I better get moving, or I'm going to be really late," I said, carrying my cereal bowl to the sink.

"Can't have that. I'll clean up..." He playfully shooed me out of the kitchen.

Smiling gratefully, I blew him a kiss and rushed to get ready.

Less than an hour later, I gathered my bag and water bottle at the front door and paused to give Finn a very thorough kiss goodbye, so thorough, in fact, that my water bottle fell from my hand and hit the rug with a dull thud, rolling away. _How was a girl supposed to leave this? _ With I sigh I rubbed my thumb over his bottom lip, and murmured, "Bye. See you at the Student Commons around 12:15."

"'Kay. Have a good morning," crooked grin in place as he shut the door for me.

* * *

On the sidewalk a few steps from the entrance of my building, an arm draped casually around my shoulders. I glanced around in mild surprise to see Adam Salzman, one of the first people I'd met at NYADA this summer. Adam and I were in the 9 o'clock dance class together. He was adorable. He had this whole youngish Adrian Grenier thing going, and he was a terrible flirt. I never took him too seriously, though, as he knew all about the ring on my finger and Finn.

"Good morning, gorgeous!" he exclaimed planting a loud kiss on my cheek.

"Hey, Adam," I laughed, batting him away playfully, "So are we ready for this?"

Adam rolled his eyes, "If you mean Madame Tolska's chamber of horrors- Hardly. But with you by my side to catch me if I swoon from too many jazz pirouettes, we'll get by. To quote the famous Rachel Berry 'Let's do this!'"

_Adam was such a nut!_ _How well he knew me already_, I thought, as I briefly returned his friendly one-armed hug.

"Techniques in Jazz Dance" crawled by in an hour and 20 minute block of pure torture, as Madame Tolska put us through our paces. After countless high kicks and foot slides accompanied by jazz hands, we were finally free to leave. Adam walked with me to the Student Commons, as he usually did on Mondays.

I guess I didn't mind, really, but I had been hoping for some semi-alone time with Finn, who I hoped would find me by using the map I'd printed for him that morning. I immediately felt guilty at such a selfish thought, so I put a friendly smile on my face and said, "Adam, you'll finally get a chance to meet Finn. He's meeting me here for lunch."

Adam's normally pleasant expression flickered into a half frown, "Oh, I forgot soldier boy was in town. You know, Rachel, if you ever get tired of the long distance thing, just let me know..." at this he stepped close and laid a hand at the side of my neck. _Erhmm... very uncomfortable moment_, which got much worse as Adam leaned in to place a light kiss at the corner of my mouth. _Uh-oh._ Alarm bells were clanging in my head, but I couldn't seem to move. I just stood there frozen. Adam took my lack of a response as encouragement, so his mouth trailed over to press a fuller kiss on my lips, which were parted in utter shock.

_O-O-KAY!_ I was internally cringing, as I tried to gently back away from Adam. _I felt awful_. _Yes_, we flirted a little sometimes, but I had told Adam about Finn. Adam was so funny and so rarely serious. He flirted with everyone, didn't he?- He even _tried_ with Madame Tolska. Besides, I thought he knew there was only one man in my life that I wanted kissing me like that, and it wasn't Adam.

"Oh, Adam..." I looked at him sadly, "I'm so sorry... I thought you understood. You are such a good friend, but not... Please..." _What could I say?_

"Hey, forget it, Rachel," Adam's smile did not come close to reaching his eyes, "You're always saying I'm incorrigible. I was just messing with you. Listen, I've got to run, but tell lover boy 'hi' from me, will ya'" At this Adam reached out and squeezed my hand before pivoting to stride away with his characteristic, I've-got-the-world-on-a-string, swagger.

I stared after him for a long time, absently biting my lip. This was terrible! How could I have misled Adam like that? Well, I would set up a lunch with him soon, so we could talk it out. He was too good a friend to give up without at least trying to get past this.

I was so distracted about hurting my friend, that I didn't even really notice right away that it was well past 12:15, the time Finn and I agreed to meet. Hmmm... he was late sometimes, or maybe he'd gotten lost. I pulled out my phone to text him. When my text, and then a phone call, went unanswered, I was worried, but resignedly got in line to grab a salad before my voice lesson at 1:30. My day had gone from its delightful beginning of waking up in Finn's arms to **_this_**.

When I got to my voice professor's office, there was a note for me taped on her door:

_Rachel,_

_Maddie and Chaz both have the chicken pox! Sorry to cancel on such short notice, but the au pair just called. Work on what we talked about last time. See you next week, hopefully._

_Lydia_

Poor Lydia! Both her 4 year-old and 18 month-old with the chicken pox simultaneously. _Yeck! And I thought I had a right to be gloomy about my day._ Well, at least this meant that the rest of my day was free to spend with Finn...and Kurt if they'd ended up hanging out.

After another unanswered text and call to Finn, I decided there was nothing for it, but to go back to my apartment and hope he was there. Maybe he'd accidentally muted his phone or something.

By the time I was climbing my apartment steps, all 8 long flights, I'd decided I'd call Kurt, if Finn wasn't at my apartment. As I let myself in, I was met by an annoyed Santana.

"Berry! There you are. I've called you twice. Where the hell have you been? I swear, you have more drama in your life than that Spanish soap opera mi abuela used to make me watch with her."

I looked rather dumbly at the phone in my hand showing three missed calls and then back at Santana.

With an exasperated sigh, Santana walked over to me and handed me a crumpled piece of paper. "About an hour ago, Finn pounded on the apartment door looking ready to punch someone. I think he may have even been...ugh... _crying_. He came in and kicked the couch- hard! Tell him, if he breaks it he buys it... Then he stomped around the apartment for about 10 minutes gathering his stuff. He didn't say much before he stormed out, just told me to give you this."

I recognized Finn's scrawl as soon as I opened the note:

_Rachel,_

_I **saw** you this morning outside your building, and again in the student place, where I was supposed to meet you, with some guy. **Kissing** some guy. How could you not tell me there was someone else? I think it's best if I remove myself from your life now._

_Finn_

* * *

_Yes, Finn over-reacted, but shall we hear his point of view next? I'd love to hear from you!_


	13. I Belong to You

_I own nothing except my own mistakes, especially those in Spanish. Perdoname!_

_Song inspiration for this particular chapter: "I Belong to You" by Muse_

_Chapter 12 Recap: Adam kissed Rachel, and Finn saw it and was very hurt. Finn left Rachel's apartment with all his stuff, leaving her a note that said he was leaving her life. And that's what you missed on IFKWMHI..._

* * *

**I Belong to You**

_Oh, God!_ He'd seen me with Adam, apparently this morning before class and also when Adam kissed me in the Student Commons._ But wait!_ I had nothing to hide- it was all a big mistake- a... a... misunderstanding. A huge seemingly random web of events that were woven together to cause Finn and me grief and heartache. My mind was racing faster than the angry tears were streaming down my face. I must have looked really bad, because Santana actually put her arm around my shoulders and led me to the sofa to sit down.

I just couldn't believe that after everything we had said to each other and done together over the years and especially in the last few days, that Finn could think that I would willingly kiss another man, much less deceive him in such an _awful_ way. It hurt. It hurt a lot.

"Does this have something to do with you macking on some guy in front of Finn?" Santana asked. I cast a startled look at her, so she explained, "I _may_ have heard him mumble something about that, while he was having his little hissy fit at the sofa. Berry, have I taught you nothing?"

"It's not..." I tiredly rubbed my forehead, which was starting to pound, "... **SO** not like that. You remember Adam from my dance class. You know how he is. Well, he kissed me today in the Commons, and Finn must have seen. It was a huge misunderstanding and all my fault. I feel awful. But how could Finn think that...that... I'd do _this_?"

"Ay caramba, chica! Somos todos estúpidos con el amor. We are all stupid with love. And Finn never had a lot to work with even when love wasn't involved," Santana mused to herself.

"Santana! I may be upset with Finn, but I won't have you insulting his intelligence!"

"Rachel, don't get me wrong. He has really improved over the years, but this is the man who dumped _**you **_to go out with me in 10th grade. I mean, _come on_. In matters of love he can be such a total newb."

Somewhere in there, I thought she was trying to be really sweet, which sent me over the edge, "Oh, Santana!" I pretty much grabbed her in a hug and sobbed, "What would I do without you? What am I going to do? Finn thinks I'm cheating on him! How dare he!"

"Okay, Rach," she patted my back awkwardly, "Where the hell is Hummel when I need him?"

I stopped my histrionics "That's it! Finn only really knows Kurt and you and me in New York. I need to call Kurt and see if he's heard from Finn." I looked down at the phone still in my hand. "Santana, you called me twice? It says I missed 3 calls. Maybe Finn called..." I hit the voice mail button on the screen and listened to Santana's somewhat frantic messages first. The third message was from Kurt. A-ha! His message did not make me feel any better:

"_Rachel, this is your future brother-in-law and perhaps** former** best friend. You have some major explaining to do. Like why my brother is currently curled up in the fetal position, sobbing on my vintage, Marc Jacobs, **dry-clean only**, matching duvet set? **CALL-ME-BACK-ASAP!**" _

Fetal position and sobbing? Oh, My God! This was a nightmare. When was I going to wake up? I swallowed hard and hit call back on my phone. It barely rang once.

"_It's about time! Rachel, I thought we were over all this drama after the train thing and then the Army thing..."_

"Kurt, is Finn still there? Do you think he'll talk to me? I should just come over. I'm leaving now..."

"_Whoa there, Queen of the Drama," Kurt sighed heavily into the phone, "I have been instructed by the large dolt that is my brother to tell you **not** to come over. And what is this I hear that you were playing kissy-face with some random guy in the middle of the Student Commons right in front of Finn? What were you thinking?"_

Again with the incredulity- first Santana and now Kurt. "Kurt...listen... it was a a giant mistake, that is..."

"_I'll say," Kurt interrupted, "I did not let you ruin half a dozen shirts crying on my shoulder this summer after Finn joined the Army for nothing! And now it looks like I'm out a comforter set as well...just great... do you know how expensive 600 thread count Egyptian cotton is right now?"_

"Kurt! Kurt! Listen!" I interrupted Kurt, interrupting me, "I did not **want** to be kissing Adam. He just sort of... what's that football term Finn uses...blind saddled... no... sided. Adam blindsided me. I was just telling Adam that he would finally get to meet Finn, and then he tried to put his tongue in my mouth."

"_Honestly, Rachel," Kurt responded disgustedly, "What you know about men could pass through the eye of a needle, which is hopefully made of cotton thread, so you can sew me a new comforter set!"_

"Kurt, I promise you I will get your comforter set cleaned or buy you a new one, even if I have to work for years in dinner theater to pay for it. Just put Finn on the phone."

I heard muffled mumbling and then Kurt's voice on the line, sounding tired, "_Rachel, it's no use. I don't think he's in a very rational state of mind right now."_

Now, I was getting really angry! How dare Finn go all judge and jury on me without hearing my side of the story! This was like the Puck thing all over again. Did Finn think we were still in high school? I had matured and grown as a person, and I thought he had, too.

"Oh, yeah! Well, tell Mr. I-Need-My-Space-to-Find-My-Inner-Rock-Star that I don't want to talk to him either right now."

"_Will do." Kurt replied on a sigh._

Then softly, almost a whisper, I asked, "Kurt- is he really sobbing? Is he going to be okay?"

_Kurt replied just as softly, "I may have exaggerated a little- you know how I am under stress, but he is extremely upset. And as for the second question, I have no idea."_

I ended the call with Kurt only after I made him promise not to let Finn leave Kurt's apartment. I didn't want a distraught Finn wandering around New York on his own.

Well, now what? Finn was leaving tomorrow morning, for who knew how long, and he wasn't even speaking to me. "Santana, if you'll excuse me, I think I just need a little time."

I made it to my room before I completely lost it. Why was this so hard? Kurt and Santana were right, why did Finn and I seem doomed to the drama? By this time it was around 3 o'clock in the afternoon, and I did something I haven't done in a long time... I cried myself to sleep over Finn Hudson. Even during the "train thing" and the "Army thing," I hadn't cried so much that I fell asleep. This was a whole new "thing." Maybe Finn and I just couldn't manage to be together because of our huge personality differences "thing." I'd always thought that we belonged to each other, but maybe I was just plain wrong. It didn't completely make sense to my foggy brain, but that's what I fell asleep thinking.

Next thing I knew, there was a loud banging. I thought it was my head pounding, as I squinted into the fading late afternoon light.

Then I heard Santana's strident voice outside my door, "Rachel Berry, get your boney ass out here and deal with your shit-face drunk boyfriend, now!"

I opened my bedroom door to quite a scene. There was a very beleaguered looking Kurt holding up an extremely wobbly Finn. It would have been comical at another time because of their height and weight differences. It was like watching Pinocchio prop up a giant Paul Bunyan.

"Get that smirk off of your face, Rachel Barbra Berry," Kurt demanded dramatically, "Finn got hold of the Remy Martin cognac my roommate bought when he was on his Oscar Wilde kick. Finn only had one snifter. For such a big fella, he sure is a light-weight with the booze."

"That's because, as you know, he almost never drinks much," I replied pertly, my gaze on Finn as if he were some strange dragon that had materialized in my apartment. He looked terrible. The little hair he had left after his GI haircut was flattened in places and sticking straight up in others. His eyes were red-rimmed from crying or drunkenness or both, and his skin had an odd green tinge under his new tan.

"Ra-shh," Finn slurred, leaning toward me, "You're my little bird. I'm not going to squashhhh... you in my hands. I'm going to open them up and let you fly free." He flung his hands wide at the last, making Kurt stagger to hold him up. His reference to my long ago speech to him about letting him be free to play football and be popular, was very touching. Though his 80 proof breath could have knocked me over at a couple of paces.

Santana exchanged looks with Kurt, "To hell with this...Kurt, feel like some coffee? I have to be at work at 5." Kurt gave a silent nod of agreement, while he pushed Finn none too gently onto the sofa, and this was settled between them, "Good. Let's go."

"Berry, a few words of advice... As if anyone else would actually put up with either of the two of you, except for ... well... the two of you. You're both annoying as hell, but you have each other- be grateful. Go have drunk make-up sex and get over it," Santana grabbed her purse and Kurt's hand, "And **DON'T** let the drunken giant sequoia puke all over our apartment!" With that parting shot, Santana shut the front door with a determined bang.

I moved to sit primly in a small chair across from Finn, who was still slouching on the sofa. We sat in silence for at least 10 minutes. I thought Finn might have fallen asleep or, more likely, passed out. What did one do for a drunk person? Maybe I should Google it.

Suddenly, Finn's eyes opened. The whites were an alarming pink color. "Ra-shh," he looked around for me.

"Yes, Finn." I drew his gaze to me.

"Ra-shh, I lied. I-I can't set you free. Be-cause of what you said to me that night when we made love in the rain. I am yours, and you are mine. Ras-shel, I belong to you, and you belong to **me**. Not-not to some guy you kissed that wasn't me. We belong to each other."

* * *

_What should Rachel say to that?_

_Note: I do not condone drinking to excess. I hope this did not offend anyone. Thanks so much for reading! Reviews light up my day. _


	14. I Feel Like Making Love

_Chapter 13 Recap:_

_Rachel tracks down (by phone) a distraught Finn at Kurt's apartment. Finn has a little too much cognac and returns to Rachel's apartment in quite a state. Santana and Kurt make themselves scarce._

* * *

**I Feel Like Making Love**

Well, leave it to Finn to take all the thunder out of my angry storm clouds of wrath. The guy slouching forlornly on the couch with his brows contracted as if he were in pain, I just could _not_ bring myself to give him the tongue lashing about trust and respect, not to mention irresponsible drinking, that I knew he deserved. At least not right now. He seemed to be sobering up quickly into his misery.

I got him a big glass of water and some aspirin, because isn't that what you did for people who had too much to drink? I tried to remember what Noah Puckerman had told us about hangovers after my disastrous alcohol party my junior year at McKinley. Water, aspirin, shower, stay awake through the hangover, and …sex. Hmmmm... Sex seemed like an unlikely antidote to me. Finn did not look up for it, not by a long shot. Well, about the rest, keep him awake, that I could do. The shower- could probably accomplish that.

I moved to sit next to him on the couch, "Finn," I touched his upper arm, "Do you think you could manage to get in the bathroom for a shower? I really think that would help."

He didn't respond right away. His eyes closed, chin tucked almost to his chest, he finally nodded painfully. He weaved a little when he stood up, but he stayed on his feet. I put my arm around his waist. I had thought Kurt propping up Finn earlier had been comical to watch! I'm sure, 6'3" Finn hobbling along next to 5'2" me was beyond ridiculous. If Finn had fallen, he would have flattened me.

On the slow journey to the bathroom, I noticed that his duffel bag was resting on the floor outside my bedroom. Well, at least he'd have clothes to change into. My admiration for Kurt increased thinking of him managing an inebriated Finn and his duffel all the way across Manhattan. They must have taken a cab.

When we finally reached the bathroom, Finn just stood there shoulders slouched, eyes closed. He was acting like a petulant 2-year-old with the flu, and it was pitiful.

"Okay, need a little help, I see," trying to sound more cheerful than I felt. First order of business would be for him to brush his teeth before I got a contact buzz from his breath. I went and dug through his bag for his toothbrush, put paste on it, and placed it in his hand, "Finn, here- brush your teeth. It'll make you feel better. Unless you think it will make you sick..." That thought just occurred to me. _Yuck._

"Puked out the cab window on the way over," he replied on a sigh. _S__ure __hope __Kurt __tipped __that __cabbie __**really **__well!_ At least that probably got rid of some of the alcohol in Finn's system.

After Finn halfheartedly brushed his teeth, he again stood with eyes closed in a slump in the center of the bathroom. I shrugged. Well, I had undressed Finn before. I started with his shirt, and moved on to his pants. When he was down to his boxers, I leaned over to turn on the shower and feel the water with my hand.

"Rach," came sheepish mumble, "The room is like- spinning a little. Can you um- stay with me? In case I need help."

I could tell he really didn't like asking me that. "Sure, Finn." I was in an old pair of yoga pants and a t-shirt, that I'd thrown on in between crying jags earlier, so nothing a little water would hurt.

Well, now for the normally fun part, I hooked my fingers under the waist of his boxers and pulled downward. Trying to be professional-_just __call __me __Nurse __Rachel_—I had them around his knees when he groaned.

"Rach, I'm so sorry you have to do this. Sorry for everything. You must be so pissed at me."

"It hasn't been a very good day for either of us, Finn. We'll talk more about it after your shower, but I just want you to know one important thing- Adam, the guy you saw, was a big misunderstanding. I hope you know that on some level."

Looking up at him from where I was crouched on the floor, I saw him nod slowly.

"I can't explain it. Everything in me wanted to run across to where he was kissing you and throw that assh- jerk out the window. I just wasn't thinking clearly at all after that. It was like Puck all over again, but _**so**_ much worse. I felt like if I looked down, my still-beating heart would be in a bloody pool on the floor in front of me _(Ewww...)_ , and I'd have a gaping hole in my chest," Finn didn't even realize he laid his palm on his bare chest protectively. "So much worse than with Quinn or even with you and Puck."

"I think we both have a lot more to lose this time around, Finn. We need to talk about that, but now it's time for a shower."

I helped him step into the warm spray, and he rotated his shoulders, groaning.

"Water temperature alright? How does that feel?" I asked, knowing_ I_ felt better already. Finn was on his way back to me.

After a pause he replied, "Lonely." He finally opened his eyes and really looked at me from under furrowed brows, and I understood everything he couldn't say. Well, maybe not everything but a lot.

Without even really thinking about it, I stepped, fully clothed, into the shower with him and wrapped my arms around his waist. He let out a sort of chuckling sob; his arms went around me and held me tightly. We stood that way for several minutes. It felt so good to be in his arms again after our estrangement and the awful day I—**we** – had both had.

Finally, I peeled off my yoga pants and t-shirt, which were soggy and weighted down with water. Looking up at him, I smiled, "I might as well get clean, too."

I took my washcloth from the rack and soaped it up with my soap. I washed him, like I would a 2-year-old. His hair was easy to wash with the super-short haircut. When I finished, he reached out a hand and pulled me up against his chest. His eyes were heavy lidded, "Thanks, Rach. I really appreciate you taking care of me, especially when I don't deserve it."

I scoffed at this, and I couldn't help myself- I planted a gentle kiss just in the center of his chest.

"Hey, babe, I'm feeling so much better. You're a regular Florence Nightingale." I could _feel_ that he was feeling better.

_Hmmmm... __Maybe __Puck's __advice __wasn't __so __far __off __the __mark __after__all._ He startled me from my thoughts by saying, "C'mere... you need to get clean, too."

He took the cloth from my hand and soaped it again. Gently he brushed it over my shoulders and back and all the other places he could...uh... reach, while I started shampooing my hair. He took over scrubbing my hair while I finished with the cloth. His big, strong fingers felt so good on my scalp. I'd have to remember to have him wash my hair more often, because it was a feast for the senses. I think I actually moaned aloud. I rinsed and let him put in the conditioner, leaning with my back to his chest, his arms draped around me. _Oh, this was... how could I say I'd had a bad day after **this**?_

Finally, we were both squeaky clean, except for the thoughts in our heads. The whole shower had been kind of innocent by our standards, but yet with a new level of intimacy- caring for each others' needs.

As we toweled each other off, I smirked saucily up at Finn, "It seems a shame to put on clothes after this."

"I completely agree, babe. Minimum clothes, it is," and his trade-mark half grin was back!

"Hey, how is your stomach- feeling up for some food? I was thinking of the Chinese delivery place around the corner for dinner?"

"You read my mind, Rach, I'm actually pretty hungry," he put his hand on his flat _(sigh)_ washboard abs, "Just nothing too spicy tonight, I guess."

I threw on a clean satin robe and brushed out my wet hair. Finn looked over the take-out menu while standing in the kitchen in _yumm... _lounge pants and _only_ lounge pants. _Rachel __Berry, __get __a __grip __on __yourself! I must not be very angry at him anymore._

Dinner was a little quiet. We sat on throw pillows on the floor with our food on the coffee table in front of us. We talked about random things, but there was a sense of melancholy in the room. Both of us preoccupied, aware Finn would be leaving in less than 16 hours. Every moment seemed precious and ticking away so quickly.

After the fortune cookies, I took a deep breath: "Finn, I feel I need to explain in more detail what happened today. It was my fault in a way..."I began haltingly. He turned to face me, a frown of concentration on his face. "Adam is one of the first people I met at NYADA when I got here. He's in the 9 am dance class I had today. He is really friendly and funny and an awful flirt," Finn seemed to shift in his seat uncomfortably, a look of what was probably jealously crossed his features. I hurried on, "I never took him seriously- his flirting, I mean. He knows about you and our engagement. I had no idea until today that he had romantic feelings for me. I was shocked when he kissed me. I think he understands now that I don't care for him in that way, but I still feel really bad about it on so many levels."

"Rachel, I think I understand now. I know I over-reacted, but I saw you with your arms around each other walking away from your building this morning. I had run out to give you the water bottle you dropped when you kissed me goodbye. I guess you didn't hear me call you because you were talking to him. I'll admit I was really jealous even then, but I planned to talk to you about it. Then when I got to the Student Commons, I saw his hands on you, and he kissed you. From where I was standing it didn't seem like you minded..."Finn's face was pained at this. I felt I had to interrupt.

"Oh, Finn, I 'minded' more than you can possibly imagine! I was shocked and squirming inside, I backed away as soon as I recovered. Adam knew then that he had overstepped. He took my friendly behavior towards him much more seriously than I ever intended. I plan to talk to him about it and explain that we can be friends, and that is absolutely all. "

Finn's expression turned stormy, "I wish you wouldn't see him at all, but I know I have no right to ask that. And that's what is really driving me crazy, Rachel. You're so talented and smart... beautiful... sexy, and so many other words like that. Tomorrow, I have to get on a plane and leave you here with guys like him hanging around you. For not the first time, it makes me really doubt my decision about joining the army." His face was so pained, it made my heart ache.

"But Finn, you forget one important thing. I don't _love_ them. I don't want to _marry_ them. I don't want to spend my life with them. I feel all those things and so much more for you. _Only __you._ I will feel this way until I die."

He raised his hand to my cheek and brushed his fingers down to my neck, "I know you feel those things, Rach, but what if you change your mind or meet somebody," I started shaking my head vehemently at this, but he continued, "It's the same argument it's always been... do I have the right to hold you to your promise to marry me when we will be apart so much of the time? Oh, how I want to... I...I want to so much hurts." A single tear tracked down his cheek at this.

"Do **you** think you will change your mind or meet someone else?" I asked in a shaky voice.

"No. For me, there will only ever be you," his immediate, adamant response.

"Then why can't you believe that I feel the same? Don't you trust me as much as you trust yourself?" This was an unfair question, I knew, but I was desperate to make my point.

"Rachel, I trust you with my life, I just don't want you to regret your choice in me."

"Never! I will never regret it," I replied passionately.

"You have to promise me that you'll tell me right away if..."at this he swallowed and looked a little sick "...if you ever change your mind."

I sighed heavily. How could I convince him that he was all I needed, all I wanted? Then I remembered I had a surprise of my own for Finn, not nearly as special as our rooftop picnic, but I hoped it would show him how I felt.

"Finn, come with me," taking him by the hand, I lead him into my room, "I need your phone and your iPod for a minute."

Looking confused, he retrieved them and handed them to me. I connected each one in turn to my laptop and downloaded the necessary files to them. I plugged his iPod into the speaker dock on my bedside table. We sat side by side on my bed.

"One of the perks of going to a performing arts school- lots of recording equipment. I recorded this for you yesterday while you were out with Kurt. It's a little unpolished, because I did it on short notice without much practice. I hope you like it... I know you like classic rock, and I thought the lyrics were really appropriate." I pushed the play button, and my recorded voice filled the room:

_This is for you Finn Hudson, love of my life. Play this when you miss me, and know that I miss you, too. I love you, Finn, always._

_(Feel Like Making Love by Bad Company)_

_Baby, when I think about you  
I think about love  
Darling, don't live without you  
And your love  
If I had  
Those golden dreams  
Of my yesterday  
I would wrap you  
In the heavens  
As they lay dying  
On the way_

_Feel like making - - - -  
Feel like making love  
Feel like making love to you_

_Baby, if I think about you  
I think about love  
Darling, if I live without you  
I live without love  
And if I had  
The sun and moon  
And they were shining  
I would give you  
Both night and day  
Love satisfying  
_

_Feel like making - - - -  
Feel like making love  
Feel like making love to you_

_And if I had  
Those golden dreams  
Of my yesterdays  
I would wrap you  
In the heavens  
As they lay dying  
On the way_

_Feel like making - - - -  
Feel like making love  
Feel like making love to you_

There were tears running down Finn's face when the song finished. He didn't say a word, as he moved to capture my mouth in a scorchingly passionate kiss. I knew he was trying to seal the memories of my song and our kiss together in his mind- to remember later, when he was far away from me, missing me.

Briefly coming up for air, Finn leaned over me and set the song on repeat, and then we did exactly what the song suggested- Slowly, thoroughly, and repeatedly, as though we had all the time in the world.

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_Hope you enjoyed - reviews are the stuff of love!_

_Note: The Bad Company version of "Feel Like Making Love" has some excellent drum work in it, that I'm sure Finn would appreciate. _

_**I'm thinking of writing an M-rated companion piece in Finn's voice for this chapter. Thoughts anyone?**_


	15. I'm Not That Brave

_**Notes: My sincere apologies to everyone for the delay in updates! VioletB now has a broken foot, among other things, to deal with. Side note: NEVER wearing flip flops again!**_

_Reminder: AIT stands for Advanced Individual Training, and usually happens after Basic Training in the Army._

_Chapter 14 Recap (in rapid Glee style): Finn saw Rachel kissing a random guy, who was really just a friend and a big misunderstanding. Finn went to Kurt's, who let him get drunk on expensive cognac. Finn showed up at Rachel's apartment a little tipsy and a lot pitiful. They proceeded to shower and have awesome make-up sex after Rachel gave him a recording of a special song she made just for him. (Please read my story, "Still Finn Hudson, Still Clueless" for all the M-rated details.)_

_Thanks so much for hanging in there with me! I own nothing but my own mistakes, which now includes a fracture of the 5th metatarsal._

* * *

**I'm Not That Brave**

After amazing make-up sex and countless replays of my version of "Feel Like Making Love," Finn and I laid in my bed late into the night, limbs entangled, thinking our own thoughts and occasionally sharing them. I looked over at Finn, "Feeling all better now? Any sign of a hangover?"

He had the grace to look shamefaced, "I feel great, Rach. Who knew Puck's sex-cure for a hangover actually worked? Almost makes me want to be hungover more often..." His lips trailed just behind my ear. _No, __I__ was not going to allow __him__ to __distract __me from such an __utterly silly __statement._

"Finn Hudson, if you ever show up that drunk in my presence again, I will personally dress you in drag and leave your drunk... behind on the nearest street corner," I quipped, not entirely kidding.

"Yeah, alcohol and me- not a good idea. Thanks so much for taking care of me, babe. Means a lot."

"In sickness and in drunkenness as they say," I teased, but then more seriously, "Such a huge misunderstanding. We will have those. Just promise me, you'll talk to me next time, I mean, the next time you are upset or angry. That was the worst part, Finn, when you left and went to Kurt's and refused to talk to me or see me."

He nodded and tightened his arms around me. I laid my head against his chest, listening to the steady thrum of his heartbeat for a few minutes until I heard his voice rumble in my ear, "I wasted so much of our time together today. That is what I regret most. We have so little time, Rach. I go to AIT next for at least 6 weeks. I might be at Fort Benning for Infantry Training or who knows where? I'll at least be able to call and text you more then."

I felt a crushing wave of sadness at the thought of Finn being a thousand miles away. I had to be strong for him and for myself, which was incredibly difficult considering all I really wanted to do was cry in his arms and beg him not to go.

"We should get some sleep. It's midnight, and I need to leave for the airport by 8:30,"he sighed.

"I wish you would let me go with you. I could miss my 10 o'clock, History of Theater class. I already read the next chapter we're covering..."

"Rach, I'd love to have you with me, but I won't let you miss your classes just to spend 50 bucks on a cab each way to take me to the airport. I'll take the M60 bus, that Kurt told me about. It's a lot cheaper."

I didn't like it, but I saw the logic in his argument. It had been a big splurge to pick him up at the airport 3 days ago, but I had wanted to see him as soon as possible after his flight arrived. Letting him go was proving to be even harder than I imagined. I hugged him to me tightly, and pressed my face to his chest, immersing myself in his special Finn-smell, where I guess I finally drifted off to sleep

The next morning, 7 am would seem to come unusually early, having something to do with waking sometime in the middle of the night to find Finn nuzzling the sensitive skin at the back of my neck... "Sorry... didn't mean to wake you. Just needed to kiss your skin," his voice hushed, his breath fanning over my nape.

"You can wake me anytime you feel the need for that," I murmured sleepily, in a warm haze with Finn behind me, pressed against my back.

As I snuggled back into him, I felt the tell-tale sign of his need for me and a corresponding thrill shot through me in response. If anything, our appetites for each other had seemed to increase over the last few days. I wasn't a prudish person, by any means, but it shocked me how fervid our desire for each other was. I went from feeling completely sated to absolutely having to have him, almost instantly.

Without saying another word, I turned to face him , wrapping my legs around his hips, as he showered the skin of my face, neck, and chin with hot nipping kisses. Our fingertips explored the contours of each other: the curve of his hip, the underside of my breast, the narrow, enticing trail of dark hair low on his abdomen. Languidly, gently our bodies danced with each other in slow whispering caresses of skin rubbing against skin as we made love, slowly- reaching for the release that came upon us in a beautiful, strange, shuddering crash. We fell asleep still joined, our breathing evening into slow deep rhythms with each other.

So, when my 7 am "(Nothing's Going to) Break my Stride" alarm sounded, it was an annoyingly cheerful reminder that the morning of Finn's departure had arrived. I moaned softly and buried my face between his shoulder and neck, while he gently brushed my hair over my back.

"I so just want to lay here right now, babe," his voice raspy from sleep.

"Me, too," I mumbled as a quiet tear fell down my cheek. _None of that Rachel Berry! No need to make this any harder than it already is._

I forced a tight smile, and raised my head to kiss him, "I love you, Finn. Never forget that."

An intensely sad look reflected in his hazel eyes, "I love you... for forever. Don't forget to take care of my heart for me." Taking a shaky breath, he pressed his palm over my heart.

I reached out and put my palm on his chest over his heart, "I promise, if you promise."

"Always, babe, always... " he said hugging me fiercely to him.

The morning flew by with preparations, and before I knew it, I was standing on the sidewalk at a bus stop near my building. Waiting for his bus to come, neither of us knew what to say as we stood close together, looking at each other.

Finally, after he had shifted from foot to foot a couple of times, Finn said, "I'll call you when I get to Atlanta, okay. I catch a bus from there to Fort Benning, so it'll be late when I get in."

"Please, _call me_. I don't care how late," I tried to keep the quavering out of my voice.

He reached out, putting his warm, now calloused hands on either side of my face and stared into my eyes, "Rach, you're going to have to be really brave here... because I don't think I can leave you... if you're like... really upset." He had tears in his own eyes, but then he gave me a watery smile, "Shouldn't be too hard for you. After all, you are Rachel _Freaking_ Berry- scariest, bravest, most amazing woman I know."

"Don't let Santana hear you say that about scariest," I tried to joke back before I wrapped myself around him.

When the dreaded M60 bus came, he leaned down to me and kissed me really hard on the lips. I twined my fingers around his and held his hand against my chest for just a second, savoring his closeness at the last, more than ever. As he started backing away, his grip on my hand loosened and then his fingers slipped from mine. Stepping on the bus he looked back at me, shooting me one of his heart-melting crooked smiles. _Then he was gone_, and I was standing in the middle of a New York sidewalk with tears streaming down my cheeks.

I struggled to find my usual enthusiasm for my NYADA classes and workshops that day. My Introduction to Method Acting class was brutal. We were tasked with reenacting a particularly happy scene from our lives. I only seemed to be able to remember all my happy scenes with Finn, and they just made me incredibly sad. Somehow, I muddled through it, but I was exhausted by the time I climbed to my apartment late that afternoon. As I was unlocking the 3 locks to let myself in, my phone rang. _That would be Finn calling to tell me he was back in Georgia._ I managed to open the door, startling Santana when it banged open against the wall. I slid the answer bar on my phone before even looking to see who the call was from.

"Hey, Finn, back in Atlanta?" I tried to inject cheerfulness into my voice.

"Rachel, this is Kurt," his voice sounded strange and higher than normal, "I need you to come... to New York Presbyterian Hospital... on West 168th right now. Finn's been shot... it's really bad, Rachel..."

I think Kurt was crying or talking, but I couldn't understand what he was saying. I felt like I was in a long tunnel with gray water swirling all around me. _**Oh, my god- Finn... **_Santana was walking toward me, saying something to me, her face swaying in front of me, then gray faded to black.

* * *

_Okay. I had been toying with this idea for a while, and so when I found myself sitting in the Emergency Room, I decided to take it as a sign from the writing gods to go forward with said idea. I will try to update as soon as my foot allows. No, I don't type with my toes, but I'm finding getting around a little difficult. Thanks for listening to me whine!_

_Hope you enjoyed it (the story, not the whining). Reviews might make my foot heal faster, so please click the blue button!_


	16. I Want to Wake Up

_Notes: What I know about medicine I learned on the internet, from the show **House**, and from some personal experiences as a patient/visitor to hospitals, so please forgive any medical and/or other gaffs._

_Chapter 15 Summary: Rachel put Finn on a bus bound for LaGuardia Airport on his way back to Fort Benning, Georgia and back to the Army. Rachel got a call from Kurt late that same day revealing that Finn had been shot before leaving NYC. Rachel faints upon learning Finn has been shot._

* * *

**I Want to Wake Up**

Everything was winking in and out of focus. I felt a warm arm around my shoulders as I tried to focus my eyes. _Finn?_ I snuggled into the arm instinctively. _No, __Finn's __arms __were __bigger. __Besides, __Finn __would __be __in __Georgia __now._ The smell was all wrong, too, not Finn's soapy, cinnamon-y male smell. It was more like jasmine and musky citrus- Santana. I blinked my eyes up at her concerned expression.

"Rachel?" Santana shifted her attention from me to my phone in her hand. She spoke to the person on the other end of the line, "I think she's coming around, Kurt. What the hell? How could you just say something like that to her on the phone? What if I hadn't been here? I was supposed to work tonight, but I switched shifts with that butch biker chic with the great abs."

_Finn __had __great __abs __thanks __to __all __that __Army __PT._ _Wasn't __there __something __important __about __Finn __I __was __supposed __to __remember?_ "Finn?" I called out looking around my apartment. It felt like my head was encased in glue or something.

"Rachel?" Santana looked at me from where she was seated next to me on our couch. Her expression was very tense, upset even. It reminded me of last year when she had smacked Finn really hard for accidentally outing her at McKinley and the press had gotten hold of it.

"What is it Santana? Brittany is okay, right?" I was really worried now.

"Kurt, I'm going to go. She's still a little confused, but we'll be there as soon as we can. Did they say when he would be out of surgery?"

_Kurt? __Surgery? __What? _ Flashes of memories were coming back: Picking Finn up at LaGuardia Airport, his hair really short. Finn on the roof with strawberries and champagne and a message for me in glow-in-the-dark paint. Making love with Finn in my room with the sound of rain outside and everything in watery shadows inside. Finn, a little drunk, weaving as he stood looking at me with his heart in his eyes. Finn kissing me goodbye at the bus stop on his way back to Fort Benning, Georgia. Finn asking me to be brave for him...** _Oh, __God- __Finn __had __been __shot! _** A piercing wail filled the apartment, and I barely realized that it was me.

"Rachel! You need to listen to me!" Santana said in a loud, firm voice, "You need to pull yourself together. Finn needs you. Kurt needs you, so cut the drama crap!

I focused my teary eyes on Santana. _She __was __right. __I __needed __to __go __to __Finn... __to __them. __I'd __wasted __enough __time __already. _ I tried to take deep breaths, feeling a little calmer, "You're right, Santana. Thank you. Which hospital New York …?"

"Presbyterian," she supplied, "It's the one affiliated with Columbia University. On West 168th, Kurt said. We're to text him when we get there, and he'll meet us."

I nodded numbly, picking up my school bag, that I must have dropped by the door when Kurt first called. It contained my wallet and other things I might need.

When Santana and I were seated in the cab she hailed, I reached over and took her hand, "Thanks for being here and helping me get myself together back there," my mind was reeling, the words _'Finn shot'_ echoing over and over, "What else did Kurt say? I think I missed a lot of it."

I tried to steel myself as a very worried look crossed Santana's face before she spoke, "Not a lot. Apparently, Finn was shot on his way to the airport while on the bus. The details were a little sketchy."

"But he got on the M60 bus hours ago. Why has it taken so long for us to find out, and why Kurt? I know he's his brother, but why am I just finding out now?"

Santana shook her head, "I think they had trouble ID'ing him at first. Kurt said something about a robbery. They took his dog tags off to treat him, and they got misplaced or something."

The thought of Finn lying in a hospital hurt and alone for hours brought on a wave of nausea, but I managed to say, "I saw him with them on this morning. He put them on when he got up. He's not supposed to take his dog tags off, but he did when we were together, so they wouldn't tangle in my hair or scrape me when we..." I swallowed hard at the memory of the steel tags with the black border against Finn's chest, over his heart. _Don't __think __about __all __the __times __you __thought __about __**why **__Finn __had __to __wear __them. _ "I guess they probably called Carole, who then called Kurt. She must be frantic."

"They took them off ...to _treat_ him..." I tried to puzzle out, "So that means he was shot in the...in the _chest_? Oh, my God!" My hand went to my mouth as a low sob escaped me.

Santana actually looked at me with tears in her eyes, "I think so, Rachel. Kurt was really upset, so I had a hard time understanding some of what he said. When Finn came in they thought the bullet missed a lot of his major organs, but there was no exit wound. I don't know much more, just that something went wrong, or they found something, so now he's in surgery."

"What went wrong?" I moved closer to look her in the eyes, "If you know anything else, please...tell me!"

Santana closed her eyes and tears rolled down her cheeks. I could count on one hand the number of times I'd seen the tough Latina cry. _It __was __really __bad __then. _ "He started bleeding a lot internally. They went in to find out where," she finally said.

"Oh! Santana! Why is this happening? I keep thinking I'm going to wake up and Finn will be next to me and hold me when I tell him I had a ...a nightmare. I want to wake up... I just want to... to... hold him," I sobbed.

When we finally got to the big Columbia Medical Center in Washington Heights, Santana reached in her bag for her wallet to pay the cabbie. The older African-American man replied in accented English, "Put dat away. It's on me. Good luck to ya! I hope your friend is okay."

"Thank you so much, sir! You are so kind," I briefly laid my hand on his shoulder through the cab window, before turning to Santana, "I texted Kurt about 2 minutes ago when I knew we were close." I looked around the busy entrance with various medical personel moving about.

I turned when I heard Kurt's voice over the din of traffic and voices, "Rachel! Santana!" He ran down a short ramp and threw his arms around us both in a tight embrace, "Thank god you're here! I'm going crazy by myself. They won't tell me anything. I guess they don't know anything yet. They said they took him back to surgery a couple of hours ago before I got here, but no word since. There is a family waiting room, let's go there. We'll have to go through security first and get your visitor passes."

It seemed to take forever to wait in the line to have them search our bags and have us walk through metal detectors. I knew I wouldn't get to be with Finn just then, but I wanted to get as close as possible, so when the surgeons finished, we would be waiting. Finally, with printed badges on our chests, we took the elevator up to the floor housing the Cardiothoracic Department. Kurt explained rapidly as we rode on the elevator.

"The nurse told me that he has been unconscious since they brought him in this morning. The wound is in his chest, but at first his vitals seemed okay, except for the problems from shock and blood loss. They've done a bunch of scans and x-rays and tests...Then about an hour before Carole even knew Finn had been shot and called me, he started showing signs of more serious blood loss, so they decided to take a look. I got here after he was already in surgery. By the way, Carole and my dad are trying to get here, even if they have to drive overnight."

We exited the elevator and walked down a long gray hallway to a heavy wooden door with a black plaque on it proclaiming it to be a "Family Waiting Area." There were couches and tables scattered around the room, a television mounted on the wall, which was currently off. The only other person in the room was a middle-aged man in a blue uniform. He stepped toward Kurt saying, "No one's been in since you left, son."

"Thanks, Mr. Desic," Kurt addressed the man, and turned to me saying, "This is Rachel Berry, Finn's fiance, and Santana Lopez, a friend."

The man's bright blue eyes swiveled to Santana and then to me. He seemed to study me for a moment, which sort of gave me an uncomfortable feeling, like he already knew me, but I didn't know him.

"Mr. Desic was the bus driver of the M60 bus where Finn was shot." Kurt explained, "When he finished with the police, he came to the hospital to check on Finn. I talked the staff into letting him wait here. He had just started telling me what happened, before I left to meet you."

"Yes, I was," came his wheezy voice with a heavy New York accent, "That young man in there saved my life and probably a lot of other peoples' on that bus today! I thought I was a goner for sure, when this crazy looking guy in a green coat pulled out a gun and started waving it around at me yelling for me to pull the bus over in the middle of Morningside Heights near 116th and 8th . Never in my 30 years as a driver, have I ever seen such a thing, and I've seen a lot of crazy things, that's a fact!"

I closed my eyes on a heavy sigh. I already could imagine what probably happened, as Mr. Desic continued his story, "I didn't like the look of the green coat fellow, but we get all kinds. He acted kind of nervous and twitchy from the time he set foot on my bus. Cops say he was probably crazy or amped up on drugs."

"They haven't found him yet?" Santana asked.

"Not as of a couple of hours ago," Mr. Desic replied, "He just took your young fellow's wallet and phone from his pocket while he laid there bleeding all over the bus floor, and demanded I open the door, which I did since he still had the gun and had just shot someone. He ran off toward the park, last I saw, like I told the police."

I had to sit down in the middle of his speech, my legs just wouldn't hold me up as he described Finn in a pool of his own blood on the bus floor.

"But why did he shoot Finn in the first place?" Kurt asked, "Did Finn try to stop him or something crazy? _Classic__ block-headed__, __noble __Finn..._" Kurt mumbled the last part, as I glared at him hard from my place on the couch, though part of me agreed with Kurt. _How __could __Finn __think __he __could __stop __an __armed __lunatic?_

"Well, after I stopped the bus, he- the green jacket guy..." at this Mr Desic looked really frightened, "Put the gun to my head and told the passengers to throw their wallets and jewelry in the aisle of the bus. I was so scared. I heard some thuds, like people doing what he wanted, but must not have been fast enough for him 'cause he started waving the gun around at the people on the bus. It was pretty quiet except for a few people crying. I woulda cried too, if I'd not been so scared. Anyway, your friend, Finn, was about 3 seats back from us by a window. I remembered Finn getting on the bus earlier because he was a big guy, and not to tell tales, but when he got on my bus, he had tears on his face. I'd remember a big guy like that crying."

_He had been crying because he had just left me. Oh, Finn. Please, please, please be okay._

"Well, he wasn't crying by then! He looked Green Jacket Guy in the eye and said something like, 'Come on, man, you don't want to hurt these people. We'll give you our stuff, just take it and go. No trouble.'"

"Well, Green Jacket didn't like that one bit. He pointed his gun at Finn and said, 'Let's start with yours then, soldier boy!'"

"So I see in my mirror, Finn slowly stand up, I guess to empty his pockets, but that must have spooked old Green Jacket- maybe because your Finn is so big and tall, because next I heard a loud shot. Finn looked really surprised and then he slumped to the floor half on a seat. Like I said before, the green coat guy took his wallet and phone and grabbed a few more things off the floor and left before he hurt anybody else. Thank God!"

Santana and Kurt moved to sit on either side of me on the couch. I just couldn't seem to catch my breath. Santana pushed my head to my knees, and after a few minutes, I felt better, so I sat up.

"Was he...was he conscious at all after...?" I managed to croak out my question, but I couldn't finish it.

"Yes, for a bit, he was. I got on my radio and called for help real quick, while some other guy on the bus took off running to look for a policeman. When I got back to Finn, he was pale and sweating, and his breathing was a little fast. He said the strangest thing, but now I think I understand it more. He said, 'Rachel is going to be so pissed. I have been nothing but trouble to her.' I could tell he was losing consciousness, but he looked down at his chest, where he was hit, and said with a little smile, 'At least she has my heart safe.'"

Jagged sobs shook me all over after this. I had to know that he was going to be okay- AND RIGHT NOW! I stood up and wobbled over to the door and opened it looking in the hallway for I don't know what. A nurse was walking by. "Excuse me, could you please... please tell me if there is any news on the condition of Finn Hudson. He has a gunshot wound. I think he's in surgery."

"I'll check, Ms..." her eyes looked me over.

"Berry. Rachel Berry. I'm his fiance."

"I'll check Ms Berry. I'm not sure what I can tell you, though."

"Please, I have to know. He would want me to," I was begging, and I didn't care.

Kurt stepped forward, "And I'm his brother, remember me?"

As the nurse rushed off, I gave Kurt a silent look of thanks. We returned to the waiting room, but I couldn't keep still, pacing back and forth on the shiny gray linoleum.

"Mr. Desic, did help arrive fairly soon after you called?" Kurt thought to ask.

"I'd say within 5 minutes, maybe more. Finn was breathing the whole time I sat next to him, so that has to mean something," he said this with a sad look over at me, "The rescue squad people came in and got him out on a stretcher and into an ambulance. I guess they brought him here because it's fairly close, but I've heard that this is a good place to be if you're in need of help."

Kurt looked at the kind bus driver and said, "Thank you for telling us this, Mr. Desic. It was hard to hear, but we needed to know."

I stopped pacing and nodded vehemently at what Kurt said, before murmuring, "Oh, Finn... To think I was so worried about him being shot at in the Army, and he gets shot right here in New York. If we'd just taken a cab this wouldn't have happened."

"Rachel, I don't think we need to dwell on could of, should of', would of's," Kurt responded, walking over to put an arm around me, "Finn's tough. He has every reason to live."

"That's right, Berry! If for no other reason than to annoy me with his big doofy presence in our apartment," Santana took my hand in hers. I couldn't laugh, but I managed a weak smile for her.

Just then the door opened and my heart sped to 3 times its normal rate. It wasn't the nurse, but a doctor in scrubs, looking tired. Something about him was familiar. He looked around at all of us gathered there.

"Mr. Hummel?" Kurt stepped forward and the doctor looked at Kurt, and then the rest of us, "I'm Dr. Oz. Your brother is out of surgery. We found the source of the bleeding. The bullet just barely nicked his aorta, the major artery leading from his heart. We were able to repair it. He lost a lot of blood, but he's very lucky. Another millimeter and he would have bled to death," at this he paused, as if wondering how to word his next sentence, "The concern we have now is the location of the bullet. It appears to still be lodged between his T4 and T5 vertebrae. We're going to have a neurosurgeon take a look at him once we're sure we've stabilized him."

"So...so it's lodged in his spine?" I asked without even realizing I'd spoken aloud until I was done speaking.

"Yes, Ms...Berry, I presume," I nodded at Dr. Oz in response before he continued, "We'll need to assess his situation when he regains consciousness, but it's possible that the bullet could cause some paralysis or other issues. It's just too soon to tell."

"When can I see him?" I asked.

"Well," he hesitated looking at the clock behind me, "He's in recovery, and then we'll put him in the ICU. I'd say at least another two hours, and only a very short visit then. You could go home, and we'll call..."

"No, sir. I am not leaving this hospital," I said politely, but with conviction.

Dr. Oz left after that, followed soon after by Mr. Desic, who promised he would check in tomorrow. Mr. Desic insisted that he and Kurt exchange numbers in case there was anything he could do to help. On an impulse, I walked to him and hugged him. He had been so kind to sit with us and tell us what happened to Finn- Not to mention calling for help and sitting with Finn after he was shot. He hugged me back and patted my arm awkwardly, "You take care of yourself, Rachel. I can tell that Finn thinks you hung the moon, and that boy's going to need you to help him get his feet under him again."

"Yes, sir. I promise." I replied with a wan smile, thinking of Finn lying in recovery, his future so uncertain.

* * *

_Interesting note: Many of you probably know this already, but I was looking through the directory of cardiac surgeons on staff at NY Presbyterian/Columbia University Medical Center, and noticed Dr. Oz of TV fame._

_Thanks for reading! Comments and reviews are medicine for the soul._


	17. I Am Here

_Notes: The soundtrack, so to speak, for this chapter is Radiohead's "Street Spirit (Fade Out)." It has an especially haunting melody and seems to convey the mood I felt writing this installment. I highly recommend the song while reading this, if you've got it._

_**Thanks so, so much for all the alerts, favorites, and reviews! Please keep them coming. As I always say: I own nothing but my mistakes, and please forgive them. **_

_**Chapter ****16 ****Recap:** Rachel recovers from her swoon after finding out Finn has been shot and rushes to the hospital where he is in surgery. We learn that Finn was shot while heroically confronting a gunman on his bus to the airport. Finn's surgeon arrives to reveal that Finn had a small nick in his aorta, which is repaired, but the bullet is still lodged in his spine, making his future uncertain._

* * *

**I Am Here**

After Dr. Oz and Mr. Desic left, Kurt and Santana insisted on going to the hospital cafeteria for some dinner to keep our strength up, since we wouldn't be able to visit Finn in the ICU for at least another 2 hours. I picked at a salad and sipped a cup of tea. I couldn't think of eating when Finn was lying not far away, regaining consciousness. I wanted to be there so much, that I was in physical pain. _Would __he __find __out __about __the __bullet __in __his __spine __while __he __was __alone __in __recovery?_

Santana shot me a shaming look, "Rachel, if you don't eat at least 3 more bites of that salad and drink all of your tea, I will force feed you, I swear! You are no good to Finn if you collapse again."

That had me eating and drinking. It was all about him. I had to be strong for him, now.

When we got back to the waiting room and checked the time, we determined we had at least another hour to wait before we might get into the ICU to see Finn. Santana decided to distract us and help pass the time in an unexpected way- _The __How __Well __Do __You __Know __Finn __Hudson __Game?_ It consisted of asking random silly questions and guessing how Finn would answer them. In some way, it was comforting to try to think like Finn, and I actually laughed a couple of times. It helped me feel closer to Finn, than I had since Kurt had told me he'd be shot.

"Okay...," Kurt interrupted a particularly inappropriate question from Santana about sexual positions, "If Finn could be an animal, what would he chose?"

"Dolphin," I said immediately.

"Ostrich," Santana said simultaneously.

"Explain..." Kurt prompted.

"Ostriches are tall and funny looking, and with his lack of hair at the moment..." Santana shrugged, "Besides, you've got to admit, they're really cool birds. I read somewhere that they can run like 40-50 miles per hour. Did you see Finn in that game last year against Tucker High? He was like hauling serious ass down the field on that play where they did the quarterback sneak thing, and we scored a touchdown."

I was genuinely surprised at how thoughtful and (mostly) complementary her answer was. That was the great thing about Santana, beneath her crusty exterior there really was a heart of gold, as the saying went.

"I thought of dolphins," I went on the explain, "One time Finn told me he really liked them because they're smart and they take care of the other dolphins in their group. He said he saw a news story on TV about a pod of dolphins protecting a surfer in California from a great white shark that was attacking him. That is so Finn- protecting those who need it." I mused sadly.

Santana interrupted my maudlin thoughts, "Dolphins are just gay sharks, so says Brittany," she smirked.

Kurt glowered at her for a second and then said, "Both exemplary answers, but I'd go with the emperor penguin."

I glanced at Santana, and she looked as confused as I was.

"Emperor penguins are monogamous," he nodded to me, and I had to smile a little bit, "They adapt to their harsh environment amazingly well- I think Finn could live at the South Pole if he had to. Besides Finn once told me he liked their little tuxedo outfits. When Finn makes a fashion statement, it's like all the planets aligning or something."

"Rachel, your turn for a question," Santana said laughing.

I thought for a second, "If Finn could change one thing about himself, what would it be?"

Kurt and I looked at each other saying together, "His dancing!"

"If you can even call it that," Kurt added.

"Kurt!" I chided him, "His dancing is **so** much better. He didn't break anyone's bones last year..." I trailed off dismally, as I remembered what Dr. Oz had said about the bullet in Finn's spine.

But then Santana muttered softly, "He'd change who he lost his virginity to."

I looked at her in surprise. We never really talked about _that_. I didn't know what to say exactly.

Santana shrugged one of her trade-mark, 'whatever' shrugs, "It's true. I know _I_ would change it, if I could. He's never said it, but I know that's how he feels. It should have been you all along, Rachel. I know he was thinking of you back then."

"Santana!" I was a little shocked that even she would be that brutally honest.

"Hey," she grinned, trying to back out of the heavy, "At least he can always say his first was a lesbian, which is like uber-hot in heterosexual guy circles, right?"

"I think that's only if they were lesbians _before_ the fact, Santana," Kurt said primly.

At that moment, I was so struck by how far we'd all come from those confusing times back in sophomore year at McKinley. Kurt was a beloved friend and brother to Finn. Santana was sitting vigil for Finn at the hospital because she really cared about him as her friend. And me, I was going to marry Finn, the love of my life, and nothing was going to keep me from that.

Just then, the nurse I had accosted in the hall earlier poked her head in the waiting room door. "He's awake and asking for you. I can take you to him, if you're ready."

I was up on my feet before she finished her sentence. I felt a thrill of excitement and nervousness I would have compared to our first official date the summer after Regionals sophomore year. I was going to see Finn. Let the healing begin! If I could make him well again by the shear force of my will, he had no worries.

The nurse used her badge to open the automatic doors to the Intensive Care Unit. Santana and Kurt stopped to wait outside, shooting me supportive looks, while I continued with the nurse. I felt a case of nerves that would _crush_ any nerves I'd ever had before a performance to dust. I wanted so badly to show Finn that I was there for him. That everything was going to be alright.

The ICU was much more dimly lit than I expected, like a theater just before the show starts when the house lights are dimmed, but not completely off. There were a handful of patients spaced around the room in hospital beds with a nurse stationed at each one, monitoring the staggering amount of machinery and tubes connected to each of their charges. My nurse, _that's __how __I __thought __of __her now_, led me to the far corner of the room.

I saw his dark head first, even with his short haircut, it was still obviously Finn. As I walked over slowly, I took in the pallor of his neck and cheek. His face was turned towards the wall, away from me. He was so pale and somehow he looked thinner or smaller in his clinically white hospital bed, which I hadn't thought possible of my 6 foot 3 inch fiance. He had clear plastic tubing snaking from his face, where breathing tubes were placed in his nose. _Deep __breaths, __Rachel __Berry- __and __put __on __a __smile __that's __not __too __much __but __not __too __little __either. __Geez, __I __was __scared._ When I hesitated, my nurse looked back at me and said quietly, "This way Ms Berry, he's over here."

Just then, he turned his head in my direction, and I saw those almond shaped hazel eyes that I loved so much, gleaming even in the gloomy light. _There __was __my __Finn._ He weakly reached out a hand covered with an IV and white medical tape, "Rachel? Are you here? Or am I just dreaming again?" he whispered hoarsely, his eyes looking around rather wildly.

His ICU nurse jumped up from her chair nearby and leaned into him from the other side of his bed, "Don't try to talk too much, dear. We just took out his breathing tube a little bit ago," she said to me to explain her command, "And he's doing just great breathing on his own, aren't you, honey." She patted his arm through the blanket, and Finn smiled loopily, obviously still groggy from the anesthesia.

I moved to clasp his outstretched hand gently in both of mine, bringing it up to my lips for a kiss. His fingers tightened slightly over mine. _They __felt __so _cold. He seemed to want me to come closer. I stepped forward, so the front of my legs pressed against the side of his bed. "I'm here, Finn. Where I always want to be, here with you."

"Why is it so dark in here, Rach? I want to see your face," he whispered softly, his eyes moving around the dim room.

"I guess they keep it dim in here, so you can rest, Finn," I moved so my face was a few inches from his, "Is this better?"

His brows contracted a little, "Rach, I can smell you... and you smell great, but..." he swallowed painfully, "But I can't see you...everything is just so … dark."

I sensed panic in his voice, as I felt my own. I moved closer still. After all, he had just had major surgery, there was bound to be some fuzziness. I kissed his dry lips softly.

"How about now?" drawing back a little and trying to keep the desperation out of my voice; I looked into his obviously unfocused eyes.

He shook his head in a negative, and his face crumpled, "Why can't I see your face? I want to see your face. Are you **really** here?"

I was vaguely aware that his nurse had scurried away, probably to find a doctor. Trying to hide my panic, I struggled to keep my tone even when I said, "It's going to be okay. I'm here. Shhh... I am here."

Fervently hoping he wouldn't feel that they were trembling, I brushed the fingertips of both my hands over his pale cheeks hoping to sooth him. In some tiny way I was glad that he couldn't see the sorrow and fear etched across my face when I looked into his beautiful eyes, as they blinked frantically at nothingness.

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_Thanks for reading! Please review, if you would be so kind._


	18. I Miss Your Face

_**Notes: I am not a doctor, and I don't even play one on TV, so please forgive any glaring medical errors. I also don't write for Glee or play a writer for Glee on TV.**_

_** All your reviews, alerts, favorites are so appreciated! Thank you!**_

_**Chapter 17 Recap:** After being shot on a bus on the way to the airport, Finn is in the ICU recovering from internal bleeding and a small nick in his aorta with a bullet near his spine. When Rachel finally gets to see him, they realize that he is virtually blind._

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**I Miss Your Face**

I was in a different waiting room now- this one, bigger, with more people. Hushed voices filled the room, some anxiously speaking about their loved ones in the Cardiac ICU. Santana and Kurt sat near me, their faces a mix of worry and fatigue. It was midnight. Finn would have called me from Fort Benning. Georgia by now, if he had not been shot on the M60 bus this morning... now yesterday morning, rather. I found it tragically ironic that I was wishing that alternate future had come to pass: Finn safe and far away from me, on his Army base rather than Finn in the Columbia University Medical Center ICU, apparently sightless.

_Several hours earlier:_

They had let me stay with him longer than I would have thought after the discovery that his vision was altered:

"Finn, what _do_ you see?" I tried to ask as calmly as I could.

He was still groggy and now quite agitated, but this question seemed to at least make him focus, as his brows drew together, and he looked around him, "Everything is dark and shadowy, I think I can see shapes of things, but I'm not sure." He reached out his hand towards me, "I can see a shadow of your body, but no...no details. _Shit, __Rachel __what's __happening_?"

I took his hand in mine in hopes of reassuring him, "I don't know, but your nurse has gone to get someone."

At that moment a white haired doctor walked briskly into the ICU and headed right for Finn, "Mr. Hudson, I understand you are having some issues with your vision. I'm Dr. Metzberg, I'd like to examine you."

Finn nodded in the doctor's general direction. The doctor took out a penlight and began examining Finn's eyes like I'd seen on medical shows. He didn't seem to notice me, so I stood to the side, still holding Finn's hand.

When Dr. Metzberg straightened from his task, he rubbed the back of his neck absently, "Hmmm... I'll order an MRI and blood work, among other tests. Possibly a complication from the blood loss or your surgery."

"Could it be related to where the umm... the bullet is?" I asked hesitantly, not wanting to upset Finn any further by bringing up the bullet lodged near his spine, if he didn't know of it yet.

Fortunately, Dr. Metzberg got my meaning and replied, "Highly unlikely, as that part of the spine doesn't generally relate to vision. We need to prepare him for his tests." Then addressing Finn's nurse, "Please show Ms …."

"Berry, his fiance," I supplied, now used to defining my relation to Finn.

"...Ms Berry, if you'd like to wait in the ICU Visitors Lounge," Dr. Metzberg suggested kindly yet firmly.

Finn spoke up, "I want Rachel to know everything you find out."

"We'll let you know as soon as we have the results, Mr. Hudson, Ms Berry," with that Dr. Metzburg strode out of ICU just quickly as he had come in.

As they prepared to take Finn for his MRI, I squeezed his hand and said, "I'll be waiting for news, and I'll be with you as much as they'll let me. I love you so much, Finn."

He looked as frightened as I felt, he pulled me toward him with what little strength he had, and whispered, "I love you, Rach. I miss your face."

At least he couldn't see my tears, "You still have my voice. You've always said you liked that."

That almost got me a crooked Finn-smile. Not quite, but almost, "No, Rach, I _love_ that."

I leaned over him in his bed, just as they were unlocking the wheels to take him away for the MRI, "Well, you have that and the rest of me, especially this," I took the hand I held and put his palm over my heart, "They're going to figure this out, Finn. I know it! Think those thoughts while they give you the MRI, so they get some good images of your brain."

"Not sure anyone wants to see what's in my head right now, Rach," Finn muttered gruffly, as his bed was wheeled away, and his hand slipped from mine.

_That was hours ago..._

_Now one in the morning, and still no news._ The nurse, who had been helping us through it all, whose name I'd learned was Sarah, had just shaken her head when Kurt and I stopped her in the hallway outside the ICU Visitors Lounge to ask if there was any information of Finn or his condition. Santana had gone to get coffee for herself and Kurt and tea for me.

Kurt's phone chimed softly, and after he looked at it a minute he said, "Dad and Carol should be here around nine tomorrow, I mean, _this_ morning. They ended up driving, since there weren't any available flights out of Ohio so late. They're somewhere in Pennsylvania at the moment. Hard to believe both Dad and Carol text now. Despite what they say, old people can learn new tricks."

I smiled absently, not completely hearing what Kurt said. I felt like part of me was lying in a hospital bed, sightless, being poked and prodded and tested. I wished for the millionth time that I could be with Finn. From the corner of my eye, I saw a flash of white, and I looked up in time to see a hospital bed rolling by-

"Finn?" I asked and the orderly pushing Finn's gurney paused when Finn, hearing me call him, reached out in my direction. I took his hand. He looked even more drawn and tired than before, but more aware of his surroundings, the affects of the anesthesia finally wearing off.

"Rach? I thought I was used to loud noises, being a drummer and all, but that MRI machine was intense, even with the headphones they gave me. It was like having someone hold a jackhammer just over my head. And they drew so much blood, I feel like a lab rat, but at least I couldn't see the needle."_ That he could joke at a time like this was a testament to his own internal strength._ I just wanted to throw myself on his chest and weep... but I didn't.

"Did they tell you any of the test results yet?" I tried for a neutral tone and failed.

He shook his head, "No, but they're moving me to a different room, I think. Isn't that right, Dan? Rachel, Dan is somewhere around here- he's my driver."

Behind Finn, the tall orderly with a shaven head and lots of ink on his muscular arms answered, "That's right, Finn." He looked a little embarrassed as he smiled shyly at me, "He insisted I call him Finn. They'll come let you know where he is, once he's settled, ma'am."

"It's _Rachel_, Dan. This is my girl; the one I was telling you about. Isn't she beautiful? Damn, I wish I could see her. Has she got on one of her dresses with the fruit on it?"

I blushed and tried to smile, when Dan laughed quietly, "No- flowers. You weren't kidding, Finn. She's a keeper. Let's get you to your room."

"I told you... and has a voice like an angel. So if I kick it, heaven's going to have to really bring it..." Finn was saying as Dan continued pushing his bed down the long corridor.

"Well, don't let it ever be said that a little loss of sight could bring Finn Hudson down," Kurt quipped from where he stood next to me in the hallway.

"A little too up, I think. I wonder if they gave him something to relax him for the MRI? Though- he seemed more lucid than earlier," I frowned in the direction Finn had been taken.

Sarah came to get us about 45 minutes later to take us to Finn's room, which was across the building up two floors and through a series of winding hallways. This room appeared to be small but private with a large glass window covering the wall by the door. There was already a nurse and a yet a different doctor in with Finn when we arrived.

I stood in the doorway with Santana and Kurt behind me for moral support. The youngish, energetic doctor with shockingly red hair turned to me within a few seconds, "This must be Ms Berry and friends. I'm Dr. Fielding, and I was just telling Finn, here, what we know so far about his condition."

He looked back at Finn, but moved to include us in the conversation, "Now Finn, as you know, we've done several tests on you today, especially, since your sight issue was discovered. The MRI suggests that you have a very rare complication from your surgery and blood loss. We are currently giving you blood..." Dr. Fielding pointed to the bag of blood suspended on a nearby IV pole for those of us who could see it, "Our hope is by increasing your blood-volume that this will greatly increase the chances of your vision improving."

"So are you saying that I could get my sight back? How is that possible?"

"We hope that you will get at least part of your vision back eventually. When a patient loses a lot of blood over a long period of time particularly due to injury and during surgery, as you did, sometimes there is inadequate blood supplied to the part of the brain that controls vision. In rare cases this can cause symptoms like you're experiencing. There are no guarantees but there is at least a chance we can reverse these effects."

"I'll take that chance gladly," Finn said with determination, "That's more than I hoped for when I realized I couldn't see. Rach?"

"I'm here. That's wonderful! How long until we know if..._when_ his vision will return, Dr. Fielding?" I moved to stand next to Finn and hold his hand. I was in shock and afraid to hope that what Dr. Fielding had said could be true.

"Usually, gradual improvement over time. We'll perform more tests in the morning. We should know more in several days. Now, it's been a long night for everyone, so as Finn's neurologist, I must insist that he get some rest, and I'm sure everyone else could use some, too. We can call you if there is any change in Finn's condition."

_Oh, no! That was **not** happening! I wasn't going to leave Finn alone, especially when he couldn't see._

"Dr. Fielding, I'd like to stay, in case Finn needs anything. I promise to cause as little disruption as possible," I looked at Finn, whose expression seemed to be one of relief.

"Are you sure, Rach? You must be so tired," he squeezed my hand more tightly than he had all night.

"Would you leave me?" I asked, and he grimaced at that, "I didn't think so. Well, don't expect me to leave you. We'll be fine. I just need a chair, if that's possible."

"Well, generally we limit overnight visitors, but it's not strictly against hospital policies, per se..." Dr Fielding seemed to be weighing his decision. I gave him my most determined yet engaging look. "I suppose it won't be a problem, but don't go wandering. Nurse McCormick, here, is on duty until 7, so she'll be watching out for you." Dr. Fielding nodded to the middle-aged nurse who had been quietly checking the array of medical machinery and IV's connected to Finn during the conversation.

She shot me a slightly sour look, like I was something on the bottom of her shoe, but whatever... _Rachel Berry could be the best, most quiet, guest ever_. I shot her a humble, and I hoped grateful, smile.

"I'll stay right with Finn, and only leave if he needs me to," I assured Dr. Fielding and Nurse McCormick earnestly. _Why __would __I __leave __Finn __anyway- __honestly?_

Dr. Fielding left to write his orders for the rest of the night, with Nurse McCormick following to get a sleeper chair for me. I turned to give Santana and Kurt tight hugs, promising to call them in the morning.

"This is probably the only time you two have been left alone while Finn's been in New York, that'll be G-rated," Santana smiled saucily.

"Heh, let's go Santana," Kurt laughed, "I'm beat. We can share a cab. Rach, call me when Carole and Dad get here, will you? Finn, get some rest, brother!"

"Sure, Kurt," Finn nodded sleepily, "Thanks so much to both of you for being here for Rachel... and for me. I love you guys."

Santana looked a little taken aback at this, but she grinned at me, "Okay- before we all have a big sloppy foursome, let's get out of here, Kurt." She grabbed Kurt's arm and they were gone.

"Wow, the girl knows how to make an exit almost as well as you do, Rach," Finn pulled my hand so I was leaning over his bed and he smiled in my approximate direction, "Alone at last..."

"Don't get any ideas, Mister! I am your nurse and your nurse only," I said in mock strictness.

"How did you know I've always had a naughty nurse fantasy, Babe?" he joked with his crooked smile in place. _With that smile, I just broke. I couldn't hold it in any longer._

"_Oh, __Finn!_" I leaned down, put my arms loosely around his neck, and quietly sobbed on his shoulder, "I was so scared. I thought …." _I couldn't finish my sentence.  
_

"Shhhh... Rach, I'm so sorry," Finn put his hand on the back of my head, stroking my hair, "I'm so sorry I put you through this. That I** _am_** putting you through this."

"Finn Hudson, you are never to confront an armed psychopath _again_. Mr. Desic told us what you did."

At Finn's confused expression, I supplied, "Mr. Desic, the driver of the M60 bus, told us all about how you stood up to the gunman. He came here to the hospital to make sure you were alright, said you were a hero and everything."

"I couldn't let that guy with the gun hurt all those people, Rach," Finn yawned sleepily, "There was a girl on the bus about our age. She looked _so_ scared."

_No, __Finn __Hudson w__ould __never stand by quietly, and do nothing, while peo__ple __needed __his __help. __He __was __so __annoying __that __way. _ It almost cost him his life, hopefully not his sight and maybe his..._**wait**..._**_his __mobility_**. No one had mentioned the bullet pressing on his spine with all the other things going on.

I'd seen him move both arms, but I tried to remember if I'd seen him move his legs. Surely, they had checked that , _but __still_... A fission of fear shot down _**my**_ spine, as I reached out and cautiously stroked his thigh gently, praying he could feel it.

He looked to be sleeping at first, but then he murmured, "Babe, that feels really good... but the naughty nurse fantasy is going to have to wait for another time. I'm beat," he slowly shifted his legs under his blanket, and I let out a deep breath of relief. _So __far, __so __good._

* * *

_Whew! This chapter was a doozy to write, if I do say so. VB has been skimming medical texts the last few days. I hope I didn't muck it up too badly. Hope you liked it! Reviews would make my day/night!_


	19. I Will Turn You Inside Out

_Notes: An anonymous reviewer pointed out that the military would show up at some point if Finn were injured. Well, read on, dear readers. You read my mind. Thanks so much for your input! I appreciate all the help I can get. _

_**Thanks so much for all of your alerts, reviews and favorites! I am so grateful!**_

_**Chapter 18 Summary: After being shot on his way back to Fort Benning, Georgia, Finn is still virtually blind, but his neurologist offered some hope that it may be a temporary and somewhat reversible condition caused by blood loss and poor blood flow to his brain (a real condition, by the way). Also, a little reminder, Finn has been injured under 24 hours as of the last chapter.**_

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**I Will Turn You Inside Out**

I'd been to Grand Central Station near the Financial District several times since I arrived there my first day of actually living in New York City. Grand Central truly was a busy place. I loved watching the large masses of people come and go, wondering about their lives, where they were going, what they ate for breakfast... Sort of like watching schools of fish in an aquarium, moving around each other with apparently no pattern or reason. Well, Grand Central had nothing on Finn's hospital room at New York Presbyterian for high traffic of people and patterns. Now I truly understood the saying, "Busy as Grand Central Station." Nurse McCormick had been in and out of Finn's room so often in the night, that I wondered if the woman had any other patients. Finn was in some pain due to the incision on his chest and had slept fitfully even with medication to help him sleep. He still had dark purple bruise-like circles under his eyes at 7 am when the first team of doctors arrived.

Being affiliated with Columbia Medical School, the hospital was a teaching hospital, so it seemed for every one doctor Finn had, there were at least a handful of residents or med students to go along with him or her. His cardiologist came at 7 am and looked at his EKG machine, printed a couple of strips, asked his students a few questions about Finn's heart rhythms, and then finally patted Finn on the shoulder saying, "Everything looks good concerning your heart. We'll do an echocardiogram later today to take a closer look at the chambers and valves in your heart, and I've scheduled an ultrasound of your aorta to make sure the repairs the surgeon did are working."

Finn tried to listen, but I could see the frustration etched on his face along with the fatigue. I understood most of what the doctor said, but it was overwhelming. There was no way I was going to be able to leave him today to attend classes at NYADA. I was exhausted, but I tried to mentally go through my schedule and catalog which instructors I needed to email or call for the day. I called Santana, and asked for her help with that. She offered to come later with a change of clothes and my charger for my phone.

Finn's buoyant mood of the night before had vanished. The visit with the cardiologist was just a sample of what was in store for the day. Doctor after doctor came and went by 9:30 am bringing his or her team along in between various tests and blood draws. By the time Carole Hudson-Hummel walked quietly into Finn's room just after 10 am and laid her hand on her son's bristly cheek, Finn was in an angry stupor of tiredness and confusion.

"Hi, Honey," she said, as she looked at him with tears in her eyes.

"Mom? I'd say glad to see you, but, well... I can't," Finn responded rather bitterly.

"How are you feeling today, Finn," she asked a look of deep concern on her face. She knew her son, and his appearance was rather alarming.

"Tired, blind, and pissed at the world..." that Finn said as much to his mom was not a good sign. She and I exchanged looks.

"What can I do to help you?" Carol tried.

"That's the thing, Mom. There's nothing you can do, unless you have a spare pair of eyes laying around I can have," Finn replied with equal parts bitterness and anger.

"Finn," I interjected, trying for a positive tone, "The neurologist said they would be doing more tests today. Let's see what those reveal. Why don't you try to rest? This morning has been extremely busy with doctor's visits and tests. "

"I guess you're right. What else can I do anyway?" he replied crossly and turned his head to the side and closed his eyes. I gestured for Carole to follow me into the hallway outside his room.

"We'll be nearby if you need us, honey," Carole chirped with false cheer. Finn did not acknowledge her statement.

When we reached the corridor a few feet from Finn's doorway, she clasped me in a fierce hug and stifled a sob. She didn't continue to cry, she was Finn's mother after all. As she drew back she wiped away a single tear, "Sorry, Rachel, he looks worse than I expected, but his attitude is what is concerning."

"Finn had a long night. Maybe if he gets some rest..." I suggested dully, I knew I was dragging, so I could just imagine how Finn must feel, "The neurologist really was encouraging about his eyesight. All the other specialists that have been by today have seemed to think that he's doing okay so far. Finn was so positive last night..."

"I see this all the time in my patients. He needs to realize that this process isn't a sprint, it's a marathon," Carole replied sagely, "We can help him do that, but you're right. He needs to rest to get better. Speaking of which, Rachel you look exhausted. Did you sleep any last night?"

"A little in the chair they brought in, but Finn was pretty uncomfortable. I just couldn't sleep knowing he was lying there in pain. They gave him a morphine pump, and that seemed to help some."

"I think you should go back to your apartment for bit. I promise I will call you if we get any news," Carole laid her hand on my arm, "I wanted to tell you how grateful I am that Finn has you. I feel like you're my daughter already."

I was so touched. I knew Carole thought we were too young to get married, but that she would say that, really meant a lot, but I couldn't help saying what I had been thinking since I found out Finn had been shot, "That means so much to me, you saying that, but I feel that Finn being shot is my fault at least a little. He was here in the city visiting me..."

"Stop right there, young lady," Carole said sternly, "Were you the man holding the gun? Did you tell Finn to stand up to him?" she looked me in the eye to see if I got her point before continuing, "I won't have you blaming yourself. We both know my son would not just stand by if he thought he could do something to stop someone from getting hurt. It was a perfect storm of coincidences that led to Finn being shot. You are not to blame yourself."

"I know you're right on some level, but a part of me wishes he had never come to see me. He'd be whole and safe at Fort Benning now. We were so happy during this visit, but I feel my selfishness of letting him come here almost got him killed," I bit back tears.

"Rachel, I think this is stress and fatigue talking. Go home, have a rest. You're almost asleep on your feet. You can't help Finn, if you don't take care of yourself."

"Santana has been saying the same thing," I smiled a small smile.

"Then listen to us. I'll call you if anything changes. Finn will hopefully sleep a lot today, anyway."

I walked quietly back into Finn's hospital room. I could see his chest rising and falling with the steady, deep breaths of sleep, but I so wanted to touch him, just to assure myself that he was still there. I brushed my lips across his forehead as softly as I could and whispered, "Rest. I'll be back soon. I love you, Finn."

He didn't stir, and for that I was glad, but I felt like I was leaving a part of myself in that hospital bed. I needed to be smart about this. I needed to go rest a bit, so I could come back stronger than ever.

I left around noon with Carole promising to tell him I'd be back by evening at the latest. I was in a fog during the cab ride down the length of Manhattan, all the images of the last 24 hours flashing through my mind in an endless loop. Finn saying good-bye to me and getting on his bus to the airport; Kurt telling me Finn had been shot; Finn in the ICU sightless and afraid; Finn struggling to absorb what the doctors were telling him about his condition... My world seemed to be inside out and upside down.

I got through the door of my apartment and went straight to my bed, allowing myself to fall face first fully clothed. I could still smell Finn on my pillow, and that was so comforting. My last thoughts were of Finn before I fell into a deep sleep.

I woke with a start to my room in dim late afternoon light. Santana was standing in my doorway, looking at me. That was a little unsettling. "What time is it? How's Finn? Did Carole call?" I was so fuzzy. My mind still half in a dreamworld, though I couldn't remember dreaming.

"First, you need to have a shower, while I make you something to eat, chica," she replied, not answering my questions.

"Okay, but let me call Carole first," I replied, reaching for my phone, which was not by my bed where I thought I had tossed it after dropping into bed.

"That'll keep, Rach," Santana insisted, "Shower, then food."

I felt a prickle of unease, "What is it? You know something- what are you not telling me, Santana?"

With a classic Santana shrug, "Nothing. I just think you should take care of Rachel before you dash off to take care of Finn."

I stared at her for a few seconds. My unease was still there, but I decided I wasn't going to get anything out of her until I did what she asked. Besides, a shower might wash the cobwebs out of my head before I headed back to Finn. I leapt up and quickly took a shower, while Santana made me a sandwich and a cup of soup, bless her. I ate it while walking around the apartment collecting things I might need at the hospital. Finally, I found my phone was plugged into a charger we kept by the front door. I picked it up, and tapped Carole's number on the screen.

After a few rings, she answered sounding tired, "Rachel, did you get some rest, dear? "

"Yes, I was out like a light for a few hours. I was just calling to see if you needed anything, since I'm heading back to the hospital soon. How's Finn? Did he get some rest? Any news?"

"Honey, I'm not sure it's a good idea for you to come back tonight. Finn's had a... he's was very agitated this afternoon, and they had to sedate him."

"_What?_ I know he was tired this morning, and in a black mood, which is understandable, but they had to _sedate_ him?"

"He woke up a few hours after you left, and tried to get up. He was very confused and not acting like himself. Fortunately, we got him back in bed before he fell or hurt himself."

"I shouldn't have left him... I knew it," my voice full of the guilt I felt.

"No, honey. I think, he was just very disoriented when he woke up. Physically, they say he's doing just fine. They were unable to do the neurological tests for his vision, but his aorta and everything else seem okay."

"I'll come sit with him, even if he's asleep. I know he'd want me to be there. I'll get a cab, and be there in 30 minutes or..."

"Rachel, the Military Police are here. They say he was due to report for his Advanced Training in Fort Lee, Virginia 3 days ago. They say when he didn't report for training, that he was officially registered as AWOL, Absent Without Leave."

"There must be a mistake! He said he had leave through last night, and he was returning to Fort Benninig when he was shot," I said, trying not to lose my focus, "Finn... Finn would not leave the Army without authorization. It doesn't make any sense."

"Well, when the MP's arrived not long after he woke up, that was when he got out of bed. He was very angry and upset. I've never seen him like that. They sedated him soon after, because they were worried he would tear his incisions. They have restrained him..." Carole's voice shook at the last two words, before she continued, "They have strapped him to the bed, Rachel. They won't let anyone in to see him."

"Carole, I will be there as soon as I can. I'm getting a cab now. This is a mistake. I know it."

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_Thanks so much for reading! Sorry it has taken so long to get this update to you! I've got some big plans for this story coming up, so please hang in there with me. Reviews let me know you're out there reading!_


	20. I Am the Man in the Box

_**I am enjoying all your reviews and comments so very much! Please keep them coming.**_

_Chapter 19 Summary: Finn is hospitalized, still mostly blind with a bullet near his spine. Rachel goes home to take a quick rest, and bad things happen. The Military Police show up at Finn's hospital bedside and accuse him of being absent without leave from the Army. Finn becomes upset and angry and ends up being restrained in his hospital bed._

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**Chapter 20- I Am the Man in the Box**

I hung up with Carole, my mind racing. Finn would _not_ leave the Army without proper permission, especially given his dad's history. He had once said to me he regretted his decision in joining up, but he seemed so resolved to stick it out. He talked of the next step of moving on to his Advanced Individual Training like it hadn't been decided. The Military Police were saying he should have been someplace in Virginia three days ago. Could this all be a big mistake, or was Finn actually AWOL? That sounded so bad._ Didn't people go to jail for being AWOL?_ I took a couple of calming breaths. I would do Finn no good if I panicked.

While I had been ruminating, Santana had walked up to me, "Berry, you know GI Joe and I haven't always gotten along, but even I don't believe that Finn would be stupid enough to just leave his base without authorization," Santana shrugged looking a little guilt-ridden, "Carole called and told me about the MPs showing up at the hospital about an hour before you woke up. We decided you needed all the sleep you could get to deal with this. Besides I wanted to look up some stuff about Army leave on the internet."

I should have been angry, but Santana and Carole were trying to help, so I reigned in my emotions. Santana had gone out of her way to look up information to help her friend, Finn, after all. "Did you find anything on the net? I know Finn mentioned that he had to put in a request for leave with his commanding officer. He told me that much. I just assumed he got it after that."

Santana nodded before saying, "A soldier requests leave by filling out this long-assed form stating exactly where he's going, when he'll back, how he's getting there, etc. It's worse than when you're in high school trying to get permission from your parents to go on a freaking trip for Spring Break. Anyway, once the request was granted and his CO approved it and signed it, Finn would have had to sign out of his base at the time stated on his leave form. The soldier has to carry the form, called a leave chit in soldier slang, with him while on leave. Did you happen to see Finn's chit? _**So**_ many jokes I could make about that, but not the right time, I guess,"Santana sighed at her lost opportunity.

I shook my head, "No, I didn't see any paperwork. Is it more than one piece of paper? He might have had it in his duffle bag, or even in his wallet. I haven't seen either of those since the shooting on the bus. In fact, the gunman stole Finn's wallet. Santana, what if it was in that?"

"Well, the army should have their own copy of his leave papers, but since they're saying that he should be in Virginia now and not on leave, that may not be a worthwhile avenue to pursue."

"I need to get to Finn and ask him about this chit form thing. Maybe it was in his duffel bag, and I need to find that bag. I didn't see it last night. I wonder if it was left on the bus. Mr. Desic, the bus driver, might know, if that's the case. Kurt has his number, I'll have him call and ask if I get to the hospital, and it's not there. Thanks, Santana! I'll call you if I find out anything."

After one of the longest cab rides up the length of Manhattan of my life, I finally arrived outside of Finn's room in NY Presbyterian Hospital. Looking through the large glass window into the room, I saw Finn lying motionless, with heavy leather straps around both wrists attached to the bed with some sort of lock. _Oh, __Finn._

It was surprisingly quiet, and I wondered what had happened to the MPs that I thought would be standing guard. Seizing the opportunity to talk to Finn when I could, I quietly crept into the room. Standing beside the bed, I saw grayish bruises forming where Finn had apparently tugged at the restraints at his wrists. I gently laid a hand on his forearm above the right manacle and clasped his limp fingers with my other hand. His skin felt cool to the touch. "Finn?" I whispered loudly, "Finn, can you hear me?"

He partially opened his eyes, but he looked really groggy. "Finn, it's Rachel. Can you see me at all?"

"You're so beautiful. I can see you in your prom dress. You looked so hot that night. Did I ever tell you? I just couldn't believe you were mine," he muttered sleepily.

The bitter-sweetness of such a happy memory lanced through me- especially now. Little did we know what the future held for us then. Gripping his hand in mine, "Finn, we don't have much time. Can you see me now?"

Finn seemed to struggle to focus in the direction of my voice and shook his head, my heart sank, "I can see... the a blurry shadow of you against whatever is behind you."

"Well, that may be a little better," I said hopefully.

"Rachel, the Army is here. They locked me to this bed like a criminal. I'm not a criminal!" Finn said in an agitated voice while tugging at the his wrist restraints. That put a few more cracks in my already breaking heart. Seeing him like this was awful. I clasped his shackled hand in mine tightly.

"Finn, you're bruising your wrists doing that, please, try to stop. I know you're not a criminal, Finn. I'm going to help you figure this out. I know you are **not **AWOL, but you have to help me. Can you do that?" I asked as calmly as I could, though I was so worried that someone would come and force me out at any second.

For a moment, I thought he had retreated to his dream world, but finally Finn nodded slowly, "Help Rachel. I'm not AWOL, CO gave me leave. Man in the box earned it."

My heart rose, he said his commanding officer gave him leave! I didn't understand what he meant by that last part, but he had gotten leave, that was the important point. Now to prove it. "Finn, listen, I need your leave papers that you carried with you to New York. Do you know where they are? In your duffel bag?" I said hopefully.

He shook his head. _Oh, __no!_ "Are you sure they weren't in your duffel bag, Finn? This is important."

"No, in my wallet. I put leave chit there, so it'd be safe. Have to have it at all times."

They were in his wallet, that had been stolen by the gunman after he shot Finn on the bus. They most likely would never be recovered.

"Are there any copies besides the ones in your wallet, Finn?" I asked not even trying to hide the desperation in my voice.

He shook his head, and murmured, "Rachel, I'm so sorry... Army has copies."

"I'll try that, Finn," I said sadly without much hope, but Finn was too sedated to really notice, "Try to rest. I'll sit with you." Mentally, I added … _until they bodily force me to leave._

"So glad you're here now. Everything so weird after you left. Wish I could hold you...," he slurred sleepily.

"Me, too, Finn. So much." I leaned over and pressed the hand I held to my lips, knowing he was already asleep, for which I was grateful.

I sat next to Finn turning what I knew over in my mind, all the while, waiting for someone to show up and force me out of the room. Rachel Berry would not go quietly, that was for sure. A nurse I didn't know came in and checked Finn's IV, but she just smiled politely and left. Sitting there with Finn's hand in mine, I tried to think what I needed to do next. Maybe the police had tracked down Finn's attacker by now. I hoped so. It was possible that he would still have Finn's wallet on him. I wondered who I should contact to find that out.

About 15 minutes after I arrived, Carole and Burt walked quietly into Finn's room, followed by a slender man wearing a wrinkled gray suit, and his shaggy sandy hair badly in need of a trim. I rose to give Burt a hug, since I hadn't seen him that morning when Carole had arrived.

"Rachel," Carole spoke softly, "This is Detective Liskey with the NYPD. He's handling the case of Finn's shooting. He had a few questions for Finn. They caught, well...the man who shot Finn was shot himself early this morning while resisting arrest and pointing a gun at police officers who were trying to apprehend him. He's critically injured, and I'm ashamed to say that a part of me is glad for that." Carole's voice quavered at what she said last. She looked over at her son lying pale and still in his hospital bed, "Has Finn been awake yet?"

"Briefly. He seemed a little confused, and some of what he said I didn't understand. He was adamant about the AWOL charge being mistake, that's for certain," I replied to Carole, "Did they recover any of Finn's stolen things from the gunman once they caught him? This is important. Finn said his leave papers were in his wallet, which the gunman stole after he shot Finn. Those could help prove that his leave with the Army was approved."

I saw Detective Liskey shuffle through a file he had been carrying in his hand that I hadn't noticed before, then holding some papers out to me, "Would these be them? I have copies of photographs taken as evidence of what Marcus Jameson was carrying on him when he was apprehended at 5:30 am this morning fleeing from police officers in Queens. I would have been here much earlier in the day to speak with Mr. Hudson, if Jameson hadn't been shot. He's currently in a coma, and his odds aren't that good. You'd be astounded the amount of paperwork an injured perp creates," he finished tiredly.

While Detective Liskey was speaking, I quickly moved to take the black and white copies he offered me. On top of the stack, I saw copies of Finn's Ohio driver's license and military ID along with a credit card with his name on it. Flipping a few more pages, I came to an official looking form with "Request and Authority for Leave" printed across the top and Finn's name printed beneath the heading.

"This is it..." my hands shook as I scanned for the dates and other information that might clear Finn of the AWOL charge. "There, right, there," I pointed excitedly to the middle of the paper, "It lists the dates for his leave, starting September 21st, the day he came to New York, and ending at midnight last night, September 25th. This proves he had authorized leave! I knew there had to be a mistake. Where are the MPs anyway? I thought they'd be here guarding Finn."

"Good question. I told them I'd be checking into their charges of Finn being AWOL with a general I've been meeting with at the Pentagon regarding Finn's dad," Burt replied. I knew Burt, Finn's step-father and a freshman Congressman for Ohio, had been trying to set up meetings with Pentagon officials in Washington DC to investigate Chris Hudson's dishonorable discharge, but I hadn't heard he had succeeded. I made a note to ask Burt more about what he found out later. Right now, Finn's AWOL charge was the more important issue. Burt left to ask the hospital staff if they knew where the Army police were.

"Well, shall we try to wake Mr. Hudson up, so I can ask him a few questions?" Detective Liskey, looked from Carole to me.

I stepped forward, and took Finn's hand as I had the last time I woke him, "Finn? Finn, there's a police detective here who would like to ask you a few questions about your shooting."

Finn's eyes opened again. He still looked to be under the influence of the sedatives they had given him to calm him down.

"Rach?" he tried to smile, "Still here? Thought I was dreaming before..."

"Of course, I'm still here, Finn," I felt a stab of guilt that I had left for a few hours earlier, "This is Detective Liskey with the New York Police Department. He has some questions. Do you think you can answer him?"

"Yeah, I guess," Finn rasped, trying to straighten in his bed, only to be stopped by his restraints.

Carole and I stood and listened as Detective Liskey talked with Finn about the details of his shooting on the bus and what he remembered about the man who had shot him. It was painful for us all to relive it through Finn's narrations.

"I noticed the guy...Jameson, you said his name was, when he first got on the bus... mainly because he had on an old, beat-up Army field coat... not the one's we wear now, but from like years ago. It didn't have any insignia on it or anything, but it looked like a real army coat. H..he seemed really nervous and jumpy. I got a bad vibe from him right away, especially, when he stared at me really hard when he saw me," Finn shrugged painfully, "Ouch, still sore I guess. I thought maybe he was a... mentally disturbed vet or something. I seem to notice them more now that I'm in the Army..."

"You say he looked at you specifically?" The detective interrupted, "But you had never, to your knowledge, ever met the man?"

"No, sir. Never seen him before, and never want to again. 'Course, with my bad eyes, I guess I might not," Finn replied thoughtfully.

"Did he say anything to you when you tried to reason with him, other than what the bus driver reported..." Detect. Liskey shuffled his papers and read aloud, "'Let's start with yours then, Soldier Boy!'"

"No, just that. I stood up to get my wallet out of my pocket like he demanded, and the ass...guy shot me," Finn answered with some heat.

"Why do you think he called you that- 'Soldier Boy?"" the detective asked.

"I guess he may have seen my ACU, my Army Combat Uniform," Finn explained, "I was on my way back to base, so I was wearing my boots, ACU pants and t-shirt...my jacket was in the seat next to me. I'd taken it off because the bus was hot."

"But you were seated until you stood up just before he shot you, so it's unlikely he saw your trousers or boots hidden by the bus seats before he made that comment, correct," Liskey paused for Finn to nod at this, "You're ACU jacket was off, and your t-shirt was a plain tan, with no Army insignia, correct?"

"Yes, sir. Now that you mention it... how could he have known? My dog tags were tucked under my t-shirt. Maybe my haircut?" Finn supplied a guess.

"Perhaps," Liskey didn't seem convinced, though.

"One last question, Mr. Hudson, if I may," the detective said kindly, "Does the phrase 'Man in the box' have any significance to you?"

I started at what Detective Liskey said, struck by it's similarity to what Finn had said earlier when we were alone. At the time, I'd thought he was confused and speaking nonsense.

Watching Finn closely, no recognition crossed his face, and he responded readily, "No, sir... other than it being the title of an Alice in Chains song with some awesome drum fills in it."

"I ask because the officer who shot and then went to Jameson's aid once he was down stated that Jameson said those words along with your name, Hudson, just before he lost consciousness," Liskey explained.

I could tell Finn wasn't lying. He really seemed to find no meaning in the phrase. I wondered if I should speak up about this. I didn't want to get Finn in trouble, but if it was somehow related to the shooting investigation, Detective Liskey should know.

"Finn, earlier, when we were alone after you first woke up, you said something like, 'I'm not AWOL. CO gave me leave. Man in the box earned it.' I thought it was the sedatives speaking since you seemed really out of it, but why would you say part of what Jameson said when you barely met him?" The skin prickled on the back of my neck.

Finn looked genuinely confused and not a little upset when he said, "Rach, I have no idea. I swear, I only think of the song when I hear those words. It's on my iPhone and everything. I requested leave, and my CO gave it to me. Now the Army says they didn't, but that's what happened."

"You say you just finished Basic Training?" Liskey asked, "When I was in Basic it was unusual to get more than a 24 hour pass until after you started AIT. Usually only in cases of emergencies such as death or illness in the family."

"Are you saying I'm lying, too?" Finn shot back heatedly. It was hard to believe his eyesight was almost non-existent with the glare he was giving Detective Liskey at the moment.

"No one is saying you're lying, honey," Carole spoke up, "It's these strange coincidences, that's all. Besides, we need to thank Detective Liskey here for bringing us copies of your leave papers, that they found on Jameson. We now have proof that you had leave."

Finn's face brightened noticeably at this, "Really? That's awesome! More than awesome. Are the MPs still here? We need to show them, so they know I'm not lying or crazy, and I can get out of these damn things." He held up his fisted hands and pulled forcefully against the restraints around his wrists, "One thing's for sure, I do _**feel**_ like a man in a box!"

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_Well, what do you think? I'd love to hear! Odd coincidences or something more? Can Finn's AWOL problem really be solved that simply? Thanks for reading!_


	21. I'm at Your Mercy

_Author's Notes: Thanks ever so much for all your favorites, alerts, reviews, and kind inquires about VB's broken foot. All are truly a balm for my soul and my foot, which is slowly mending, I think. I will try to update this story at least two times a week, but my other story, "Baby's Got the Bends," is proving to be a bit of a distraction._

_**Chapter 20 Summary:**_

_Rachel rushes to Finn's bedside at the hospital after Carole tells her MP's have arrived threatening to charge Finn with AWOL. The MP's are not around when Rachel gets there, but NYPD Detective Liskey and Carole and Burt arrive soon after. The detective brings news that Finn's shooter, Marcus Jameson, has been critically injured while fleeing police. Jameson did have Finn's possessions on him, including critical papers stating Finn was on leave from the Army. A strange coincidence is discovered, however, Finn and the shooter both refer to Finn as "the man in the box." No one, including Finn, understands what this could mean, as Finn muttered it to Rachel while still groggy from sedation and has no memory of even saying it, and Jameson is currently in a coma._

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**Chapter 21- I'm at Your Mercy**

A famous quote by Albert Einstein about the relativity of time went something like, place your hand on a hot stove for just a minute, and that minute would seem like an hour. I could identify with his theory by applying my direct experiences. Finn's visit to New York City could be divided into to two distinct segments of time: _**before **_Finn was shot in the chest in a seemingly random act of violence and _**after**_ when Finn was dealing with all the ramifications of such a brutal attack. Before the shooting, time moved quickly- Finn and I were so happy together, that we wished we could stop time and savor each moment. After the attack, each second seemed to plod slowly after the next in an endless line of fear, tedium, and struggles.

After Detective Liskey left, promising to be in touch, I sat at Finn's bedside pondering relative time and other random thoughts, such as: what could "the man in the box" possibly mean in relation to Finn? I really should have been doing my NYADA coursework I'd brought with me, as I had intended. My instructors were all being extremely accommodating and understanding, but that couldn't go on forever. I would have to go back, but the thought of leaving Finn still so vulnerable for long stretches of the day was wrenching.

It could have been minutes or an hour when Burt returned from his search for the Army MP's who had been there earlier threatening Finn with an AWOL charge. Burt had an extremely puzzled look on his face, as he returned his phone in his pocket. Carole walked over and leaned into her husband, and he put his arm around her in a show of support. The gesture made me feel a small stab of what I would call envy.

"Strangest thing," Burt addressed the room, "No one on the hospital staff has any idea where the two MPs that were here this afternoon have gone. There isn't even a record that they were here, like they vanished or didn't exist to begin with. The nurses station has notes on Finn's chart about him becoming angry and agitated and needing to be restrained, but nothing official from the MPs suggesting he needed to be held because he was AWOL. If I hadn't seen them both with my own eyes, I'd think we imagined them. They said at the nurse's station that Finn's neurologist, Dr. Fielding, is coming in to examine him and determine if the restraints can be removed."

Finn shifted in his bed in marked frustration, "He better take them off. This is total bullshit...Where am I gonna go? I can't even find the damn door on my own right now."

I reached over and put my hand in his, "When he comes he'll understand that you can have these off, and we can also ask him about the testing that got delayed today."

"You read my mind, young lady," Dr. Fielding strode into the room catching the end of my sentence, and answering it with a smile, "Sorry, bad neurologist humor. I've scheduled a battery of tests for tomorrow morning early. How are you feeling this evening Mr. Hudson? I heard you were kicking up a little fuss earlier."

"I want out of these," Finn said dourly, lifting his hands what little he could, "I'm not going anywhere. I promise."

Dr. Fielding took out a light and shined it in Finn's eyes, among other things, "Any change in your vision today? Clearer or any sensations of light and dark?"

"I think I can see shadows of things like an outline of stuff, like people," Finn responded.

"Early days yet," Dr. Fielding mused as he continued his examination of Finn, "Mr. Hudson, can you push against my hand with this foot... good … now the other... excellent...I expect we'll have someone from the Army Medical Corps here tomorrow to examine you. Apparently, they know you're here. In my opinion, it would be inadvisable to try to transport you to a military hospital at this point, and I intend to tell whoever shows up that."

"Do you know anything about the MPs that were here earlier today that upset my son so much?" Carole asked.

"No, I don't. Though, I heard a little about it from the nurses just now," Dr Fielding's usually cheerful expression clouded a bit, "And I don't appreciate uninvited guests troubling my patients, even if they are representing Uncle Sam. Finn, may I call you Finn?" Finn nodded at this, "Finn, it is crucial you try to relax as much a possible, and let your body do the work of repairing itself. A lot of my job is just making sure I give you the opportunity to do that."

"Once I have these off," Finn raised his manacled hands, "I think it will be easier to do that."

"Well, let me go work on that. I'll check in with you in the morning after your follow up MRI and other tests. Try to get a good night's rest." Dr. Fielding moved to leave, gesturing to Carole and Burt to follow him out, while putting his hand out to me with a silent request that I stay with Finn.

"Uh...Burt and I are going to grab a quick dinner in the cafeteria, honey. Rachel, can we bring you anything?" Carole said, thinking quickly. I requested a salad and some tea, though I wasn't hungry in the least.

I sat with Finn, distractedly trying to make conversation, as I watched Dr. Fielding, Carole, and Burt talk briefly outside Finn's room. I couldn't hear what was being said through the glass window, but it looked like it wasn't good news. Carole shook her head and seemed to ask the doctor a question. His answer was a short shrug.

When the doctor left, I stood up quickly and told Finn, I was going to the bathroom, and I'd be right back.

I quickly caught up with Carole and Burt, who were just a few steps down the hallway, "What is it? What did he not want Finn to hear."

"Dr. Fielding is an unusual doctor. I think a good one, but certainly unusual," Carole mused almost to herself, "Honey, he just wanted us to begin to prepare Finn for the possibility that the Army will want to medically discharge him," Carole replied, "I have to admit I have mixed feelings about this. A part of me is relieved, but I know Finn will be devastated. He so wanted the chance to redeem the Hudson name and find out more about his dad's dishonorable discharge."

"As far as finding out about his dad's discharge, there may be other ways to do that, other than Finn being in the Army," Burt spoke up, "But we'll talk about that later."

"Would Finn's discharge be.. honorable? I mean he wouldn't end up like his dad would he?" I asked.

"If he were discharged because of his injuries, my understanding is that it would be neither honorable or dishonorable, it would be a medical discharge," Carole answered, "Dr. Fielding seemed to think that when the Army doctor visits Finn and examines him, that doctor will make the determination whether Finn will be able to remain in the Army based on Finn's likelihood of full recovery in the near future."

I sighed. At least he wouldn't be leaving the Army with another blemish on the Hudson name. To say I was conflicted would have been an understatement. I, of course, wanted Finn well and happy, and if he wanted to be a soldier, then so be it, but his enlistment in the Army had separated us. I wondered how Finn would react, if he was discharged. I was already worried about his state of mind as it was. He'd been through so much in the last 48 hours, not the least of which was being shot.

Walking back to Finn's his room, I paused in the doorway to study him, feeling a little guilty that he wasn't aware I was there. The sight of him lying strapped to his bed, eyes closed, skin still pale under his recent tan, two days of beard stubble on his cheeks- he really reminded me of a caged animal in the zoo. Fierce misery seemed to be radiating from every part of the man I loved, and I felt powerless to help him. That thought drew me up short. When did I start with this defeatist, mopey attitude? Finn was_ alive_ by some miracle when he probably shouldn't be. I should seize any chance I got to savor that miracle given to me..._ to us_.

First order of business, clean him up and make him feel as much like himself as possible. I knew they had hospital staff, who could and would bathe and shave Finn, but not on my watch. If I could sing some of the most challenging songs on Broadway, I could certainly give my fiance a shave.

Turning around in Finn's doorway, I resolutely strode to the nurses' station down the corridor. The nurses seemed startled but accommodating at my requests. I was back standing over Finn's bed in less than 10 minutes, a determined set to my chin, "Finn, you have the look of a wild man and not in a good way. Time to get cleaned up."

He opened his eyes to squint in the direction of my voice and spoke listlessly, "What's the point? I'm stuck here in this damn bed with no hope of getting out anytime soon."

"Finn Hudson, where is the man I know? The man who won us Sectionals when the odds were stacked against us. The man who kissed me in front of hundreds, maybe thousands, of people at Nationals just because he felt he _had_ to. The man who has helped countless friends when all seemed hopeless..."

"I'm not sure that man exists anymore, Rach."

"Well, it's time for someone to help _you_. We'll start with a bath and a shave. You'll feel better clean," I bustled over to the sink in his room and ran some warm water in the basin the nurses had provided and dropped a cloth in it.

"I think we'll start with the shave. It can't be much different than when I shave my legs, though a smaller area," I mused aloud.

"Why is you saying that a little scary and not at all comforting?" he replied tartly. He made a joke, a little one, but still... that was encouraging.

"I'm counting on you to give me tips as we go," I added conversationally, "Do I just put on the shaving cream?"

"I use an electric razor, so how should I know?" he seemed inclined to be uncooperative, I could see.

Shrugging, I put some shaving cream in my hand from the small bottle the nurses had given me and started to gently spread it over Finn's cheeks and jaw. Starting with the flat areas first seemed a good idea. When I had his cheeks and jaw well covered, I stood back to admire my work.

"It's a good look for you. You look like GI Joe Santa or something," I chuckled, warming to my task.

"Errr... Rach, you need to get my neck too," Finn lifted his chin, as if to show me.

"Okay, here, is this right?" I spread cream down his neck.

"Yes, now, remember not to press too hard, just kind of glide the razor over my skin in the direction the hair is growing, and you won't cut me."

"_Cut you?_ Maybe this isn't such a good idea..." What was I thinking taking sharp edges to Finn's face?

"Come on, Rach. You've got this. Besides, all this stubble is really itchy, now that you mention it." Finn looked expectantly in my direction, "Just promise to leave me with both eyebrows."

I'm embarrassed to admit that my hand shook a little as I held the disposable plastic razor against Finn's neck. I slowly swiped it over his slick skin through the cream.

"That's a good start, but you need to press a little harder, like when you shave your legs, right?" Finn said encouragingly.

"I'm not in danger of cutting my jugular when I shave my legs," I grumbled nervously, trying for humor and failing.

I tried several more strokes of the razor finishing his neck, and so far, I hadn't drawn blood, which was reassuring. Feeling a little braver, I moved to his cheeks, using my thumb and index finger under his jaw to tilt his head to my liking. The room was silent except for the sounds of our breathing, the beep of Finn's heart monitor, and the soft hiss of the razor over his skin. Finn seemed perfectly relaxed, unlike me.

After carefully finishing his chin, I moved to the hardest part- the area above his upper lip with the indentation I so loved to kiss. Admonishing myself for my wayward thoughts, I slowly and meticulously shaved the small space, gently swiping some excess shaving cream from his lips with my thumb when I finished. The beeps on the heart monitor sped up a little, and I let out a soft laugh.

"What?" Finn asked, actually smiling a little, as I wiped his face clean with a warm cloth from the basin I'd brought.

"Every girl's fantasy... her man strapped to his bed … powerless under her hands and at her mercy."

"Babe... didn't you know... you never needed to strap me down for_ that_," Finn intoned huskily.

"Only you and I could manage to get hot and bothered in the pseudo-ICU of a hospital, Finn," I leaned in and kissed the now clean shaven side of his jaw.

"The sad part is, we haven't even gotten to the bath yet," he mused before he turned his head toward me and whispered softly, "Rach...there's something I miss almost as much as seeing your face."

"What's that, Finn?"

"Your kisses," he rose off of his bed as far as his restraints would allow, seeking me. I met his lips with mine in a tender, slow kiss that lasted for a long time, until the nurse came in to remove his restraints. We were both _almost _sorry.

* * *

_I just had to throw in a few Finchel moments here to break up what I hope is a lot of intrigue and angst._

_So, will Finn be discharged from the Army? Wonder how he'll react if he is. What's up with the mysterious disappearing MPs, and their charges against Finn for being AWOL? The "man in the box" thing is truly a puzzle. VB has** so** much to think about. Reviews and theories are very welcome!_


	22. I Trust No One

_Author Notes: Sorry for the delay in getting you all this update! Thanks so much for all your favorites, alerts and reviews! _

_By the way, I am in no way affiliated with Glee, the US Army, or NY Presbyterian Hospital._

_**Story recap up to and including Chapter 21:** After being shot on a NYC bus on his way back to Fort Benning, Finn is still mostly blind due to surgical complications in addition to having a gunshot wound with a bullet lodged near his spine. Though his vision may be returning, Finn is rather depressed, and Rachel tries to cheer him up with a shave and a little TLC. The upcoming chapter begins 36-48 hours after his initial injury. Finn's shooter is in a coma after being shot by the police while fleeing._

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**Chapter 22- I Trust No One**

My Thursday morning session of History in Theatre at NYADA was an arduous test for even my rather developed skills in concentration. I struggled not to squirm in my hard chair as Dr. Thurgood droned on about the golden era of Broadway in the 1940's when a new form of musical theater evolved with the creation of characters with more depth and back-story. Normally, I would find such a discussion at least mildly interesting but not today. I had my phone set on vibrate and placed discretely on my desk, tucked next to my notebook. Carole promised she would text me with any news about Finn's condition or tests results. Finn had insisted I go home to my apartment to sleep the night before and then attend my classes today. I had resisted at first, but I sensed that I was adding to Finn's stress by neglecting my studies, so I left Finn's hospital room late last night, or rather early in the morning, after he finally fell asleep. Half listening as Dr. Thurgood recounted the birth of the ground-breaking Broadway musical, _Oklahoma!_, my mind drifted to the conversation Finn and I had in those quiet hours of the night before I left.

_Late the Night Before:_

I was sitting next to Finn on his bed in NY Presbyterian Hospital, just the two of us, relatively alone, except for the occasional visits from the hospital staff to check on Finn's stats, as they called his blood pressure and oxygen levels. Carole and Burt had gone to their hotel nearby for a brief rest, but I suspected they wanted to give Finn and me some time alone together. After his shave and the relatively chaste kiss that followed, Finn and I both felt the strong need to be close. Carefully and slowly he shifted a few inches in his bed, so we could sit side by side almost like we would at my apartment with the major difference being that I had to be careful not to sit on or move the tubes and wires snaking to Finn. It felt... wonderful... almost normal. I could even lay my head on his shoulder, my cheek tucked against it.

"I can't believe how much I've missed this, even though it's only been a couple of days. Finn, I don't think I will ever be so grateful as I am right now sitting here next to you, touching you, talking to you. Less than two days ago, I didn't know if I ever would again," I murmured softly, my voice cracking a little at the end.

Finn turned to press his lips to the top of my head, "Me, too, Rach. I guess, I have to keep reminding myself of how lucky I am, really. I'm alive, here with you. I know I should be so thankful, and I _am_, but then I think that... What am I going to do, Rachel... if I can't ...if I can't _see_anymore like.. ever?"

The fear I heard in Finn's voice tore at my heart, I pressed myself closer and hoped I could reassure him when I, myself, was afraid for him, "Well, first of all, Dr. Fielding said that there is still hope for improvement given that you can see more than you could when you first woke up just last night. It's barely been a day, at that. We have to believe that it will get even better."

"But what if it doesn't?" Finn replied, his voice thick with emotion, "One of the reasons I joined the Army was to keep myself from _ever_ holding you back. I didn't want to pull you down, when I knew you were destined to rise and do great things. It's like a really bad joke almost," he laughed bitterly, "Even though I tried to keep from getting in your way, here I am anyway, in New York, a big freaking burden keeping you from your work at NYADA. You should be in your apartment right now doing your homework or something, and I've messed that up... It seems no matter how hard I try not to complicate your life, I just do anyway."

I sat up a little and faced him, taking both his hands in mine, squeezing them hard, "Finn! You are**_ not_** a burden. You are the man I love, and you will listen to me when I say that we'll get through this. Life is complicated, but my life without you in it, which I thought a lot about yesterday when I first knew you'd been shot, my life without you would be half a life, Finn. You wouldn't want that for me, would you?"

He shook his head, but he still seemed unconvinced, "Finn, do you remember when we first met, officially anyway, at your first Glee rehearsal sophomore year? Do you remember how you described me later? I think you used words like 'kind of scary... but talented.'"

Finn smiled slightly at the memory, "I think I said I checked under my bed to see if you were the monster hiding out under there. That was sort of mean."

"Maybe, but it was the truth in ways you didn't even know at the time. I was so obsessed with becoming a star that I was in danger of forgetting why I wanted to be a star in the first place," I paused thinking back to the intense, annoyingly self-absorbed girl I was, "I wanted to touch people with my talent. I wanted to make a difference. I wanted to stand on a stage and make people think and feel and hopefully, in some way, help make their lives a little better, for a little while at least."

"You are amazing at that, Rach. It's your gift. You do that for me every time I see you perform," his voice wavered at the word see.

"Well, Finn, I firmly believe that I wouldn't be able to do that nearly as well, or at all, if it weren't for you. I had talent, sure, but there are thousands maybe millions of people with talent, but you..._you_ gave me something more, you helped make _me_ something more. You made me a better person because you loved me and believed in me. Sure, I talk about being a star, but trust me when I say that I wouldn't want any of it if it were just for the fame, not anymore. I want to make the world a better place with the talents I'm lucky enough to have, I want to give back, and that is because I have had the great privilege and honor of knowing someone who's already like that- You. You are my hero, Finn Hudson- I aspire to be more like you, just as much as I aspire to be like Barbra."

Finn laughed softly, "Now, I think you're getting carried away."

"No, Finn, it's true," I reached out to rest my palms on either side of his now-smooth jaw and looked into his eyes, willing him to see at least some of the earnestness in my expression, "You are one of the most generous, most loving, insanely brave people I know. That's why I _**know**_ in my heart that whether your vision returns or not, you will still make your mark on this world. You will make a difference for the better. It's who you are. It's what's in here," I moved my hand to press it very gently over his still bandaged chest over his heart, "You can't change that, so don't even try."

His eyes were wet as he put his hand over mine on his chest, "I love you so much, Rachel Berry."

"I love you, too, Finn Hudson, so quit trying to get rid of me with all this talk of being a burden," I kissed him lightly, savoring the feeling of our lips pressing against each others softly. I felt in that instant, that everything would be okay. "Now, are you ready for your bath?"

His grin was a little impish as he replied, "Thought you'd never ask!"

_At NYADA the Next Morning:_

Back in the harsh fluorescent light of day in my History of Theatre class, I was still filled will fear and worry- wondering, waiting, longing. I suddenly realized the other students were collecting their books and papers while my instructor was winding up. Finally! I would have a break before my Method Acting Workshop to call and check on Finn.

I anxiously dialed Carole's number as I walked to the student commons to grab some lunch. It rang several times and went to voice mail. Perhaps, they were talking to the doctors right now. I tried to quell my anxiety. I wondered how I would manage to focus during my Intro to Method Acting class coming up? Fortunately, the exercises for the day were lengthy, and class ended before I was called to perform my scene.

I rushed back to my apartment my class. Santana wanted to take the subway with me to see Finn after a quick dinner, but I really didn't want to sit through dinner. I had received one text from Carole just before my method acting class stating that the tests were complete, and they were awaiting the results which should be available later in the day, but no word since. I'd tried to call her again, but it went straight to voice mail.

"Rach, sit down and eat. You're as twitchy as Lord Tubbington trying to kick his X habit. Don't make me a Spanish mother before my time, yelling at you to eat all the time!" Santana groused, "Besides how many times do I have to say, 'You won't help anyone, if you make yourself sick by not eating?'"

I sat down grudgingly forked in two mouthfuls of pasta she had made for dinner, "This is really good Santana. Thanks for making it. I'm just so worried. Why can't I get through to Carole? I wish I'd thought to get Burt's number," I jumped up, with phone in hand, "I'll call Kurt. Why didn't I think of it before? He might even be with Finn, and he can at least give me his dad's number, if he's not."

Kurt picked up his phone on the second ring, "Rachel, where are you? I just got off the phone with Dad. There's this Major Pain guy at the hospital causing trouble for Finn."

"But the AWOL charges were a mistake..." I began, with the knot already in my stomach tightening.

"No, not that. That_ was_ a mistake," Kurt interrupted, "This Army brass guy is throwing his weight around insisting that Finn needs to be transported to the military hospital at Fort Benning in Georgia immediately because Finn is an active duty soldier stationed there. Well, Dr. Fielding is insisting that Finn is not stable enough to move yet, so he's speaking to his chief of staff or whatever they call the head doctor at a hospital."

"That doesn't make any sense," I argued, "The hospital in Fort Benning can't be as well equipped to handle Finn's injuries as NY Presbyterian! They are affiliated with Columbia Medical School, one of the best med schools in the country... What is the Army thinking? I can't believe..."

"Rachel," Kurt may have said my name a few times before I heard him, I was so wound up, "Save your ranting for this Army Major person. I'll pick you up in a cab in 15 minutes."

"Santana's coming, too," I looked at my roommate as I said this, and she nodded.

"Oh, Lord! It really _will_ be World War III!" Kurt hung up on that dire note.

The three of us walked down the hallway toward Finn's room like three avenging heroes on a mission prepared to do battle against the evil villain, Major Pain or whatever his name was. We came to a screeching halt outside Finn's room- Finn's empty room. His bed wasn't even there.

"Maybe they took him for more testing?" Kurt suggested hopefully.

"That or he's been abducted by aliens," Santana quipped, "They needed a freakishly tall specimen for their collection."

I shot Santana a glare on my way to the nurses' station, where I learned Finn was indeed off for more testing. We found Burt and Carol in a nearby visitors lounge in conversation with Dr. Fielding and another man with closely cropped gray hair and a strong square jaw, I had never seen before. Even with if he hadn't been wearing a well pressed uniform, everything about him screamed military, and I fought hard not to show my discomfort when he met my eyes over Carole's head. Carole turned to follow the direction of his gaze, she looked tired and very worried.

"Rachel, Kurt, Santana...Finn has gone for some further testing. We were just discussing the next step in Finn's treatment with Dr. Fielding, and this is Major Burnside, who is a doctor, or a surgeon in Army-speak, from Fort Benning," Carole gestured to the tall man standing silently next to Burt. I couldn't have explained why, but I felt unnerved by the man's intense dark stare as he inclined his head slightly in acknowledgment.

"To that end Mrs. Hudson-Hummel, I'd like reiterate the Army's commitment to what is best for your son, however _his_ commitment to the Army still stands, though he may be at diminished capacity at the moment," Major Burnside stated with some authority.

"The Army must be truly hard up to come after a partially blind guy with a chest wound and a bullet near his spine," Santana observed to the room at large. She did have a way of cutting to the quick of the matter. I saw Kurt nod sharply.

Major Burnside turned to look at Santana with annoyance, "The Army takes care of its own, Ms..."

"Lopez," Santana drawled eying the major head to foot with one of her dismissive glares, "Yeah, hauling a guy who almost died two days ago a thousand miles to some backwoods military hospital , is really taking care of the Army's own, I'm sure."

A look of controlled fury seemed to cross the Major's face in such a brief flash, I wasn't sure if I imagined it. Dr. Fielding spoke up at that moment, drawing my attention away, "The young lady has a point, Major Burnside. As I have said before, I cannot in good conscience release my patient into the Army's care until such a time I feel his condition has stabilized significantly more than at present." Gone was the amicable neurologist with the bad jokes, Dr. Fielding's expression was positively stony.

"Well, given that Private Hudson has already agreed to return to Fort Benning as soon as transport can be arranged," Major Burnside said with a small oily smile, "This discussion is academic."

"What? Finn already agreed to go?" I finally spoke, looking at Carole who nodded resignedly, "What is Finn thinking? Leaving against his doctor's advice. I don't believe he'd do that."

"He's in radiology right now for a scan to see if the bullet has moved since yesterday," Carole explained, "Dr. Fielding is concerned that if it should shift during the trip to Fort Benning, it could damage Finn's spine or other nerves. They want to try to determine if the placement of the bullet would make transporting him dangerous. "

"And who makes that determination?" I asked with a sinking feeling. This was worse and worse the more I learned.

"My team and I would make the initial decision, but we will consult with Major Burnside, of course," Dr. Fielding replied drily, tilting his head in the major's direction. The animosity between the two doctors was obvious, adding to my unease. For some reason, I already trusted Dr. Fielding implicitly, and it was obvious he disliked the major. That was another strike against the Army surgeon in addition to my own scruples.

As the impromptu meeting broke up, I didn't know what to hope for- if the bullet was in a bad location, that could put Finn at risk for serious complications, but it seemed mad to attempt to move him to Georgia in his condition, aside from my selfish desires to keep him close to me. Dr Fielding left to review Finn's charts and medical tests, while Carole, Burt, Santana and Kurt opted to go to grab a coffee before Finn returned. I decided to wait in Finn's room in hopes that he would return from radiology soon, and I could talk some sense into him about agreeing to be transported to Georgia.

Major Burnside seemed to have other ideas, as he followed me into Finn's room, after the others had left. I used my training as an actress to hide my feelings of unease and annoyance at being left alone with him, as he paced the length of the small space and studied the medical equipment scattered around the room. I didn't speak, not feeling obliged to be friendly.

"Ms Berry is it?" at my affirmative nod, Burnside continued, "Private Hudson's fiance, I understand. You must be anxious about his condition."

"I am," I replied, unsuccessfully keeping the anger from my voice, "And I'm fairly certain that moving my fiance to Georgia so soon after his shooting is not what is in his best interest."

"Ms Berry," Major Burnside said in a conciliatory tone, "Barring any surprises regarding the tests being conducted now, it is my professional opinion, that Private Hudson could be sent back to Georgia without any harmful effects. He has a duty to the US Army; surely, you can understand that."

"I understand that Finn is currently enlisted in the Army," I demurred, "But I'm not sure he will be able to fulfill that duty anytime in the near future, so what purpose could be served moving him in his weakened condition? It's even possible, he may _never_ be able to continue his service with you."

"Ms Berry, if I didn't know better, I'd think, you were almost hoping for that outcome," the major said in a faux-amused voice, but his eyes were cold, "We in the service and at Fort Benning, especially, have a strong interest in getting Pvt. Hudson on his feet and in uniform again, and he seemed to understand and even welcome the prospect when we spoke earlier this afternoon."

My heart clenched violently. Of course, Finn would agree to return no matter the personal cost to himself, with the specter of his dad's dishonorable discharge hanging over his head. Sometimes he was so damn noble I wanted to wring his foolishly honorable neck.

"Well, that may be, but Finn is not necessarily in a frame of mind to make rational decisions about such matters, especially without sound medical advice," I put extra emphasis on the latter part of my sentence, all but implying I did not consider the major's medical opinion worth much.

"I saw no indication that Pvt. Hudson's mental capacity was diminished, if that is what you are trying to suggest," Burnside ground out coldly, bristling strongly at the idea. as I shook my head.

I shook my head, "That's not what I meant, he is just recovering from a near fatal wound..."

"We shall see. The Army is owed its due." With that last statement or more of a threat, really, he strode out of Finn's room, leaving me alone as chill ran up and then down my spine.

I had not met many soldiers in my life, but this man could not be an example of the norm. There was something almost... sinister about him. I couldn't explain it even if I tried. I was staring absently out the window of Finn's room into the hallway, when Detective Liskey, the NYPD detective assigned to investigate Finn's shooting, walked past at quick clip. I started to go to him, but then I saw Dr. Fielding close behind him. I was interested to learn if Finn's shooter had regained consciousness after the injuries he'd sustained fleeing the police yesterday, but not wanting to intrude since the two men seemed deep in conversation and didn't see me. I hung back a little and happened to overhear a sentence or two.

"...The tox screen was clean except for that one exotic drug, and it was picked up only because we were looking for it. Marcus Jameson doesn't appear to have been an addict, and he had a clean military record until about 6 months ago when he just disappeared and was listed as AWOL," Det. Liskey was saying as he continued down the corridor next to Dr. Fielding.

"If you think there might be a connection... that Fort Benning might be the link, I can order a screen on Pvt. Hudson, but depending on the amount of time that's elapsed, it may not show anything..." Dr. Fielding and Det. Fleming turned a corner, and I couldn't hear anymore.

So, Finn's shooter, this Jameson person, had been a soldier charged with AWOL and may have been at Fort Benning at some point. Jameson also had some sort of unusual drug in his system at the time he was shot while fleeing the police within 24 hours of shooting Finn. Dr. Fielding appeared to be suggesting they screen Finn for this same drug. But why? There was also the uncanny coincidence with the phrase of the"man in the box" that both Finn and Jameson had used to describe Finn. Jameson had apparently referred to Finn as the "man in the box" within hours of Finn uttering the same phrase to me when he was waking from sedation. Jameson had been AWOL when he shot Finn, and Finn had erroneously been charged with AWOL himself by two Army MPs, who later disappeared mysteriously, just yesterday. **_What did it all mean?_ **I almost went after Liskey and Dr. Fielding to demand an explanation, but thought better of it. Who could I trust with this information? Normally, that answer would be Finn, but what if he was unwittingly involved? I did not believe for one minute that Finn would ever take such a drug willingly, at least I didn't _think_ he would...

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_The plot (finally) thickens. It's all as clear as mud, right? All shall be revealed in good time, I hope. Thanks for sticking with me and my story! More Finchel moments to come, I promise._


	23. I Can't Follow

_**Many, many apologies for the delay in updating this story! So glad you are still reading! I hope you will find that your patience has been rewarded by this long chapter. Your reviews, favorites and alerts mean so much to me. Special thanks to Mandolin28, who wrote specifically requesting an update ages ago. Thank you!**_

_**Chapter 22 Summary:**_

_A partially blind, though recovering, Finn is still hospitalized after being shot in the chest. The bullet is lodged near his spine. Rachel overhears a discussion between Finn's neurologist and the NYPD detective investigating Finn's shooting, indicating there may be a strange link between Finn and his shooter. Meanwhile, an army doctor from Fort Benning, who Rachel immediately distrusts, arrives insisting that Finn return with him to Georgia. Tests are ordered to see if Finn's condition is stable enough for the trip. The following chapter occurs roughly 60 hours after Finn was shot._

_Phew! That's a lot going on. Questions? Please feel free to ask, and I mean that!_

* * *

**Chapter 23- I Can't Follow**

The orderlies pushed Finn on his gurney back into his hospital room at NY Presbyterian Hospital about 30 minutes after I had overheard a perplexing conversation between Detective Liskey and Dr. Fielding. I was still stewing in my conundrum of what to do and who to trust about the information I'd heard. Marcus Jameson, Finn's shooter and an AWOL soldier from Fort Benning, had an exotic drug in his system at the time he shot Finn. Detective Liskey seemed to think it worthwhile to have Dr. Fielding check Finn for the same drug that had been found in Jameson. What was I to do with that information? Should I tell Finn? Would it just upset him when he was already dealing with so much? He would probably want to know. _Of course, he'd want to know_, but I dreaded telling him. Finn was already dealing with his partial blindness, a complication of chest surgery. There was also the issue of Major Burnside's insistence that Finn be moved to the military hospital at Fort Benning, Georgia, which now seemed even more suspect considering there was some sort of link between Finn and his shooter involving drugs and Fort Benning. The more I thought about it, the more convinced I became that they would have to take Finn back to Georgia with_ me_ kicking a screaming!

I stood with all this passing through my mind, as the orderlies and nurse settled Finn, and reconnected him to his EKG machine. At first, he seemed unaware that I was in the room, but then he looked in my general direction, "Rach? You there?"

"Finn," I stepped forward, close to his bed, and I leaned in to kiss his cheek, "Any word on the scans yet? Your mom and the others are here, but they've gone to get coffee. Curt and Santana came for a visit. They'll be back soon, I expect."

Finn shook his head in a negative answer to my question and then said, "I'm glad we have a minute alone, Rachel. I need to talk to you about something. It's hard to explain, and you're probably going to be _really_ mad at me..." he hesitated, "I haven't heard what the tests show, but I have to go back, Rach." He reached out his hand, and I took it in mine. "There's an Army doctor here from Ft. Benning to take me back. I may not be able to return to active duty anytime..." he gritted his teeth slightly at this, "... soon, but I made promise to myself...and the Army. I can't abandon that promise."

"But Finn, what if the scan shows the bullet is in a place that makes it unsafe for you to be travel so far. Let's wait and see what Dr. Fielding says. You wouldn't endanger your health, would you? You can always go later when you've had a chance to heal more."

"Rachel, I have to go back sometime soon. I don't know what will happen with my sight, but I made a commitment, and I have to honor that," Finn reiterated his position.

I struggled with my frustration and no small amount of fear, "I understand that, but there are things that you don't know..."

Kurt, and Santana walked in, effectively cutting off my revelation about the possible Fort Benning and Marcus Jameson drug connection.

"Well, brother mine, I must say you look better than you did yesterday, when I stopped by," Kurt said cheerfully.

"Yeah, today I don't feel like I should go all Rick Grimes and carve up your scary walker ass like in _The Walking Dead_," Santana added in her dark humor.

"So nice to see that you care, Santana. Always good to know you'd do me the favor of stabbing me in a zombie apocalypse," Finn replied with irony. "Are mom and Burt with you?" Finn cocked his head listening, as he tended to do now with his diminished eye-sight.

"They said something about the number of visitors per patient rule, and they'd let Santana and me have our visit first," Kurt glanced at me and shook his head subtly in the negative. Something more was keeping Carole and Burt away.

Just then an older woman in scrubs strode in with a smile carrying a tray of vials, "Well, you have some guests, I see, Mr. Hudson. I need to draw some blood for further testing. It will just take a minute, if you all would like to wait outside."

* * *

As the three of us trailed out, my mind returned to the conversation between Detective Liskey and Dr. Fielding. This blood work was almost certainly to check for the same drug they found in Marcus Jameson. The temptation to tell Kurt and Santana what I'd overheard was so strong that I clamped my lips together, but I felt it would be betraying Finn to share such information with them first. Kurt startled me out of my musings.

"I think Carole and Dad are talking to Dr. Fielding about Finn. This Georgia craziness is just beyond anything. I can't believe Finn would agree to it," Kurt shook his head in confusion.

"He said he feels it's his duty to go back, like its his obligation to the Army- until they tell him otherwise, anyway," I explained, "I would admire his determination and commitment if I weren't so worried about him endangering himself."

"Obviously, those brainwashing training videos they showed him in basic worked," Santana said drily, "That or lack of oxygen to his brain is seriously affecting his thinking."

Kurt and I looked at each other uncomfortably. For me Santana's joking hit a nerve. I felt dark, twisting fear snaking through me. Unfortunately, my roommate was very perceptive, "Berry, who walked on your grave? Kidding. Geez. Chill, chica."

I tried a smile, but it fell flat. What kind of actress was I anyway?

Santana took a step back to really study me, "Okay, what the hell is your problem? Did Finn like tell you he's got a wife and kid in Georgia or something?"

I cracked. I just couldn't hold it in any longer, and if I couldn't trust Santana and Kurt, who could I trust? I told them as concisely as I could about my accidental eavesdropping with the NYPD detective and Dr. Fielding regarding the possible Jameson-Finn drug link.

"Well, before we run around like a bunch of Chicken Littles moaning about the sky falling, let's just ask Finn if he took this drug, which I find unlikely by the way, and see what he says," Kurt offered, "There is probably a simple explanation."

* * *

After returning to Finn's room and an uncomfortable 5 minutes of stilted attempts at conversation with the three of us standing awkwardly around Finn's bedside, I decided it was time to tell Finn about what I had overheard, "Finn, I need to talk to you about something. It's not easy to explain..."

Finn looked concerned, "What? Did the tests come back? Are they bad?"

"No, I don't know any more than you do. I need to ask you... when you were at Fort Benning..." I paused, trying to find the right words.

Standing next to me, Santana narrowed her eyes to a suspicious squint looking intently at Finn, "Are you doing drugs, Finnster?" I elbowed her in the ribs, but it was too late.

"Why would you ask me that?" Finn shot back angrily, then he looked a little puzzled, "Of course, who knows what they've been giving me since I've been in here..."

Fortunately, Finn couldn't see Santana rolling her eyes, "No, Junkie Jarhead, I'm talking about drugs of the illegal or unprescribed variety you might have done before, during or after boot camp."

"I was tested for that in BCT, so there's no way I could do them, even if I wanted to," Finn replied, "Not without getting booted out of the Army for popping hot on a drug test. That happened to a guy in my platoon. Not pretty. Besides, that's the last thing I would do given what happened to my dad! I can't believe you would think that, any of you."

What Finn said was reassuring, but the detective said the drug they found in Jameson's system was so exotic that they wouldn't have found it, unless they were specifically looking for it. Dr. Fielding was now checking Finn for that drug. I wasn't sure what to think. Finn was completely sincere in his assertion that he'd never taken drugs, and he seemed so shocked by the question, that surely he hadn't. Had he? I felt a moment of guilt. This was a man I knew and trusted. He had never done drugs that I knew of, so why would I doubt him now?

I clasped Finn's hand, "Finn, I accidentally overheard Detective Liskey talking to Dr. Fielding about an unusual drug they found in your shooter's blood. They seemed to be interested in testing you for that same drug. Jameson has been at Fort Benning, and they were wondering about a connection between you and him. There are several strange coincidences, including Jameson being reported AWOL several months ago, and the 'man in the box phrase' you both mentioned."

"Rach, I'd never seen the man before the day on the bus when he shot me, like I said," Finn tightened his grip on my hand, "And I certainly haven't willingly taken any drugs. You know me better than that, I hope."

Well, that was enough for me. I felt awful for upsetting Finn further and worse for having even momentary doubts.

I squeezed his hand in return, "Of course, I know you, Finn. I'm sorry you have this on top of everything else. Try not to worry. The drug tests will show what we know to be the truth."

Finn frowned, "Of course, but that is strange. Of all the people to shoot me- an AWOL soldier from Fort Benning. I wonder if Major Burnside knew him."

"That's the other thing, Finn," I said slowly, thinking I might as well tell him all my concerns, "I can't explain it, really, but Major Burnside makes me extremely uncomfortable. I can't really say specifically what it is, but I just feel like there's more to him than just Army bravado or whatever. Did you meet him at Fort Benning?"

"Yes, he seemed okay at Benning, so I don't get what you're saying exactly, Rach," Finn said, his brows contracting in thought. "I was one of the platoon leaders in my company, which basically meant I got yelled at anytime anyone in my platoon screwed up. The other PL's and I met with Major Burnside individually twice a week, mainly to discuss the other recruits in our platoon and undergo some extra psych and physical training, stuff like that. Major Burnside told us they were looking at modifying the structure of BCT, and this would help them do that. The best part of the training was we actually got something besides water to drink twice a week. Orange Gatorade never tasted so good. I must have chugged dozens of bottles of the stuff."

"What do you mean? What's so special about Gatorade?" Kurt asked.

"In BCT they are kind of strict about what you eat and drink. Our drill instructors almost never allowed sweets and that included drinks like sodas and sports drinks," Finn explained, "But during training sessions with Major Burnside, he'd let us have bottles of the Army's version of Gatorade. It's amazing all those years during football practice that I took the coolers of Gatorade for granted."

"So Rach, I guess that explains why Finn showed up here so ripped after basic," Santana teased with a wink at me, "He was no longer on the Code Red-Twinkie diet like in high school."

"Yeah, kind of over my Twinkie addiction, but thanks for noticing," Finn replied, "Hey, didn't Brittany's cat like Twinkies? I think she told me that once when she saw me eating one."

"Only when he got the munchies when he was still using," Santana responded with a mostly straight face. No one even tried to respond to that statement.

At the mention of Santana's girlfriend, still at McKinley, our discussion drifted to our friends in Ohio. Kurt and Santana got in an intense argument about whether Brittany or Blaine should cover the Spice Girls for the latest Glee Club assignment. After suggesting they could perhaps try it as a duet, I really tried to stay out of that one. Strange, something I would have obsessed over last year seemed so...unimportant now. That sounded bad, even in my head, but I had finally realized that life didn't revolve around who got the solo _every_ time. How very un-Rachel Berry of me.

Last year's Rachel Berry hadn't spent months in NYADA's highly competitive atmosphere, which was an ample enough period of time to realize that though one's talents may be brilliant and amazing, not every solo or lead part should or would go to her. Was I jaded? Maybe just a little wiser, I thought, my gaze falling on the man I loved more than anyone in the world, currently sitting in a hospital bed with tubes and wires snaking from various parts of his body. I had almost lost everything that really mattered in the split second it took for a bullet to enter Finn's chest, barely missing vital organs and lodging near his spine. _How tenuous life was._ Pushing such morose, and rather frightening thoughts aside, I stiffened my resolve. I would _not_ let them take Finn away to Georgia, where I couldn't watch over and protect him as he recovered. Not now, not when he was still so fragile. He needed me.

"Babe," Finn's voice drew me from my musings, "You're kind of hurting my hand. Everything okay?"

I looked down at my fingers grasping Finn's hand; I had unintentionally tightened my grip until my knuckles were white, "Oh, I'm so sorry, Finn."

"It's okay. I been feeling like I want to hold on tight a little myself today," Finn raised my hand to his lips for a kiss while his amber eyes regarded me hazily.

He leaned into me, squinting, "You're wearing the star necklace I gave you, right?"

"Yes!" shocked and excited, I moved closer, "You can see it? Your vision is better?"

"I can see it glinting, so I sort of guessed, but the shape does look like a star. I think my vision is getting a little better, yeah," he smiled one of his lopsided smiles and reached out, his fingers brushing over my throat and down to touch the necklace.

Kurt and Santana were now vehemently bickering about the merits of their respective lovers' voices with respect to who's was superior, and completely ignoring Finn and me. I tempered my voice, so only Finn could hear, enjoying the private moment, "That's wonderful, Finn. I'm so glad. We should probably tell Dr. Fielding. I think he'll be by again soon with the new test results."

"About that," Finn took a deep breath in, and let it out, "No matter what the tests say, Rach, you need to let me go. Please don't fight me on this."

"You mean don't stand in your way as you risk your health, and possibly your _life_ returning to Georgia before you're condition is more stable," I muttered angrily, trying not to raise my voice.

"You're being a bit dramatic, even for you, don't you think?" Finn narrowed his eyes a little in irritation.

"No!" I exclaimed a little louder than I'd intended, "I think leaving against your doctor's advice is crazy! It doesn't make sense to rush off to Georgia when they can give you so much better care here. I won't just stand by and watch you stupidly risk your life out of some sense of duty."

I winced at my poor choice of words even before Finn shot back heatedly, "I don't recall asking you. Last I checked, it was _my_ decision, not yours. Perhaps, I'm not quite as smart as you _think_ you are, but I know where I need to be, and it's not..." He stopped speaking, but we both knew what he was about to say.

I drew back, feeling like he'd almost physically slapped me with those words, they hurt so much. I finished his sentence for him in a small, quavery voice, "And I guess it's not here with me. Silly me, as your fiance, I thought my opinion might matter to you just a little bit."

"Rachel..." Finn shifted restlessly in his bed, "I don't expect you to understand, but..."

"You're right, I don't," I crossed my arms over my chest protectively, feeling a little sick. Looking up, I realized, Santana and Kurt were standing uncomfortably a few feet away, having witnessed our argument.

Santana looked like she was about to speak, probably to agree with me, but Kurt shook his head at her. For once the out-spoken Latina held her tongue. I felt a little betrayed by them both, actually.

At that moment, Dr. Fielding walked in the hospital room along with Major Burnside, Carole and Burt, "Well, Finn," he glanced around Finn's crowded room, "We have most of your tests back. I'd like to discuss them with you, if I may."

"What did they say?" Finn asked sullenly, obviously still disturbed by our conversation.

"As I suspected," Dr. Fielding responded, "You are not in immediate danger from the current position of the bullet, now approximately 1 to 2 millimeters from your T5 vertebra, which is roughly between your shoulder blades here," the doctor proceeded to show Finn where he meant, "But it's still so soon after your injury, that I'm not at all comfortable with a long distance transport. I would strongly encourage further observation here before we attempt your removal to Fort Benning."

I held my breath. Surely, Finn would listen to Dr. Fielding, if he wouldn't listen to me.

"That being said," Dr. Fielding glanced sharply in the Army officer's direction, "Major Burnside disagrees with my assessment. As your current doctor, I feel I must urge you to consider waiting at least a few days before attempting the trip to Benning. Perhaps in that time, we can attempt a removal of the bullet, which is conventionally the next step in cases such as yours."

"Could the bullet be removed at Fort Benning, Major Burnside?" Finn appeared to be considering what his doctor had said. Finally! He was seeing reason.

"If that course of treatment were deemed appropriate, and we lacked the expertise, we would transport you to the nearest military facility that could," Major Burnside responded with assurance, while stressing the word military.

I don't think I had ever hated anyone so much in my life. He reminded me of a venoumous snake coiled to strike, whispering all kinds of promises that seemed too good to be true.

"So, Finn would not only be transported the thousand miles to Fort Benning, but then on to another facility after that?" I asked incredulously, "All when he could be treated here within a few days?"

"We are experts at transporting and treating our injured, Ms Berry," the major replied tersely, "These are functions we perform often, so we've become very proficient in our methods of doing so."

"Well, _our_ injured seems to already _be_ in a facility that is more than proficient in treating him with the benefit of not being a thousand or more miles away," I said through a tight glare at the man-snake standing across Finn's bed from me.

Finn had been sitting quietly in his bed during this exchange, his expression stoney when he finally spoke, "When could transport be arranged, Major?"

"I'd say sometime tomorrow late in the day, perhaps, or early the next," Burnside answered readily.

"Finn! I'm begging you. Don't do this," I reached over and took the hand I had dropped earlier and clutched it to my heart.

Finn stared up at me. I knew now he could see me, at least a little, so I looked imploringly into his eyes. Sadly, he shook his head at me, and I knew I had lost him. He would go. Go where I could not follow.

* * *

In desperation, I decided to speak with Dr. Fielding myself. There had to be a way to prevent Finn from leaving against medical advice. I gestured to the kind doctor to follow me into the hallway outside Finn's room. Finn was busy discussing the details of his transport with Major Burnside, while Carole and Burt tried their best to throw up resistance to the scheme.

As the youngish doctor faced me, I was struck again at the sharp contrast between Dr. Fielding and Major Burnside. Dr. Fielding genuinely seemed to care about his patients as apparent by all the time he spent on Finn's case. Major Burnside, also a medical doctor of some kind, seemed concerned only getting Finn back under the Army's control.

"Dr. Fielding, I wanted to start by thanking you for your wonderful care of Finn. I don't think he could have a better doctor treating him, which brings me to one of my questions. Are there ways to prevent a patient's release when they are leaving against doctor's advice?" I looked anxiously at Dr. Fielding, already suspecting the answer he would give me.

He shook his head sadly, "If Finn decides to leave AMA, there is little the hospital or I can do to stop him. I'm thinking the best I can do, is try to push forward the treatments I had planned, so they occur before Burnside can arrange transportation. Let's hope the Army's notorious reputation for bureaucracy will work for us. It's also possible that one of the military hospitals in this area could take Finn, so therefore he would then be under the auspices of the Army, yet not have to suffer such a long journey with a questionable bullet wound. He would have to agree to that, of course."

"Thank you doctor, you've given me another option anyway. I'll do my best to talk him into receiving whatever treatments you can give him before and if he leaves for Georgia. Another thing..." I really didn't want to admit my eavesdropping, but I had to know more about what the doctor and Detective Liskey had been discussing when I overheard them. "I happened to hear part of your conversation with the detective earlier. I'm sorry, I was going to ask you about Finn's condition, I honestly didn't mean to eavesdrop. Anyway, I heard that Finn's shooter, Jameson, had an unusual drug in his system, and that you're going to test Finn for this drug because the detective thinks there might be some sort of connection between Finn and Jameson. I know Finn just had blood drawn, and I suspect it's for that. Can you tell me what the drug is and when we will find out if it is in his blood?"

Dr. Fielding shifted uncomfortably and looked away from me for a few seconds before replying, "I really can't discuss an ongoing police investigation with you, Ms Berry, I'm sorry."

"It's Rachel. Please, doctor, Finn knows about this and is extremely upset. In hindsight, I shouldn't have told him, but he did insist that he has never taken any drugs, in addition to being tested for them at Fort Benning. If you knew him doctor, you'd understand how unlikely it really is for him to take anything like this. His dad died from a drug over-dose when he was a baby."

"Though, I've known Finn a much shorter time than you, Rachel," the doctor looked at me earnestly, "I too find it highly unlikely that he would take such a drug, if he could even get it. I can tell you this: There is a drug, actually a strictly controlled class of experimental drugs, that the military started to develop in the 1950's and 60's. I had to do some research on them myself, they are so uncommon. They act on the central nervous system with fascinating results causing aggression, anxiety, suggestibility, and even hallucinations. By the way, this is me sharing general information with you about a drug that you could find on the internet yourself," he looked at me meaningfully, and I nodded, appreciating his willingness to share even this information.

"I'm not saying that this is what was in Jameson's blood, or what we_ might_ be testing Finn's blood for, but this drug had the code name BZ. This drug could basically incapacitate a person with even the possibility of causing death. The military ceased experimentation with BZ decades ago, supposedly, but there are all sorts of crazy covert shadow operation theories out there about it, even today." Dr. Fielding's kind eyes studied me for a long moment, "I'm afraid, I've already said too much, but I see how much you love Finn. If you have any other questions, I encourage you to direct them to Detective Liskey. I really can't tell you anything else."

My mind was reeling, there was so much to take in. What Dr. Fielding was describing sounded like something out of a movie. That the US military had experimented with such a drug was seriously disconcerting. What was even more distressing was the fact that Finn was in that same military and now had a link to Jameson, a man who had been under the influence of this drug or one closely related to it. I looked through the window of Finn's hospital room and watched him in conversation with Major Burnside.

"One more question, if you wouldn't mind, it's not about the detective's investigation, "I looked back at Dr. Fielding, and he nodded for me to continue, "You said you disagreed with the major moving Finn to Fort Benning. What is your opinion of Major Burnside?"

A ghost of unease passed over the doctor's face, "His credentials with the Army are all in order and impeccable, but I personally question his motives for pushing so hard for such quick action in getting Finn back to Fort Benning," Dr. Fielding sighed and rubbed the back of his neck, "But then, he could just be looking out for his organization's best interests."

"By disregarding what's in Finn's best interests or even Finn's safety…. ," I murmured to myself.

I looked away from Dr. Fielding and through the plate glass window to where Major Burnside was standing next to Finn's bedside smiling his oily smile down at Finn. A moment later, the major glanced up and our eyes met. I mentally recoiled at my half formed thought. It was just too awful to think.

* * *

_A/N: Well, hopefully, I haven't totally confused you. Sorry this chapter was rather Finchel-lite. I needed to explain some things. I promise there is more Finchel to come. Please review and ask questions if something is unclear!_


	24. I Know Something You Don't

_VB is rather disheartened with how Season 4 is shaping up regarding Finchel, thus motivation to finish this particular fiction has been low, but good conscience wouldn't let this go incomplete, so soldiering onward. **My ****immense ****gratitude ****to ****those ****of ****you ****still ****reading. ****This ****really ****is ****for ****you!**_

_**Plot **__**Summary **__**up **__**to **__**Chapter **__**23: **__Finn__ is __hospitalized__ and partially blind __after __being __shot __by __an __AWOL __soldier __named __Jameson, __to __whom __Finn __possesses __mysterious __links. __A __shifty __Army __major __from __Fort __Benning __is __insisting __that __Finn __return __with __him __to__ Georgia__, __as __soon __as __possible. __Rachel __and __others __strongly__ opposing the move__. __Rachel__ and Finn quarrel over his insistence that he leave NYC for Georgia._

* * *

**Chapter 24- I Know Something You Don't**

Since almost before I was aware that I loved Finn Hudson, I also realized that with that love came the capacity for him to frustrate and anger me so much that I wanted to shake him until his eyes rattled in that thick skull of his. He had so many wonderful qualities, his determination to do the right thing normally what I would count among them, but this also leant itself to a stubbornness immovable even in the face of all my arguments for his safety. He still insisted on returning to Fort Benning with Major Burnside against the advice of his doctor here at NY Presbyterian and the urgings of his mom and all his friends and even me, his fiance. It hurt most that he was leaving to travel a thousand miles away from me, but the fact that he was doing it despite my almost pleading for him to stay was almost as painful.

The large crowd of visitors that had been in Finn's small hospital room had dispersed to various locations. I had walked Santana and Kurt to the exit of the hospital closest to the subway. They had agreed to leave me only with my promise that I take a cab home, as it was getting late, and they worried for me taking the train by myself. I just felt the need for a little alone time with Finn. I missed our time together just us two, but I also hoped to give one more try to my efforts to keep him safe here in New York City. After my conversation with Dr. Fielding where he expressed his doubts about Major Burnside's motives in returning Finn to Fort Benning post haste, I was more determined than ever to keep Finn from leaving.

Dim, hushed quiet met me when I entered Finn's room a few minutes later, though someone had been in to check his EKG because the volume was turned so there was the steady, slow beep of his heart rhythm, like the tempo he might tap out on a drum. His eyes were shut as though he were sleeping, his chest rising and falling with each slow breath. A shadow fell over part of his face almost like shade, an area darker than the dimness surrounding him. I was struck by how altered he looked; how much older- the boyishness I remembered from our first days together almost gone. He had lost weight in the last few days, that combined with the areas of stark light and dark shadows over his face further augmented his sculpted jaw and high cheek bones. Though I'd always known it, I realized how truly handsome he was, like a sleeping prince in a fairy tale. I had to smile a little at my whimsical thought. He'd probably not like that idea at all. I felt the strong pull toward him I always felt. The urge to touch him undeniable, to assure myself he was there, that he was real and not an illusion. He had admonished me to wake him up if he fell asleep before I got back, not wanting to miss a moment of our last night together before he left for Georgia.

I lightly traced my fingertips over his finely arching sable brows, so expressive when he was awake. I could often tell a lot about Finn Hudson's world just by watching those brows, which would draw up like angry caterpillars when he was concentrating or upset or rise on his forehead when he laughed at something funny. My fingers moved down over his temples to glide past his cheekbones to the stubble at his jaw. I should give him a shave again, though he would probably resist this time, saying he could do it himself now. Surprised, he hadn't awakened or even stirred yet, except for the slight flutter of his eyelids, I continued to savor my solitary exploration of his face, trailing the fingertips of both hands to his mouth, where I could feel the soft puffs of air after he exhaled with each breath.

Slowly, his eyes opened. He didn't seem startled that I was standing next to him with the ends of my fingers resting on his lips. He pursed is lips in a kiss for them, as he looked at me sleepily. When he spoke, I could feel his lips moving against my fingers, while his voice sounded groggy as though he weren't fully awake yet,"I was dreaming. Strange dreams since I've been in the hospital. In fact I thought I was still dreaming just now when I woke up with you here, touching me. The dreams are the same. I'm in a small..." he paused to swallow and find a word, "...dark room. Scared, but can't scream. Almost like I don't have my voice. I want to call out- I think of calling your name over and over in my mind. Rachel, Rachel, Rachel. Sometimes, you are there, or at least I dream you are. I feel you with me, touching me, loving me, like... the first time and times after...that," Finn moved restlessly then in his bed, shifting his long frame, "It's stuffy and my skin is hot, and you touch me with your hands, just barely a brush. Where you touch, I feel coolness, relief. Then I wake up, if I ever was asleep, and I'm in the dark room again, alone. You're gone, or maybe you were never there at all. Alone. Always alone. In a box, trapped. No one will let me out. Trapped."

As I watched Finn recount his strange, disturbing dream, almost like he was in a trance, his face contorted and his eyes narrowed as if he were recoiling with fear until, suddenly his features relaxed and went almost slack, like he were asleep again, his eyes merely slits. I could see the tawny irises moving in the tiny gap between his lids. I felt a shudder course through me as I recalled my conversation with Dr. Fielding. Were Finn's dreams just that, nightmares brought on by the stresses of his injuries and the shooting itself, or could they be something else more sinister (word?) entirely. That he had said the phrase '...in a box, trapped.' to describe part of the dream certainly was a chilling coincidence to the phrase not far from my thoughts. 'The Man in the box' had been said by Finn's shooter and Finn, and now Finn had said part of the phrase again. What could it mean?

I had long suspected that Finn's shooting had not just been a random act of violence on a city bus, but how did Jameson know Finn would be on that bus on that morning? Finn said himself that Jameson had looked at Finn specifically with almost recognition when he boarded the bus. Who had known Finn would be on the M60 bus? Me, Santana, Kurt, and anyone to whom we might have mentioned Finn's return trip to Benning. I immediately discounted my two friends as suspects to my already fantastical conspiracy plot, and as far as I knew neither of them were likely to mention it to anyone that might be connected to Finn's shooting or Fort Benning. I would ask them when I got the chance. What if Jameson somehow found out, somehow knew Finn would be on the M60 bus to LaGuardia that morning? The Army had known where Finn would be and when he would return to Fort Benning, my address and the date of Finn's return were on his leave papers. The leave papers that would have saved him if the MP's had ever shown up again claiming he was AWOL. Had that just been two days ago? No one had seen the army men since, almost like Burnside had replaced them. I wondered if he knew about the supposed AWOL charges. Burnside spoke as though Finn was still in good standing with the army, though he was insisting Finn return to Fort Benning before he had even begun to heal or even complete his treatments in NY. There were so many aspects of this that just didn't add up, but one thing I somehow felt to be true with everything in me, Burnside was somehow involved in it. I just _knew_ it somehow.

Finn groaned softly, interrupting my thoughts, and I reached out my hand and took his. His eyes opened for the second time in a half an hour, though this time he seemed to see me, really see me, his gaze seemed more focused than it had been a few minutes before, in fact more focused than it had been in days, "Hey," his voice was raspy, "Still here. I thought you left. Is everyone else gone?" He looked around the room. I could tell his vision hadn't returned completely, but it had definitely improved as he appeared to be trying to focus on my face.

"Yes, they've all gone home for the night. I just wanted some time with you all to myself," I tried for a neutral tone, since the last time he had been fully awake we had gotten in a rather heated discussion about his proposed trip back to Fort Benning. "Do you remember being awake a little while ago and telling me about your strange dreams?"

"I think so. It's kind of hazy, like mixed in with dreaming. I've been having a lot of dreams lately, but I can't remember much about them really. I wake up feeling anxious and sweaty sometimes, but I can't remember why," he puzzled, "In fact, I must be really gross by now. I've only had the one sponge bath that you gave me the other day. Glad I don't have much hair to worry with though..." he rubbed his fingers over his head, "...I can tell it's growing out."

I let out a little laugh, "Yeah, not so much like a plucked chicken now, so Kurt says anyway, and is that a hint for another bath?"

"I wouldn't want to put you out. I'm sure you're tired, it's late," Finn squeezed my hand before I moved to the sink in his room.

Already on my way to retrieve the basin and fill it with warm water I replied, "Nonsense, it would be my pleasure. You could do with a shave, too."

"You don't like the rugged look?" Finn said with a pout, scratching his knuckles over his stubble, "Just a quick wash, since it's so late, and I'll help this time, okay?"

"You do have an unkempt Pierce Brosnan/James Bond thing going, which is kind of sexy," I responded with a grin.

"Well, get over here, Ms Berry," Finn joked, "Bond always gets his girl."

I knew we were deliberately ignoring all the weighty issues that seemed to be swirling around us in a maelstrom of madness, but it felt so good to just be with Finn, flirting, teasing, and groping. _He_ was groping, that is.

"Why, Mr. Hudson, remember where you are" I drawled from my place standing close at his bedside, while his hand snaked out to slide around my hip, pulling me even closer to him as he gently trailed his hand to cup my behind, "Finn, seriously, anyone walking by could see. Do you want to scandalize Nurse McCormick?"

"She'd probably just say something like, 'good to see you're feeling better, Mr. Hudson'," he said with his best imitation of the matronly nurse's no-nonsense tones, "I have a feeling she's seen a lot. It would take more than my hand on your butt to shock, Nurse McCormick, I think."

I wrung out the wash cloth I had brought over in the basin of soapy water, "Okay, you bad boy, close your eyes. I don't want to get soap in them."

Finn obediently shut his eyes, and I lightly scrubbed at his face and neck with the cloth in my hand before brushing it over his short hair with more force to get to his scalp. Finn moaned a little, "Mmm... that feels so good, Rach. You could do that all night."

I gently pressed on his back to indicate he should lean forward over the small container of water, so I could use the small water pitcher I'd brought with the basin to rinse him. I think we _both_ enjoyed his sponge baths. There was something so intimate about bathing another person. I unsnapped the snaps that ran along the shoulders of his hospital gown and pulled the loose fabric from his broad muscular back. I brushed the rewetted cloth over his shoulders, chest and arms, carefully avoiding the bandages covering the incision running down his chest.

"Does it hurt much anymore?" I asked in what I hoped was a neutral tone.

"Only if I twist or move in certain ways. The surgeon says I'm _lucky_," Finn's ironic tone belied him when he smiled absently and went on to explain, "Because I'm young and in good shape, I'll heal faster. Still can't help thinking I'd've been a hell of a lot luckier not to be shot and then partially blinded in the first place."

I pushed the bed covers to one-side and started washing his legs and feet, and I pondered what he said while I washed his large feet, and up his muscular calves. His sudden chuckle, caused me to stop my ministrations, "Ticklish?"

"No, it feels great. I love your hands on me," Finn waved his hand dismissively, meanwhile not seeming to notice my eyes get big at his casual admission, "It's silly really. It just occurred to me how totally embarrassing you doing this would have been for me a year ago. Now it just seems so natural that you do this- not to mention hot. The naughty nurse thing never gets old with you." He waggled his eyebrows suggestively.

My washcloth covered hand continued its journey up his bare thigh, and Finn hissed in a breath as I replied, "Really? Your surgeon is a very smart man, I think."

"H-how's that, Rach?" Finn said a little distractedly at the same time I noticed the steady beat from his heart monitor wasn't quite so steady and certainly more rapid. Well, this probably wasn't good for someone who just had surgery little more than 2 days ago, not to mention someone could walk in any second.

"Errr...Finn, he's right in that your young and healthy and healing, which is exactly why I think you should help with your bath this time," I moved to hand him the cloth and placed the bin of soapy water within his reach on the bed.

Finn blushed profusely, "Rach, you don't know how much I wish we were in you apartment right now. I hate not being able to touch you like I want to. Especially now, when I'm leaving soon."

The heavily charged atmosphere of the room dispersed almost immediately at Finn's reference to his upcoming departure. I shuddered involuntarily and wrapped my arms around myself as all my earlier fears came coursing back in a rush of icy anxiety and frustration.

"Uh-oh," Finn expelled a breath as he put the washcloth back in the bin of soapy water, having quickly and modestly completed his bath, "Even though I still can't see perfectly clearly, I know that was the wrong thing to say. I know without even looking, you're drawing away and preparing to fight me again."

"You can feel it, I imagine," I moved the container of water and gently sat next to Finn on his bed, "Finn, please, I think... I know Burnside can't be trusted, and you're so vulnerable right now. Stay at least a few more days and heal. You need to have as much of your strength back as you possibly can before you go anywhere with that man. Dr. Fielding all but told me that the drug they found in Jameson's blood, the drug they're checking your blood for, is similar to a dangerous drug that the military experimented with years ago. It could kill you, Finn, and somehow I just know Burnside is involved, and what if he's using this drug on you?"

Finn didn't appear nearly as upset or surprised at this information, as I would have anticipated. In fact, he looked more determined than ever, "Rachel, even if that is the case, you have to trust me. I know what I'm doing. I have to go back with Burnside. I couldn't live with myself if I didn't. You _must_ trust me on this."

Expelling a frustrated sigh, I realized I was making little progress in my arguments, "Finn, can you at least promise me one thing? Please."

Finn reached out his hand and felt for mine, "If it's possible, I will."

"Promise me you'll do anything you can to delay your return for as long as you can tomorrow. I need time. I'm going to try to talk to the NYPD detective on your case and see if they've made any headway on the possible links between Benning and your shooter and yourself," I explained.

"I don't know what I can do to delay, but I promise to try," Finn paused, in deep thought, as though he were choosing his next words carefully, "Rachel, about Detective Liskey..."

When Finn paused, I could tell he was debating with himself about what to say, I prodded him by saying, "What about Det. Liskey, Finn? Is there something I don't know about him? I've had the suspicion that he knows more than he's telling us about you and Jameson and your shooting."

As if naming the man could conjure him from thin air, he suddenly appeared in the doorway of Finn's room, and I started. Almost midnight, and the very man Finn and I were discussing talking about showed up!

"You were right, Mr. Hudson," the NYPD detective's keen eyes assessed me from under his sandy brows, "She's a sharp one. Forgive me Ms Berry, for _eavesdropping_," he said the last word with irony, making it apparent that Dr. Fielding had told him that I overheard their earlier conversation, concerning testing Finn's blood for the compound that had been found in Jameson's.

"I told you, sir, I wouldn't be able to keep this from her," Finn responded, glancing at the detective before turning his gaze to me, "Rachel, this is Special Agent Alex Simons with the FBI, who has been posing as a police detective as part of his cover. He's part of an investigation into a secret drug operation involving testing on recruits at Fort Benning. He came and spoke with me this morning before you and Santana and Kurt got here."

The FBI man spoke softly, "There have been developments since we last spoke, Mr. Hudson. A couple of hours ago an attempt was made on Jameson's life, which was already tenuous at best. We suspect Burnside is getting desperate. This moves up our timetable significantly. You may have to be ready to move tonight."

"So you are _not_ with the NYPD then?" I interrupted, looking at Special Agent Simons, formerly Detective Liskey, as he shook his head, "Somehow I'm not surprised. Finn, you said he came to see you this morning before we confronted you about the drugs. So all the indignation about you using and that Burnside was involved was an act? You're a better actor than even_ I_ thought you were. And what is this about you moving tonight?" I felt so many emotions, it was difficult to settle on one. Certainly I felt betrayed that Finn had denied any knowledge in the matter earlier with Santana, Kurt, and me. It also went a long way in explaining Finn's seemingly irrational insistence on returning to Fort Benning with Burnside, which now appeared to be part of some plan to trap Burnside, but there was still so much that I didn't understand. Overwhelmingly, I felt sick panic at the thought of Finn willingly putting himself in Burnside's clutches in hopes of catching the villain.

Finn's countenance changed to a hard mask, and he unwittingly squeezed my hand with such force it hurt a little as he said, "I'm so sorry, Rach. Agent Simons swore me to secrecy, and there was too much at stake to risk tipping Burnside off. I didn't want to keep this from you- but it has taken Special Agent Simons years to get this close to catching Burnside and the other men involved in this scheme. They think there's even someone at the Pentagon involved. You'll understand once you hear it all. You should know this is related to my dad. That son-of-a-bitch, Burnside, good as killed my father, and now he's trying for me."

* * *

_So hope it was worth the wait! Part of the mystery has been revealed. More to come. Reviews are therapy for my Season 4 Finchel despondency!_


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